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The Kutchie's Key Lime Pie Mystery Part 1: Overview, Theories and Leads

2020.09.11 00:04 CaptKutchiesTA The Kutchie's Key Lime Pie Mystery Part 1: Overview, Theories and Leads

The mystery of Captain Kutchie and his key lime pie has haunted the internet for over a decade now.It’s been extensively written on elsewhere, so I won’t spend long on the details I assume many already know, so check this link for some more in-depth info (https://www.reddit.com/UnresolvedMysteries/comments/9wo93c/other_an_indepth_look_at_kutchies_key_lime_pies/ )
The basis of the mystery though, is that since 2010, an individual or group has been writing cryptic, bizarrely written rants on various websites about a restaurant called Captain Kutchie’s Key West Cafe, usually focusing on either the key lime pies served at this restaurant, or the owner, Oswald “Kutchie” Paleaz. For a long time, it was unclear that Kutchie’s actually existed, but it was eventually discovered that the restaurant did exist, and was open from the 1970s until 2009, at the address 2227-2201 Asheville Hwy, Hendersonville, NC 2879. The messages about Kutchie’s have turned up in various places throughout the internet, but they usually share a common format. Here is one sample:
“I Tried The Captain Kutchie’s Key Lime Pies And Those PieGasams Healed All My Symptoms Within The First 4-Weeks! I highly Recommend Captain Kutchie’s Key Lime Pies For Anything That Ails You!….(“They’re Great”!!!.).. .. …Kobe Bryant May Be Retiring From Basket Ball But Captain Kutchie’s Is Still His Pie Of Choice!… …Can’t Get Enough Of That Key Lime Pie, Key Lime Pie, Key Lime Pie. Can’t Get Enough Of That Key Lime Pie Or I’ll Just Cry Until I Die, I Don’t Know Why I Just Love My Key Lime Pies!…. .\ .”
So, this is a typical example of what the posts look like, showing many of the common hallmarks: non-syntactic sentences, Capitalization Of Every Word, references to celebrities or politicians liking the pies and an odd radio-announcer like tone are some hallmarks of the writing style, though it can vary. It isn’t hard to see why, after finding these messages strewn across the internet like litter by the side of a freeway, people have gotten sucked into the investigation, and become suspicious of deeper meanings.
This 2-part longpost is going to be looking through the various writings of the mysterious poster over the years and the theories surrounding them, eventually leading up to my own personal quest to solve the mystery, and the findings I’ve made. I do not have a true wrap-up to this case, but I believe I have done the most in-depth research of anyone up until now, and I have discovered some hitherto unexplored leads. First, a look at the theories surrounding the case posited by other investigators over the years:
A Bot- This is a common theory due to the connection to a business, and the fact that the poster seems to respond to certain keywords (topics involving pie, sex, politics, and baby boomer pop culture). However, I think this one can be dismissed out of hand, the reason being that accounts connected to Kutchie’s have engaged and responded to people in a non-botlike way. More on that later. Beyond that, I can’t see any reason for someone to program such a bot, since there’s nothing to be gained from having a bot spend a decade posting nonsense about a defunct restaurant.
Oswald Pelaez himself- This is another one I’ve seen a few times, the assumption being that the posts are the Captain having a senior moment, or just fucking around in his old age. A visit to Pelaez’s Facebook page shows that he did indeed have a word-salad writing style, albeit not the exact same as the Kutchie's poster. However, it seems unlikely that this was the case, as a Redditor reported having contacted one of Pelaez’s sons, and finding that the Pelaez family appeared equally baffled.
An autistic or schizophrenic individual with a fixation on the restaurant: This suggestion derives from the unique writing style and monomaniacal interest of the poster. I have seen mental health professionals weighing in saying that the stream-of-conscious nature of the posts recalls their patients. I think people are drawn to this explanation because it puts something of a wholesome spin on the mystery- an individual with social/cognitive difficulties had a good experience at the restaurant while growing up in Asheville all those years ago, and now he wants to tell the internet about it in his one way. However, as again shown through communications with the poster, they are able to switch out of their “posting voice” and become more lucid, which may put this theory into doubt, or at least implies that the individual behind the posts is more high-functioning and calculating.
Coded messages or communications- This is a natural theory- the idea is that these posts are the modern equivalent of the Cold War number’s stations, broadcasting messages which can be read by the public, but are incomprehensible except to those privy to the info on how to decode it. The immediate problem with this theory is that the slow pace, repetitious nature, and semi-random web addresses of the postings would seem to make it hard to hide code in them. How would the recipients of the code even know where to look? However, there is also the possibility that it’s simply an individual screaming his coded messages into the void, to taunt people or conceal his intentions from all but a skilled codebreaker, rather like the Zodiac Killer or the Duclod Man. Why would this individual choose to hide his messages in the form of posts about a defunct restaurant? Who can say?
So, those are the major theories floating around out there regarding who the poster is. As we can see, a few of these theories can be dismissed out of hand, and one can potentially poke holes in all of them. Now that we’ve looked at the theories, it’s time for an overview of the posts themselves, as they have appeared over the past 10 years:
Foodio54- (http://foodio54.com/restaurant/South-Asheville-Arden-NC/c2e5c/Kutchies-Key-West-Kutcharitaville-Cafe) This restaurant review site hosts four separate reviews of Kutchie’s Key West Cafe. All four of these reviews are clearly written in the same style, and they were written over the course of several years. The oldest one here is by a user named VinnyGambini, after the character in My Cousin Vinny. Dating from December 2009, this may be the single oldest Kutchie’s post.
“Kutch Makes All Those Key Lime Pies From Real Ingredients, Including Real Key Lime Juice. "Anita" Kutchie's Lovely Wife Helps Him Now Making All Those Pies. She Also Runs The Front Too, As Well As The Office. Yea, Keep It All In The Family. Now That's How You Get Quality Control. "Pop", Kutchie's Dad Has Always Been There To Help From The Beginning. Kutchie's Mom Even Helped Out Until She Passed Away Several Years Ago. Threw The 80's Kutch and Anita Had Three Sons, Carlo, Santino and Joseph. Kutch Calls Them His Three Amigo's. All Three Sons Were Raised There In The Restaurant And Have Learned All Aspects Of The Business, From The Dish Tank, Mopping Floors, Cutting Meats, Serving Tables, Cooking And Tending Bar. Kutch Said That His First Road Sign Listed At The Bottom, "Family Restaurant". Kutch Said, "At That Time He Had No Idea That Someday His Whole Family Would Be The Ones Working There". Well I Guess, That's Life. Sometimes I Call Kutch and Ask Him How Are Things Going, He Says "Just Another Day In Paradise". Shit, I Can Tell That He Is Sick And Tired Of Doing The Same Old Thing Day-In And Day-Out. Kutch Would Never Admit That, He'll Probably Keep That Place Open To Train His Grand Kids The Business. Kutch Has Many People Calling, All The Time, Wanting Him To Start An On-Line Business To Sell His Key Lime Pies Country Wide. I Don't Know If He Can Bake That Many. He Seems Pretty Pushed As It Is. He Says That Maybe Someday He Will Throw Up Another Building And Put A Key Lime Pie Factory In It, And Start A Web-Site. May-Be He Will, May-Be He Wont, Who Knows. Just Don't Tell Him, That He Can't. “
Here, the poster refers to Oswald’s wife, Anita. He also accurately names Oswald’s three sons. I don’t know how many records about Oswald Pelaez were online in 2009, so I’m not sure whether the poster would have needed to know the family to have this information. The next oldest post is from 2012, and curiously, does not capitalize every word like most Kutchie’s posts. This poster signs their name as “Betty Joe Walker''. A Google search shows that there was one person with that name (there are a few other Betty Jo Walkers, but only one spelled J-o-e). Walker was a native of central North Carolina. And she died at the age of 67, one year before the post was made. This was the finding that made me start thinking of this mystery as something sinister. Why would a bot, or an individual simply sharing his happy memories, steal a dead person’s name? Two more Restaurant54 reviews of Kutchies’s date to 2013, and contain pretty standard content for the poster. One of them uses the name “Jake Carson'', which is used by this poster in other places as well.
Ozgold.com- Around 2012, the poster began writing posts claiming that Captain Kutchie was giving aways millions of dollars in prizes, and linking to a now defunct site called Ozgold.com. All of these posts can be found in a Pastebin here: https://pastebin.com/bT1z5ywT. He even links to Pelaez’s phone number in one of these. Oddly, he takes a negative tone towards Pelaez in some of these posts, writing in one “Please, Please, Please warn everyone about about ozsgold.com and Mr. OZ, That SOB has to be a crook or just plume loco. Maybe another Bernie Madoff, who the hell knows? It just ain't right.” Of course, this gold giveaway never existed either way as far as I can tell.
The copy-paste messages-
In 2013, the frequency of Kutchie’s posting really skyrocketed. IMDB, cooking sites, Fanfiction.net, Google Books reviews- nowhere was safe. Of course, the poster was mainly drawn in by particular key-topics: Pie, restaurants in genera, sex, politics, baby-boomer celebrities such as Johnny Carson. A few usernames were commonly employed for these posts: Roger Ramjet, Willie Jordan and Jake Carson. Most of these messages would be exact or near-exact copy pastes of one another. Some common topics of these posts included:
Key Lime Pies and Goody-goody Cheeseburgers- As far as can be gleaned from surviving ads, the restaurant prided itself on serving a variety of steaks and seafoods, but the key lime pies and burgers (which the poster always refers to as “goody-goody cheeseburgers”) seem to have been what made an impression to this person/bot/secret cabal. Occasionally, the poster will also reference Kutchie’s “prime ribs of beef with swamp water”. What does that mean- who knows?
Oswald’s wife, Anita Pelaez- generally refers to her as “lovely” or “hot”. "It just doesn't get any better than seeing her," as it appears.
The proximity of the restaurant to the Biltmore Estate- The Biltmore Estate was the home of George Vanderbilt II, and is by far the largest private residence ever built in America. It also happens to be located in Asheville. It seems as though the poster is trying to advertise the restaurant’s proximity to a major tourist attraction- heedless of the fact that the restaurant is closed.
Orgasms- Describing food as “better than sex” isn’t too weird, but our poster really likes to stretch out this saying. He refers to the food as giving him “piegasms” which he implies restored his sexual vitality. Here’s an excerpt of an example from the Google Books reviews of a book called “Incredible Orgasms”, by Marcelle Perks:
“.I Do Know First Hand That The Pelaez’s Famous Key Lime Pies Have The Ability To Turn Small Stream Squirters Into Major League Gushers Or Some Might Call Them “Niagara Falls”. Holly Molly, Let Those Good Times Flow, Baby! ….It’s No Wonder Everyone Believes That Kutchie Pelaez Is The Most Interesting Man In The World…..”Damn He Really Is” For Sure! …..That “Kutchie”, He Looks Marvelous Dahling!… ….”Hemingway”, Had Nothing On The “KutchMan”… ….Someone Overheard The “Kutchman” Say One Day That He Thought That He Was A Lesbian!… We Don’t Want To see Him Coming Out Of The Toilet With Just His Dick In His Hands”
Older Facebook Posts-
To my knowledge, at least three Facebook accounts have been linked to Kutchie's poster over the years. The oldest, operated from 2013-2016 is Jake Carson: https://www.facebook.com/jake.carson.98284/friends. The “Jake Carson” previously showed up as one of the reviewer names on Foodio54. The name bears resemblance to Johnny Carson, another obsession of the poster. This account had no friends, no photos or video uploaded, and never deviated from copy pasting the same few messages over and over. The Carson account was prolific in 2014, often posting 3-5 times/day. The frequency of posts eventually tapered, the last one being made in 2016. 2016 was also the year that the copy-pasted comments on various websites stopped appearing with regularity. Some people believe that the real Kutchie’s poster stopped at this point, and everything after 2016 has been trolls appropriating the role. As we will see, however, the post-2016 posts indicate an equally bizarre and committed writer, which makes it seem unlikely that it’s a different person.
The second Kutchie’s Facebook account appears in 2017. This is another personal account, which goes by the name Kutchie Pelaez. This is one of the main reasons some people think it isn’t operated by the same person- because the poster never previously claimed to be Captain Kutchie (though he did claim to have worked there in some posts). Unlike Jake Carson, Kutchie Pelaez doesn’t post copypasted messages. He does, however, have a variety of artists and musicians liked, including this band, The Ritards, with whom he has the following interaction: https://www.facebook.com/theritards/reviews/?ref=page_internal. What’s curious though, is that beyond this Facebook page, there is little indication that The Ritards actually exist. They have no music uploaded anywhere online, nor are there concert dates. Their posts do have a few likes though, most from people in the Eastern Pennsylvania area. When I messaged the Facebook page to ask what they knew about Captain Kutchie, my post was marked as “seen” almost immediately, even though the page has not been updated in two years. I received no response, however. While The Ritards seemed to be a dead-end, the Eastern PA music scene will prove to be important.
Also notable re: the Kutchie Pelaez Facebook page is the encounter Reddit user u/carinhabsburg had with the account, documented here: https://www.reddit.com/UnresolvedMysteries/comments/5c7g4m/what_the_captain_kutchie_of_the_key_lime_pies/. They messaged the account to ask who Kutchie was. He replied by sending a paragraph of text from a demo version of Silent Hill, which was in Swedish. While u/carinhapsburg was Swedish, they were adamant that there was no way Kutchie should have known that. Referencing a modern video game is certainly out of character for the boomer-persona the Kutchie’s poster had built up, so you can certainly see why some think the post-2016 poster is a different person. However, the vaguely sinister tone of this interaction is not exactly without precedent, given that the poster was already stealing a dead woman’s name in 2012.
Deviantart- The same year that the Kutchie Pelaez Facebook debuted, a Devientart with the same profile picture debuted- https://www.deviantart.com/captainkutchie. The bio of this account ascribes a variety of odd attributes to Captain Kutchie- His favorite gaming platform? “A sidewalk large enough for a heated round of hopscotch or marbles.”
His favourite books? “Epidemically overrated teen paperback novels. Ikea instruction manuals.”
His “Tools of the Trade?” “My fists. Spells and potions.”
The accounts gallery posts are now deleted, and I unfortunately did not take any screenshots. There were three paragraphs that they copypsted over and over- one about Anita Pelaez and Kutchie’s prime rib, one excerpt from a Longmont Potion Castle bit, and one Charles Manson quote. Longmont Potion Castle is an anonymous individual who has recorded their prank calls since the early 90s. Since anonymity and the adoption of absurd personas are LPC’s hallmarks, it’s not hard to see why the Kutchie’s poster chooses to quote them. The Manson quote, while tying in to the poster’s obsession with famous people of the 60s and 70s, adds another deeply sinister element to the mystery.
Patti Salmon-
In 2018, the poster begins writing about Captain Kutchie’s under the name Patti Salmon (a pun on salmon patties?) These posts are differentiated from the past ones by their explicit political anger. While politics were already noted as one of the poster’s obsessions, Patti Salmon goes on disparaging rants, only loosely tied back to the restaurant, against liberal political figures.
This is an excerpt from a comment under a blog post about the Kutchie’s mystery (also indicating that the poster is self-aware of the mystery community’s interest in them):
“That Rep. Jerry Nadler (D) NY, Rag Head llhan Omar (D) Minn, Alex Ocasio-Horetez (D) NY, Ayanna Lesbo Pressley (D) Mass.., Rashida Tlaib (D) Mich., Al Green (D) Tx., Pocahantas Vermont Tribe with Bernie Sanders, Nervous Nancy Cookville Calf., Rachel Madnow (MSNBC), Robert De Negro (NY), Shifty Schiff Cookvill Calf., El Chapo, Bozo O’ Rourke (Who Cares)., Maxine Impeach Waters Cookville Calf., Woopi Goldbrick (ABC)., Joy Blowhard (ABC)., Rainny Hostin (ABC)., Juan Williams (FOX NEWS)., Adoff Hilter (HELL)., Hell-They’re All really some kind of Commie’s ? Impeach Them NOW!!! Oh, I forgot one, The Rev. Al Not-So-Sharpton, very interesting butt Stupid! Let’s Send them all to the moon for the next 50 Years! What would Chef Captain Kutchie Pelaez Say? Well, He would probably say something like “No Soup For You!!!”. “Come Back 50 years”. Or something like for all those “Politicos” “Stay Away From Those Manholes” and he would say “Don’t Get None On Ya!”. Anyway, we sure-do still agree with all those “Kutcharitaville and Chef Captain Kutchie Pelaez Reports that everyone has been posting for the last 25 years or however long this internet thing has been going on. Captain Kutchie has been World Famous way longer than this stupid internet for damn sure. You can take that to the bank, Thats’ GOLD Jerry it’s GOLD! Or put it in your pipe and smoke it. He would also say, All of today’s Anti Trumpers are mad because, they were promised by The Dragon Lady HerSelf “Hillary Clinton” a leading Membership in Hillary’s 666 New World Order! What makes all these Racist, Commie Leftest Liberal Wannabee everything for nothing AssHoles and they’re Scum Sucking Pig, Fake News Chicken-Shit, Ass Licking Fake Reporters think that they can outsmart our “Lord Christ Jesus”? Hillary, your lord Satan was defeated way back on The Cross and yet, YOU, continue to deceive and recruit all those weak souls that you can fool too follow you back home straight too HELL!”
Note the interest in conspiracy theories here.
Newer Facebook Posts-
Finally, we come to the newest Facebook account, this one a page for a business rather than a personal account- Kutchie’s Key West Kutcharitaville Cafe (not linked here, gonna go ahead and say Do Not Interact). This page debuted in July 2020, just weeks before I fell down the Kutchie’s rabbithole and began this investigation. Unsurprisingly given its recency, it does not appear to have been discovered by anyone else in the mystery community.
The earliest posts from this page are simply shares of Jake Carson’s posts from several years prior. On July 12th, the Kutcharitaville page began posting longer messages, at a rate of 5+ every day. These posts are nonsensical jumbles of words that appear in other Kutchie’s posts, and appear to have been created by either a bot, or one of those story generators where you feed paragraphs in and it tries to rearrange them syntactically. Here’s a sample from a much longer post.
“BILTMORE HOUSE AND WE LOVELY ANITA PELAEZ IS THE PELAEZ IS THE WORLD THEY EVERYONE S KEY WEST FAME LOCATED NEAR THE BEST AND GRILL WHERE THE BILLED AS THE LOVELY COUPLE S KEY WEST FAME LOCATED NEAR THE MEL FISHER HE THOSE GOOD NEWS NOT A LESBIAN ANITA S BEST AND GRILL WHERE THE LOVELY COUPLE S BEST AND GRILL WHERE THE LOVELY COUPLE HOUSE AND THEY EVERYONE S SEX RATES BY KUTCHIE S BEST AND WE LOVELY COUPLE S SEX RATES BY NO LESS THAN HIS FATHER THEY EVERYONE S GOOD NEWS NOT A WIN WIN WIN FOR ANYTHING ON THE DOG ATE YOURS DICK IN THE PELAEZ OVER AND TREASURE MUCH MORE ANITA PELAEZ AND HER FAMOUS DEEP SEA UNDERWATER AND HER FAMOUS KEY WEST FAME MAY”
Interspersed with these posts are excerpts from North Carolinian newspapers that reference the restaurant, and photos of the exterior and interior of the abandoned building. What’s interesting is that the photos of the building don’t appear to be from anywhere on the internet. In other words, that means the poster must have actually gone to the building, and either broken in or been let in. This is the reason why I, as stated earlier, think that the post-2016 posts do come from the same individual as the older ones. The level of obsession indicated here is not that of a troll or a LARPer. It’s that of someone truly devoted to an inscrutable cause. Interestingly, one of these posts received a like from the Kutchie Pelaez account, indicating it was still active too in July 2020.
More recently, the account began posting coherent sentences that bear no relation to Captain Kutchie or key lime pies. In a post from July 28th, the poster copypastes the phrase “mail dropped to Rhode Island” 35 times, and below that “From Delaware.” Another post copies the phrase “My brother was eaten by wolves on the Connecticut turnpike,” which is a line from the Stephen King story “1408”.
On July 31st, the poster writes “Carrie Lam is not nice with China. She will end floating in a water tank”, copying this phrase dozens of times. This appears to be a macabre pun on the shared surnames of Carrie Lam, controversial mayor of Hong-Kong, and Elisa Lam, a woman who drowned in a water tank under circumstances that have made her story a fixture in the online unsolved-mysteries community. At the time of writing, the most recent post is from August 25th, and reads
“USE [master] Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Soon we are in Mexico. (+14) and in we go. GO”
Screencaps of some posts, for posterity: https://imgur.com/gallery/R8ssLw6
This is the current status of the Kutchie’s poster. Dark, cryptic phrases, repeated on a Facebook page to 69 followers. Next, I’m going to be posting about the results of my personal investigation into the Kutchie’s mystery, featuring my interactions with this account, among others.
Edit
I have made a significant error in my post. The owner of the restaurant was Oswald Pelaez Jr, nor senior, and Anita was his wife, while Polly was his father's wife. So Captain Kutchie is still alive, I believe
submitted by CaptKutchiesTA to nonmurdermysteries [link] [comments]


2020.09.10 23:04 CaptKutchiesTA The Kutchie's Key Lime Pie Mystery Part 1: Overview, Theories and Leads

The mystery of Captain Kutchie and his key lime pie has haunted the internet for over a decade now.It’s been extensively written on elsewhere, so I won’t spend long on the details I assume many already know, so check this link for some more in-depth info (https://www.reddit.com/UnresolvedMysteries/comments/9wo93c/other_an_indepth_look_at_kutchies_key_lime_pies/ )
The basis of the mystery though, is that since 2010, an individual or group has been writing cryptic, bizarrely written rants on various websites about a restaurant called Captain Kutchie’s Key West Cafe, usually focusing on either the key lime pies served at this restaurant, or the owner, Oswald “Kutchie” Paleaz. For a long time, it was unclear that Kutchie’s actually existed, but it was eventually discovered that the restaurant did exist, and was open from the 1970s until 2009, at the address 2227-2201 Asheville Hwy, Hendersonville, NC 2879. The messages about Kutchie’s have turned up in various places throughout the internet, but they usually share a common format. Here is one sample:
“I Tried The Captain Kutchie’s Key Lime Pies And Those PieGasams Healed All My Symptoms Within The First 4-Weeks! I highly Recommend Captain Kutchie’s Key Lime Pies For Anything That Ails You!….(“They’re Great”!!!.).. .. …Kobe Bryant May Be Retiring From Basket Ball But Captain Kutchie’s Is Still His Pie Of Choice!… …Can’t Get Enough Of That Key Lime Pie, Key Lime Pie, Key Lime Pie. Can’t Get Enough Of That Key Lime Pie Or I’ll Just Cry Until I Die, I Don’t Know Why I Just Love My Key Lime Pies!…. .\ .”
So, this is a typical example of what the posts look like, showing many of the common hallmarks: non-syntactic sentences, Capitalization Of Every Word, references to celebrities or politicians liking the pies and an odd radio-announcer like tone are some hallmarks of the writing style, though it can vary. It isn’t hard to see why, after finding these messages strewn across the internet like litter by the side of a freeway, people have gotten sucked into the investigation, and become suspicious of deeper meanings.
This 2-part longpost is going to be looking through the various writings of the mysterious poster over the years and the theories surrounding them, eventually leading up to my own personal quest to solve the mystery, and the findings I’ve made. I do not have a true wrap-up to this case, but I believe I have done the most in-depth research of anyone up until now, and I have discovered some hitherto unexplored leads. First, a look at the theories surrounding the case posited by other investigators over the years:
A Bot- This is a common theory due to the connection to a business, and the fact that the poster seems to respond to certain keywords (topics involving pie, sex, politics, and baby boomer pop culture). However, I think this one can be dismissed out of hand, the reason being that accounts connected to Kutchie’s have engaged and responded to people in a non-botlike way. More on that later. Beyond that, I can’t see any reason for someone to program such a bot, since there’s nothing to be gained from having a bot spend a decade posting nonsense about a defunct restaurant.
Oswald Pelaez himself- This is another one I’ve seen a few times, the assumption being that the posts are the Captain having a senior moment, or just fucking around in his old age. A visit to Pelaez’s Facebook page shows that he did indeed have a word-salad writing style, albeit not the exact same as the Kutchie's poster. However, it seems unlikely that this was the case, as a Redditor reported having contacted one of Pelaez’s sons, and finding that the Pelaez family appeared equally baffled.
An autistic or schizophrenic individual with a fixation on the restaurant: This suggestion derives from the unique writing style and monomaniacal interest of the poster. I have seen mental health professionals weighing in saying that the stream-of-conscious nature of the posts recalls their patients. I think people are drawn to this explanation because it puts something of a wholesome spin on the mystery- an individual with social/cognitive difficulties had a good experience at the restaurant while growing up in Asheville all those years ago, and now he wants to tell the internet about it in his one way. However, as again shown through communications with the poster, they are able to switch out of their “posting voice” and become more lucid, which may put this theory into doubt, or at least implies that the individual behind the posts is more high-functioning and calculating.
Coded messages or communications- This is a natural theory- the idea is that these posts are the modern equivalent of the Cold War number’s stations, broadcasting messages which can be read by the public, but are incomprehensible except to those privy to the info on how to decode it. The immediate problem with this theory is that the slow pace, repetitious nature, and semi-random web addresses of the postings would seem to make it hard to hide code in them. How would the recipients of the code even know where to look? However, there is also the possibility that it’s simply an individual screaming his coded messages into the void, to taunt people or conceal his intentions from all but a skilled codebreaker, rather like the Zodiac Killer or the Duclod Man. Why would this individual choose to hide his messages in the form of posts about a defunct restaurant? Who can say?
So, those are the major theories floating around out there regarding who the poster is. As we can see, a few of these theories can be dismissed out of hand, and one can potentially poke holes in all of them. Now that we’ve looked at the theories, it’s time for an overview of the posts themselves, as they have appeared over the past 10 years:
Foodio54- (http://foodio54.com/restaurant/South-Asheville-Arden-NC/c2e5c/Kutchies-Key-West-Kutcharitaville-Cafe) This restaurant review site hosts four separate reviews of Kutchie’s Key West Cafe. All four of these reviews are clearly written in the same style, and they were written over the course of several years. The oldest one here is by a user named VinnyGambini, after the character in My Cousin Vinny. Dating from December 2009, this may be the single oldest Kutchie’s post.
“Kutch Makes All Those Key Lime Pies From Real Ingredients, Including Real Key Lime Juice. "Anita" Kutchie's Lovely Wife Helps Him Now Making All Those Pies. She Also Runs The Front Too, As Well As The Office. Yea, Keep It All In The Family. Now That's How You Get Quality Control. "Pop", Kutchie's Dad Has Always Been There To Help From The Beginning. Kutchie's Mom Even Helped Out Until She Passed Away Several Years Ago. Threw The 80's Kutch and Anita Had Three Sons, Carlo, Santino and Joseph. Kutch Calls Them His Three Amigo's. All Three Sons Were Raised There In The Restaurant And Have Learned All Aspects Of The Business, From The Dish Tank, Mopping Floors, Cutting Meats, Serving Tables, Cooking And Tending Bar. Kutch Said That His First Road Sign Listed At The Bottom, "Family Restaurant". Kutch Said, "At That Time He Had No Idea That Someday His Whole Family Would Be The Ones Working There". Well I Guess, That's Life. Sometimes I Call Kutch and Ask Him How Are Things Going, He Says "Just Another Day In Paradise". Shit, I Can Tell That He Is Sick And Tired Of Doing The Same Old Thing Day-In And Day-Out. Kutch Would Never Admit That, He'll Probably Keep That Place Open To Train His Grand Kids The Business. Kutch Has Many People Calling, All The Time, Wanting Him To Start An On-Line Business To Sell His Key Lime Pies Country Wide. I Don't Know If He Can Bake That Many. He Seems Pretty Pushed As It Is. He Says That Maybe Someday He Will Throw Up Another Building And Put A Key Lime Pie Factory In It, And Start A Web-Site. May-Be He Will, May-Be He Wont, Who Knows. Just Don't Tell Him, That He Can't. “
Here, the poster refers to Oswald’s wife, Anita. He also accurately names Oswald’s three sons. I don’t know how many records about Oswald Pelaez were online in 2009, so I’m not sure whether the poster would have needed to know the family to have this information. The next oldest post is from 2012, and curiously, does not capitalize every word like most Kutchie’s posts. This poster signs their name as “Betty Joe Walker''. A Google search shows that there was one person with that name (there are a few other Betty Jo Walkers, but only one spelled J-o-e). Walker was a native of central North Carolina. And she died at the age of 67, one year before the post was made. This was the finding that made me start thinking of this mystery as something sinister. Why would a bot, or an individual simply sharing his happy memories, steal a dead person’s name? Two more Restaurant54 reviews of Kutchies’s date to 2013, and contain pretty standard content for the poster. One of them uses the name “Jake Carson'', which is used by this poster in other places as well.
Ozgold.com- Around 2012, the poster began writing posts claiming that Captain Kutchie was giving aways millions of dollars in prizes, and linking to a now defunct site called Ozgold.com. All of these posts can be found in a Pastebin here: https://pastebin.com/bT1z5ywT. He even links to Pelaez’s phone number in one of these. Oddly, he takes a negative tone towards Pelaez in some of these posts, writing in one “Please, Please, Please warn everyone about about ozsgold.com and Mr. OZ, That SOB has to be a crook or just plume loco. Maybe another Bernie Madoff, who the hell knows? It just ain't right.” Of course, this gold giveaway never existed either way as far as I can tell.
The copy-paste messages-
In 2013, the frequency of Kutchie’s posting really skyrocketed. IMDB, cooking sites, Fanfiction.net, Google Books reviews- nowhere was safe. Of course, the poster was mainly drawn in by particular key-topics: Pie, restaurants in genera, sex, politics, baby-boomer celebrities such as Johnny Carson. A few usernames were commonly employed for these posts: Roger Ramjet, Willie Jordan and Jake Carson. Most of these messages would be exact or near-exact copy pastes of one another. Some common topics of these posts included:
Key Lime Pies and Goody-goody Cheeseburgers- As far as can be gleaned from surviving ads, the restaurant prided itself on serving a variety of steaks and seafoods, but the key lime pies and burgers (which the poster always refers to as “goody-goody cheeseburgers”) seem to have been what made an impression to this person/bot/secret cabal. Occasionally, the poster will also reference Kutchie’s “prime ribs of beef with swamp water”. What does that mean- who knows?
Oswald’s wife, Anita Pelaez- generally refers to her as “lovely” or “hot”. "It just doesn't get any better than seeing her," as it appears.
The proximity of the restaurant to the Biltmore Estate- The Biltmore Estate was the home of George Vanderbilt II, and is by far the largest private residence ever built in America. It also happens to be located in Asheville. It seems as though the poster is trying to advertise the restaurant’s proximity to a major tourist attraction- heedless of the fact that the restaurant is closed.
Orgasms- Describing food as “better than sex” isn’t too weird, but our poster really likes to stretch out this saying. He refers to the food as giving him “piegasms” which he implies restored his sexual vitality. Here’s an excerpt of an example from the Google Books reviews of a book called “Incredible Orgasms”, by Marcelle Perks:
“.I Do Know First Hand That The Pelaez’s Famous Key Lime Pies Have The Ability To Turn Small Stream Squirters Into Major League Gushers Or Some Might Call Them “Niagara Falls”. Holly Molly, Let Those Good Times Flow, Baby! ….It’s No Wonder Everyone Believes That Kutchie Pelaez Is The Most Interesting Man In The World…..”Damn He Really Is” For Sure! …..That “Kutchie”, He Looks Marvelous Dahling!… ….”Hemingway”, Had Nothing On The “KutchMan”… ….Someone Overheard The “Kutchman” Say One Day That He Thought That He Was A Lesbian!… We Don’t Want To see Him Coming Out Of The Toilet With Just His Dick In His Hands”
Older Facebook Posts-
To my knowledge, at least three Facebook accounts have been linked to Kutchie's poster over the years. The oldest, operated from 2013-2016 is Jake Carson: https://www.facebook.com/jake.carson.98284/friends. The “Jake Carson” previously showed up as one of the reviewer names on Foodio54. The name bears resemblance to Johnny Carson, another obsession of the poster. This account had no friends, no photos or video uploaded, and never deviated from copy pasting the same few messages over and over. The Carson account was prolific in 2014, often posting 3-5 times/day. The frequency of posts eventually tapered, the last one being made in 2016. 2016 was also the year that the copy-pasted comments on various websites stopped appearing with regularity. Some people believe that the real Kutchie’s poster stopped at this point, and everything after 2016 has been trolls appropriating the role. As we will see, however, the post-2016 posts indicate an equally bizarre and committed writer, which makes it seem unlikely that it’s a different person.
The second Kutchie’s Facebook account appears in 2017. This is another personal account, which goes by the name Kutchie Pelaez. This is one of the main reasons some people think it isn’t operated by the same person- because the poster never previously claimed to be Captain Kutchie (though he did claim to have worked there in some posts). Unlike Jake Carson, Kutchie Pelaez doesn’t post copypasted messages. He does, however, have a variety of artists and musicians liked, including this band, The Ritards, with whom he has the following interaction: https://www.facebook.com/theritards/reviews/?ref=page_internal. What’s curious though, is that beyond this Facebook page, there is little indication that The Ritards actually exist. They have no music uploaded anywhere online, nor are there concert dates. Their posts do have a few likes though, most from people in the Eastern Pennsylvania area. When I messaged the Facebook page to ask what they knew about Captain Kutchie, my post was marked as “seen” almost immediately, even though the page has not been updated in two years. I received no response, however. While The Ritards seemed to be a dead-end, the Eastern PA music scene will prove to be important.
Also notable re: the Kutchie Pelaez Facebook page is the encounter Reddit user u/carinhabsburg had with the account, documented here: https://www.reddit.com/UnresolvedMysteries/comments/5c7g4m/what_the_captain_kutchie_of_the_key_lime_pies/. They messaged the account to ask who Kutchie was. He replied by sending a paragraph of text from a demo version of Silent Hill, which was in Swedish. While u/carinhapsburg was Swedish, they were adamant that there was no way Kutchie should have known that. Referencing a modern video game is certainly out of character for the boomer-persona the Kutchie’s poster had built up, so you can certainly see why some think the post-2016 poster is a different person. However, the vaguely sinister tone of this interaction is not exactly without precedent, given that the poster was already stealing a dead woman’s name in 2012.
Deviantart- The same year that the Kutchie Pelaez Facebook debuted, a Devientart with the same profile picture debuted- https://www.deviantart.com/captainkutchie. The bio of this account ascribes a variety of odd attributes to Captain Kutchie- His favorite gaming platform? “A sidewalk large enough for a heated round of hopscotch or marbles.”
His favourite books? “Epidemically overrated teen paperback novels. Ikea instruction manuals.”
His “Tools of the Trade?” “My fists. Spells and potions.”
The accounts gallery posts are now deleted, and I unfortunately did not take any screenshots. There were three paragraphs that they copypsted over and over- one about Anita Pelaez and Kutchie’s prime rib, one excerpt from a Longmont Potion Castle bit, and one Charles Manson quote. Longmont Potion Castle is an anonymous individual who has recorded their prank calls since the early 90s. Since anonymity and the adoption of absurd personas are LPC’s hallmarks, it’s not hard to see why the Kutchie’s poster chooses to quote them. The Manson quote, while tying in to the poster’s obsession with famous people of the 60s and 70s, adds another deeply sinister element to the mystery.
Patti Salmon-
In 2018, the poster begins writing about Captain Kutchie’s under the name Patti Salmon (a pun on salmon patties?) These posts are differentiated from the past ones by their explicit political anger. While politics were already noted as one of the poster’s obsessions, Patti Salmon goes on disparaging rants, only loosely tied back to the restaurant, against liberal political figures.
This is an excerpt from a comment under a blog post about the Kutchie’s mystery (also indicating that the poster is self-aware of the mystery community’s interest in them):
“That Rep. Jerry Nadler (D) NY, Rag Head llhan Omar (D) Minn, Alex Ocasio-Horetez (D) NY, Ayanna Lesbo Pressley (D) Mass.., Rashida Tlaib (D) Mich., Al Green (D) Tx., Pocahantas Vermont Tribe with Bernie Sanders, Nervous Nancy Cookville Calf., Rachel Madnow (MSNBC), Robert De Negro (NY), Shifty Schiff Cookvill Calf., El Chapo, Bozo O’ Rourke (Who Cares)., Maxine Impeach Waters Cookville Calf., Woopi Goldbrick (ABC)., Joy Blowhard (ABC)., Rainny Hostin (ABC)., Juan Williams (FOX NEWS)., Adoff Hilter (HELL)., Hell-They’re All really some kind of Commie’s ? Impeach Them NOW!!! Oh, I forgot one, The Rev. Al Not-So-Sharpton, very interesting butt Stupid! Let’s Send them all to the moon for the next 50 Years! What would Chef Captain Kutchie Pelaez Say? Well, He would probably say something like “No Soup For You!!!”. “Come Back 50 years”. Or something like for all those “Politicos” “Stay Away From Those Manholes” and he would say “Don’t Get None On Ya!”. Anyway, we sure-do still agree with all those “Kutcharitaville and Chef Captain Kutchie Pelaez Reports that everyone has been posting for the last 25 years or however long this internet thing has been going on. Captain Kutchie has been World Famous way longer than this stupid internet for damn sure. You can take that to the bank, Thats’ GOLD Jerry it’s GOLD! Or put it in your pipe and smoke it. He would also say, All of today’s Anti Trumpers are mad because, they were promised by The Dragon Lady HerSelf “Hillary Clinton” a leading Membership in Hillary’s 666 New World Order! What makes all these Racist, Commie Leftest Liberal Wannabee everything for nothing AssHoles and they’re Scum Sucking Pig, Fake News Chicken-Shit, Ass Licking Fake Reporters think that they can outsmart our “Lord Christ Jesus”? Hillary, your lord Satan was defeated way back on The Cross and yet, YOU, continue to deceive and recruit all those weak souls that you can fool too follow you back home straight too HELL!”
Note the interest in conspiracy theories here.
Newer Facebook Posts-
Finally, we come to the newest Facebook account, this one a page for a business rather than a personal account- Kutchie’s Key West Kutcharitaville Cafe (not linked here, gonna go ahead and say Do Not Interact). This page debuted in July 2020, just weeks before I fell down the Kutchie’s rabbithole and began this investigation. Unsurprisingly given its recency, it does not appear to have been discovered by anyone else in the mystery community.
The earliest posts from this page are simply shares of Jake Carson’s posts from several years prior. On July 12th, the Kutcharitaville page began posting longer messages, at a rate of 5+ every day. These posts are nonsensical jumbles of words that appear in other Kutchie’s posts, and appear to have been created by either a bot, or one of those story generators where you feed paragraphs in and it tries to rearrange them syntactically. Here’s a sample from a much longer post.
“BILTMORE HOUSE AND WE LOVELY ANITA PELAEZ IS THE PELAEZ IS THE WORLD THEY EVERYONE S KEY WEST FAME LOCATED NEAR THE BEST AND GRILL WHERE THE BILLED AS THE LOVELY COUPLE S KEY WEST FAME LOCATED NEAR THE MEL FISHER HE THOSE GOOD NEWS NOT A LESBIAN ANITA S BEST AND GRILL WHERE THE LOVELY COUPLE S BEST AND GRILL WHERE THE LOVELY COUPLE HOUSE AND THEY EVERYONE S SEX RATES BY KUTCHIE S BEST AND WE LOVELY COUPLE S SEX RATES BY NO LESS THAN HIS FATHER THEY EVERYONE S GOOD NEWS NOT A WIN WIN WIN FOR ANYTHING ON THE DOG ATE YOURS DICK IN THE PELAEZ OVER AND TREASURE MUCH MORE ANITA PELAEZ AND HER FAMOUS DEEP SEA UNDERWATER AND HER FAMOUS KEY WEST FAME MAY”
Interspersed with these posts are excerpts from North Carolinian newspapers that reference the restaurant, and photos of the exterior and interior of the abandoned building. What’s interesting is that the photos of the building don’t appear to be from anywhere on the internet. In other words, that means the poster must have actually gone to the building, and either broken in or been let in. This is the reason why I, as stated earlier, think that the post-2016 posts do come from the same individual as the older ones. The level of obsession indicated here is not that of a troll or a LARPer. It’s that of someone truly devoted to an inscrutable cause. Interestingly, one of these posts received a like from the Kutchie Pelaez account, indicating it was still active too in July 2020.
More recently, the account began posting coherent sentences that bear no relation to Captain Kutchie or key lime pies. In a post from July 28th, the poster copypastes the phrase “mail dropped to Rhode Island” 35 times, and below that “From Delaware.” Another post copies the phrase “My brother was eaten by wolves on the Connecticut turnpike,” which is a line from the Stephen King story “1408”.
On July 31st, the poster writes “Carrie Lam is not nice with China. She will end floating in a water tank”, copying this phrase dozens of times. This appears to be a macabre pun on the shared surnames of Carrie Lam, controversial mayor of Hong-Kong, and Elisa Lam, a woman who drowned in a water tank under circumstances that have made her story a fixture in the online unsolved-mysteries community. At the time of writing, the most recent post is from August 25th, and reads
“USE [master] Mexico. Mexico. Mexico. Soon we are in Mexico. (+14) and in we go. GO”
Screencaps of some posts, for posterity: https://imgur.com/gallery/R8ssLw6
This is the current status of the Kutchie’s poster. Dark, cryptic phrases, repeated on a Facebook page to 69 followers. Next, I’m going to be posting about the results of my personal investigation into the Kutchie’s mystery, featuring my interactions with this account, among others.
Edit
I have made a significant error in my post. The owner of the restaurant was Oswald Pelaez Jr, nor senior, and Anita was his wife, while Polly was his father's wife. So Captain Kutchie is still alive, I believe
submitted by CaptKutchiesTA to UnresolvedMysteries [link] [comments]


2020.09.04 22:34 ThrowawayRA8648 My ex-boyfriend (26M) and I (23F) broke up because I was too distracting from medical school?

We've been dating for about 6 months, but really only met a handful of times due to long distance and schedules. He's a third year med student and I'm a first year. Basically we were both okay until he started wards (doing clinical work) and almost failing four exams in a row. He said he thought about me "too much" both at home when he had to study, and when he was in the hospital. He said he stressed out about us, as he's an anxious person and he felt like he couldn't make me happy/give me the time I needed, and there were "a lot of guys near me." He said he felt like I wanted guys who can compliment me constantly (he said that because my love language is words of affirmation and his is not, and random dudes would give me attention via online comments which I would delete later). He also said he doesn't want me to worry about his failures.
Basically he said this all through phone, but then wanted to come over that weekend to talk it out in person. So he stayed for 10 hours being conflicted: in the end he said he just needed time to make sure he can pass medical school and become a doctor, but he also didn't want me to wait around for him. But he also didn't want to end the relationship forever. He just needed to collect himself and regain his mental/physical health (he's been doing a lot of Xanax and weed to cope with stress) and 100% guarantee he will pass all his upcoming rotations and national exams.
On my part, he's the first guy I'm physically attracted to (I thought I was a lesbo my entire life). But personality wise I could probably find someone more compatible. Although it's hard to find someone compatible with me lol.
Please excuse my somewhat dumb uncertainty, but my question is: are these valid reasons to take a temporary break, or should I just assume this is a permanent end and just move on? I will probably move on either way, but I just hate grey areas. He left with such uncertainty it made me feel uncertain. The only fact we agreed upon was that he will be even busier now, as his new schedule for surgery requires 3am shifts and on-call weekends. And I don't have time to always drive to him either. I'm wondering though, were all these factors not in the mix, would he still come up with some other excuse? I don't understand people too well in these situations. I've also never gone through a break/break up like this.

Also his mom said to break up with me because she thought i was the reason for his failing exams...

Thank you

edit: some word changes
submitted by ThrowawayRA8648 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.07.29 00:41 Ezza16 Daily Skins Review - S5 E2 “Rich”

We’re back with more of season five as we make our way to the second episode. This one’s titled “Rich”, that metalhead bloke from the last episode who hangs around with the ginger guy, both of whom have some spontaneous relationship with Frankie that has absolutely no build up at all. Nevertheless, he’s a new character who we get to learn about as we progress through this season and generation as a whole. Let’s begin.
We open with some psychedelic shit going on as we see glimpses of a leather jacket. Rock music plays as we see someone down a bottle of vodka. We eventually see that this is Rich (who’s like the UK’s answer to Roderick) as he appears to be enjoying a rock concert. He’s completely in a world of his own as his mate (the other van bro) tries to get his attention. Rich snaps out of his world and it’s revealed that he’s actually at some sort of party and not a Jimi Hendrix gig. His mate (why won’t they say his fucking name?) introduces him to two blonde girls who Rich doesn’t seem all too interested in. They ask him what he was listening to so Rich, being the difficult person that he seems to be, takes off the MP3 player that’s on and puts on some heavy rock music. All party goers are seemingly unhappy with this and everyone tells him to turn it off. Rich ignores there protests and screams along with the song (you know, I was with Rich on the whole rock music thing but the jacket should’ve told me that he was less Oasis and more Slipknot. That screaming bollocks isn’t doing it for me). Rich and his mate are promptly thrown out so Rich’s mate calls him a “dick” (he ain’t wrong). We then see him sit up in a sleeping bag beside Rich’s bed and complain that he’s “never gonna get laid if Rich is going to be such a douche to all the dames they meet”. Rich says it’s because all the girls they meet are always arseholes. His mate goes on to say that he doesn’t care if they’re “one-legged, dead hermaphrodites” (I think that’s probably more of a problem than Rich to be honest). Rich says that he’s not going to waste his time on “peroxide-sodden Miley Cyrus Cowellistas” (these are some of the most random adjectives I’ve ever heard). His mate says that he’s full of shit and asks if some metalhead girl wandered into his life if he’d ask her out. Rich says he would and that she’d say yes. His mate says he’s going to find him one then, stating that he’ll be like “Cilla Black with a dick” (what an awful attempt at a joke. I’m gonna have an issue with this generation if it does this often. Even the delivery was awful). His mate says it’ll be easy. However, Rich says she “can’t be fat though”, as his mate just says “Bollocks” (from one awful joke to quite a funny one actually. That actually made me laugh and was delivered well). We then get an awful bit where Rich wakes up to his alarm that blast “Let the bodies hit the floor”, which he gets up and screams along to (okay, seriously what the fuck? First of all, that’s the kind of song I’d pick if I was making a parody of a metalhead character. That was far too stereotypical. Speaking of which, Rich’s character is just far too over the top. He’s been nothing short of a walking stereotype so far and all this screaming shit is just awful). Rich picks up a roll of toilet roll where his mate slept that has has that he’s gone fishing written on it. Rich goes to take a shower and gets a call from his mate telling him to come to college. Rich goes outside and his dad asks him if he’s off to college. Rich says “Yes, Kevin” and sarcastically tells him he goes their everyday (what a twat). His dad tells him he wishes Rich wouldn’t call him Kevin but Rich just dismisses it. Rich meets his mate in the library who takes his hand and smiles. He takes Rich down an aisle and shows him the “Angel of Death”. Rich looks at a metalhead girl as heavy metal music plays in his head. His mate tells him to go and talk to her but Rich doesn’t seem keen. He reminds Rich of what he said so he agrees. He awkwardly approaches her and tries to talk. However, he minces his words, heavy metal music blares whenever he looks at her (for some reason) and she looks at him like he’s a fucking idiot. He then awkwardly says he’s been looking for a book for ages and picks out “Incest; A Frank Discussion”. He eventually aborts mission and is heard telling his mate Alo (yes, they’ve finally said his name) to shut the fuck up.
Alo tells Rich that he needs help on the whole chatting up girls thing. Rich gives the pretty weak excuse that he didn’t have breakfast that morning. Rich doesn’t take kindly to Alo slagging him off and points out that Alo “masturbates so much that his hand is now a shrivelled wank claw”. Alo suggests that they get a girl to help him. But he then says that someone who isn’t “like a girl” (I think I see where this is going). Low and behold I was correct as Franky has to explain to them that they’ve come to the wrong place. Franky says she knows someone who can help them and leads them to Grace, who is practicing ballet. Franky hits Alo when he mentions he can see Grace’s “vag through her leotard”. They tell Grace their problem but things come to an awkward halt when Mini and Liv come in looking for Grace. Some back and forth between Mini and Franky occurs and Mini asks Grace if she’s “still coming for that mocha” as Liv sort of sneers in the background for some reason. They encourage Grace to join them and Mini says she’s no problem if Grace wants to hang out with “inbreds, lesbos and nerds”. Rich takes issue with this so Mini tells him to “Fuck off back to Valhalla”. Mini and Liv then snigger like a pair of dickheads and Grace agrees to join them. Rich listens to more of his metal music, has a smoke and goes to lie down next to a tree. Someone sits near him and Rich asks them what they want. Eventually, this person reveals themselves to be Grace in a disguise as “Mini will be happier if she doesn’t know about it”. She offers to help him but Rich doesn’t think it’s a good idea because she kind of represents “everything he despises in the world” (ooh, how edgy). Grace says that her mother always says opposites attract. Rich says that’s magnets and they’re people (holy shit, Rich is the most miserable person I’ve ever seen). Grace tells him to take her to the girl he likes so they head to the library. Grace says she’s pretty and asks why she’s “wearing a dog collar”. Rich says it’s because she’s a metalhead and Grace asks what a metalhead is. Rich seems quite offended by this and tells Grace that a metalhead is someone like him who likes metal music. He says that’s why he dresses like he does. Grace says she thought he dressed like that for a joke so Rich angrily tells her he’s “not a fucking clown dressing up silly to make you laugh”. Grace tells her that she’ll use her acting skills to role play Rich asking the girl out. Rich remarks that “That’s the worst idea since genocide” (or since killing off Freddie). Grace says it will be fun and they have no other choice. Rich angrily tells her “Fine” and they go to a record shop. Rich picks up some tickets off the owner for a band named “Napalm Death” (they used to tour all over Vietnam). Grace says they should go together, but Rich tells her if he went with her he “wouldn’t want to go” (what a horrible little bastard). The owner asks Grace who she is and she introduces herself. She asks about the record behind him and he tells her it’s “Misplaced Abortion’s” (these names are hilarious. Are these real bands?) third record. He says that it’s the heaviest record of all time and there is only three in the world. He says you can’t even listen to it because it’s “way too heavy”. Rich plays her some metal music so she passes out. The owner then plays her something a bit lighter and tells her she can have it for free. Rich isn’t too happy about this and says he “never gives out free metal”. Rich then says it’s only because she’s got “those and that”, pointing at her breasts and vagina. This gets a rise out of Grace who storms off. The owner tells him he has advice for him, which turns out to be “Don’t be an ass hat and people will like you more”. Rich just grunts like a knobhead and walks out. He finds Grace sitting outside and sits with her. Grace tells him he “needs to be nicer to her” so Rich says she’s “never gonna like this CD” (what the fuck does that have to do with you being a prick?). Grace says she reckons that he couldn’t answer one question about ballet. Rich says it’s because “ballet is lame” and he “really couldn’t give a fuck”. Grace tells him that “Ballet is everything” to her just like metal is to him. She says she’s “trying to understand his way but he won’t let her”. Grace says she liked the melody and stuff in the music but the stuff Rich played her was just evil. Rich responds by saying ballet is just for gays and grannies. Grace gets frustrated with Rich and walks off. Rich and Alo drive around in the van and Alo asks if he’s going to ask out the girl. Rich doesn’t want to but eventually agrees because Alo keeps calling him gay. Rich goes into a pub and looks at a poster for Napalm Death. Someone approaches his table who turns out to be Grace in Metal gear. She plays a character called “Sub”. Sub asks about his friends and the girl who’s helping him. Rich says she’s alright but “let’s people walk all over her” and her “friend treat her like shit”. Sub says that maybe she knows her friends love her and Rich says maybe she “has no self respect”. Sub gets angry and says “No-one fucking knows her”, not even Mini and Liv. She breaks character and becomes Grace again and rips into Rich. Rich says this is how she should be and shouldn’t let him or anyone else put her down. Rich tells her to be angry and never compromise, her agreeing with his words. Grace goes full blown a metalhead and shouts along to the song, all the others rallying behind her. Rich and Grace stand in the middle of the road and she asks him what he’s going to do. Rich says he’s going to ask the girl out but seems somewhat unsure as Grace seems disappointed that he’s leaving.
Rich looks at his concert poster again and ponders asking the girl out as his dad cuts the grass. His dad reminds him that it’s his mother’s birthday the next day and gives him money to buy her a gift. Rich, being a pessimistic knob, says it’s pointless using money his dad has given him. His dad says he knows how he feels and that he just wanted to get away from his family when he was young too. Rich asks him “What went wrong?” as he makes his way towards Alo, who’s just pulled up outside. As his dad goes to tell him he loves him, Rich cuts across him and tells him “Don’t fucking say it”. Rich approaches the girl at the library, full of confidence, but she doesn’t even speak to him. That is until he asks her if she’d like to go for a drink with him and she tells him “No”. Rich starts to walk on but eventually turns around and asks her “Why not?”. She explains in a lot of words that I can’t be bothered to type but she basically says he’s unattractive. As a rather dejected Rich leaves the library, Grace joins him and says she’d fun the night before. She asks if he’d like to come to her ballet recital but he says he’s got his gig that night. She goes to ask if he’d like to some other time but he lashes out at her and she runs off. Alo, who watched all this from afar, takes Rich to the van for a talk. Alo asks him why he rejected a date with “one of the hottest girls in college”. Rich says she’s not hot and Alo says “Every other man would be balls deep”. Rich says he’s “not every other man”, Alo asking him what’s so special about him. Rich says it’s because he doesn’t compromise because he’s metal. He says if he went out with her he’d end up “body-popping to Lil Wayne” (that’s a pretty funny image). Rich takes out his poster and says that they don’t compromise and make beautiful music. Alo asks what he’d know and says he probably spent his life “masturbating on a bus or playing unlistenable music in Swansea”. Rich leaves, Alo shouting that he’s “Full of shit” (he ain’t wrong) and to “man the fuck up”. Rich makes his way to the record shop and hands over £500 for the record that is apparently too heavy to listen to. He then tells the owner he saw his copy of Heat and calls him a “fucking sellout”. Rich goes home and puts on his record. It’s so loud that Rich seems to be in some discomfort as he listens. He then turns it up like a fucking idiot and starts screaming. He takes off his headphones and his ears begin to ring. Rich starts clapping and snapping his fingers, but his hearing is damaged and the sounds are all muffled. He goes to a doctor, who checks him out and writes the words “You’ve gone deaf” on a sheet of paper. Rich asks what he should do now, the doctor telling him he must wait to see if it comes back. Rich takes his concert ticket and poster and rips them up. He then goes to Grace’s ballet recital and watches. Grace comes out and does her bit. He gets emotional as he watches her (you two spent like a day together...). Grace comes up to him after the show and he tells her he’s gone deaf. He tells her that her dancing was really beautiful. She types out asking about the gig but he tells her he tore up the tickets. She takes out two tickets and they go together. Rich tells her to be careful as they approach the crowd but Grace gets up on stage and hypes up the crowd. She then crowd surfs as Rich watches on.
Rich wakes up the following morning to his alarm and is delighted to find that his hearing is back. He gets a text from Grace saying that she had the best night ever and thanking him. He starts typing something to her but decides against it. After his shower, he looks for moisturiser but has run out. He goes out to his dad who gives him some. He then asks if he can ask him something and asks him how he asked his mother out. He tells him that if there’s a girl he likes that all he has to do is ask. He says that the worst that can happen is that she says no. He asks “What then?”, his dad telling him he either tries again or moves on. Rich walks off, calling his dad “Dad” as opposed to Kevin. As Rich walks into school, he runs into Alo, who asks if the Gay Convention has been in town and asks where he’s been. Rich goes to apologise but Alo stops him and says it’s cool. Franky approaches and slags then off and says that was like a conversation from Rain Man. Rich, who’s holding some flowers, asks if either of them have seen Grace and goes to her. He approaches Grace at the park and asks if he can talk to her. She asks about his hearing coming back and says that she’s meeting Mini in a minute so he’ll need to be quick. He tells her he had a good time the night before, Grace mentioning that things got “pretty close”. Rich goes to talk but the words won’t come out. Grace eventually says that it’s probably good that nothing happened between them and he unconvincingly agrees. She asks who the flowers are for, Rich saying they’re for his mother. Mini calls her and she tells Rich she has to go. She throws up a metal hand gesture as she walks away.
Again, that was actually an alright episode. I really like the dynamic between Rich and Alo but was kind of disappointed in the whole Rich and Grace romance angle. They are properly in each other’s company for like one day, Rich is nothing short of a complete dick to her and then he sees her dance once and he’s in love with her. It just feels too forced. I also don’t get why she’s interested in Rich or what she sees in him. Sure, he’s probably a decent guy on the inside, but he definitely doesn’t give a good account of himself throughout the episode. I thought Rich could be too much of a cliche at points, but maybe that was intentional. Nevertheless, he’s just too edgy to the point where it’s not natural like Effy and just feels forced. Some of the dialogue in this episode was pretty bad at times and some of the “comedic” moments were lacking in...you know...comedy, but it was a decent enough episode anyway. Important points include: - Continued animosity between Franky and Mini - Grace torn between Mini and Liv and Rich and Franky - Rich realising that he likes Grace and their relationship
So that was Rich’s episode. He definitely wasn’t the most likeable character I’ve seen, but his episode was decent enough apart from some rough patches.
Overall Rating: 7/10
submitted by Ezza16 to skinsTV [link] [comments]


2020.07.26 18:40 Bago26JJJulOly Fr-ee Ama-teur Submitted Po-rn

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https://preview.redd.it/h71gtsvfc8d51.jpg?width=299&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7af2db700c047ee4e2bf7b265a3ad52d2a98efb6
submitted by Bago26JJJulOly to u/Bago26JJJulOly [link] [comments]


2020.07.16 17:12 Dannysnot AITA for letting a 8 year friendship die?

So, context.
I(F) and said friend, let's call him Mark, met in our sophomore year of high school. We connected after a couple of months in the same class and became really good friends. There were only a couple of other girls in the class (it was a really small class) we took so being the testosterone filled boy Mark was he latched onto the idea of us being more than friends. I didn't date a lot in high school for reasons unknown until I was well out of high school (spoilers turns out I like the coochie instead of the dong, which i didnt fully figure out until 6 months ago) but decided to give it a try with him since we connected so well. After a couple of weeks I didn't feel comfortable in the relationship and broke it off.
We continued to be really good friends but he always made it known he had more than just friendship feelings for me. I didn't really understand my sexuality at the time and told him multiple times I wasn't ready for a relationship, it really had nothing to do with him I didn't want a relationship with anyone at the time, but he stayed my friend anyways. We went on a trip together, which I now know was a terrible idea because he brought me on the trip to ask me to be his gf. I told him i'm sorry but no I do not want a relationship and he was respectful but continued to make these comments about how much he was into me. After that I kind of isolated our friendship to only talking through text, never really meeting up in person because it always felt weird and one sided.
About maybe 2-3 years ago he straight up asked me if I thought I'd ever want to be with him and I told him no, in his words he wanted to know whether he should move on or not and I said yes please do. STILL after this conve was had he continued to make flirty comments. I never fed into them I always redirected or full on shot them down. I also never came out to him, I came out as bisexual but i've been struggling with a lot of internalized homophobia and im really just not ready.
I don't feel as if i've "lead" him on since we graduated which was almost 6 years ago, and at that time I didn't know/think I was leading him on. I legitimately thought if I could work my shit out maybe we had a chance. I was trying to work out why I was broken and couldn't handle a relationship with any of the guys I tried with, turns out I was just a giant lesbo trying to be straight.
During these last couple of months our talking died down alot, to the point where he hasn't tried to start a convo in over a month. I let it happen, I'm currently letting it happen because if he wants to let this go I understand fully. I feel our friendship has never been exactly healthy and no matter how much i don't want to lose him as a friend he'll never see me in just that light.
He really is one of the best friends i've ever had and I don't want to lose him but there doesn't seem to be many options at this point.
submitted by Dannysnot to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]


2020.06.21 03:11 RedditUsername3127 Brie Bella’s New Life (Fanfic)

https://images.app.goo.gl/Y6nxrwwGtxBnM8Q79
This story takes place immediately after the Bellas had their match at Hell in a Cell 2014, where Nikki beat Brie, forcing her to become her sister’s “personal assistant” for the month. She was under contract to do whatever Nikki wanted or she would be fired.
Brie dragged her pain riddled body up the entrance ramp, as she walked she couldn’t help but let out a few tears as she knew the worst was still yet to come. She went to her locker room in a daze, with only one thought on her mind. The next month was going to be hell, and she knew it. She faintly recognizes the looks of sympathy from the other WWE employees as she limps to her sister’s personal locker room, walking to her own demise.
She pulls the door open and is greeted to the sight of her sister standing with her hands on her hips and a smirk on her face, still wearing her ring gear. For a moment she can’t help but admire Nikki’s body, quickly realizing that there’s a barely a mark on her. She looks down at her body and takes in the bruises and welts. When she looks back up the dominant woman’s smirk has only grown in to a genuine smile, “Good, You’re here! Now take off all your clothes” orders Nikki, shocking her sister. She quietly does as told, growing increasingly nervous under the woman’s predatory gaze. She strips naked, feeling herself strip herself of her dignity along with her clothes, before placing them in a neat pile. “on your knees bitch!” Shouts Nikki, reveling in her control.
Brie drops to her knees as instructed, mentally preparing herself to do whatever degrading things her sister wants her to do. Whatever it takes to get through this month. Nikki raises her boot to her sisters face, “remove them” she commands, before feeling a pair of small hands untie her boots and gently pull them off. After setting them on the floor she hears a mocking laugh followed by her sister’s taunts, “settling into your new life rather quickly, huh sis?” Mocks Nikki.
“Yes” Brie meekly whispers, “what was that bitch!? Speak up. Tell me how much you love this Brie! Hahah”orders Nikki as Brie has no choice but to do as she’s told. “I love being your bitch! I love it!” Cries out the temp slave.
“Hahaha goooood. Now sniff my socks” mocks Nikki before whispering the last part seductively. She watches as her sisters eyes widen at the command before shoving her nose into the bottom of Nikki’s sweaty black socks and inhaling loudly, pulling both sweat into her nostrils and a laugh from the dominant woman’s lips. “Now pull them off with your teeth” says Nikki smiling down at the submissive woman. She does as she’s told, gently biting down on Nikki’s heel to get a grip on the sock. She begins to pull her soccer socks down as the taste of sweat fills her mouth. She nearly gags at the taste but she still manages to get enough separation between Nikki’s foot and the sock to give a second, sharper bite to the sock as she begins to pull it off the rest of the way before repeating the process on the other side.
“Lay on your back slave!” Yells the dominant woman, putting an extra emphasis on the word slave, angering Brie and causing her to let out in growl. She closes her eyes to compose herself before she feels Nikki’s completely sweat covered feet pressing down on her eyes. She hears a laugh as her sister begins bouncing on the balls of her feet, repeatedly pressing the slave into the locker room floor. She jumps off of her face, landing on the floor facing away from Brie’s body with a laugh, “hahahahaha that’s a lot of fun! I’ve always enjoyed seeing you humiliated, but literally having you as the ground is just so much fun!” Exclaims Nikki before turning around and placing her right foot over her sister’s mouth.
“Lick my feet!”
Brie swallows at the command, but sticks her tongue out none the less. She runs her tongue against the bottom of her sister’s foot as a dreamy smile appears on the fearless one’s face. The taste of her socks was bad, but this was a pure version of that. She gags once against her foot causing a startled laugh to emit from Nikki as she continued licking despite it. When Brie is certain she has licked all the sweat off her sisters foot she dips her toes down into her open mouth.
“Suck my toes little slave girl! Hahah” laughs Nikki, enjoying the utter submission of her sister. Brie sucks at her sister’s toes for the next 10 minutes, running her tongue in between her toes on accident every few minutes. When she lifted her foot away Brie felt all the sweat that had gotten stuck to her face, as even with the foot gone she is still forced to smell her feet. “On your knees Slut!” Orders the dominant woman, causing her sister to scramble to all fours before pushing herself up to her knees.
Her worst fears came to life as Nikki turned around and proceeded to pull down her ring trunks, revealing her big juicy ass in a red thong. “Kiss my ass Bitch!”, screams Nikki with a wide smile on her face, but her sister merely sisters there. Nikki’s smile turns to a scowl as she pulls her sister face first into her ass and returning the smile to her face. Brie is swallowed by her sisters large rear. Her ass becoming her whole world as it is all she can smell, taste, or see. Nikki pulls her face out by her hair before letting out a long sigh, “are you ready to kiss my ass now?! Or do you need more time to consider?” Mocks Nikki before bouncing her face off of her big bulbous ass.
Brie doesn’t say anything in response, merely falling forward and pressing her lips to her sisters ass cheek. “I want you to lay kisses on every inch of my ass!” Moans Nikki as she reaches into her purse and pulls out lipstick. She hands it to her sister, “put it on bitch!” Yells the dominant Bella as her sister commit herself to her humiliation. She kisses her ass for nearly 20 minutes, leaving her ass completely red with lipstick.
Nikki looks at her ass and begins laughing, “It seems like you really enjoyed yourself. Hahaha Well maybe a little too much, you made a mess all over my ass. What do you think you’re punishment should be slave?” Says Nikki condescendingly mocking her sister. “Please don’t punish me” is the quiet response she receives. “Hahaha Well I think you should clean my ass! Do you think you can do that? Lick all the lipstick off my ass? Well you better get to it!” Says Nikki as she pulls her sister back in towards her massive cheeks. Brie licks all the sweat and lipstick off her sister’s ass, providing a strange taste, one mixed with her sister’s ass, sweat, and cherry lipstick. To her frustration the lipstick her sister gave her wasn’t coming off with a single lick, each mark took several minutes, leaving her on her knees licking her sister’s ass for nearly a half hour.
“Good girl! How did my ass taste bitch?” Asks Nikki mockingly as Brie looks down in shame. “It tastes really good, I love the taste of your ass mistress” says Brie, pleasing her sister as she sees a smirk spread across her twins features. “ On your back bitch” orders Nikki suddenly. After a moment Brie does as told, laying motionless on her back. Her eyes widen as Nikki removes her top, followed by her bra, allowing her big beautiful mounds to fall a half an inch. Brie looks on mesmerized by her sisters flawless breasts as she is suddenly straddled. Nikki leans forward, dropping her bare breasts on her sisters face, smothering her in her massive chest pillows. The submissive woman lays motionless for the first 30 seconds but soon begins to panic as the need for oxygen drives her to desperation.
Nikki lifts her tits off her face, allowing them to hang a few centimeters over her sisters mouth and nose, silently threatening to once again cut off air supply. “You’re going to worship my tits sis! Aren’t you excited!?” Mocks Nikki. Brie remains silent but Nikki waits patiently, staring down at her sister menacingly. “I can’t wait to worship your boobs Nikki. They’ve always been better than mine, even before the implants. I’ve always been so jealous of them, so ... it means so much to be able to *gulps worship them,... words don’t explain how excited I am” begs Brie pathetically.
“Well then get to it slut!” Orders Nikki as she drops her right nipple into her sisters mouth. She sucks obediently and flicks her tongue against the stiff nipple in her mouth. “Mmmmm you’re pretty good at this Brie! This is definitely gonna be a daily occurrence!” Exclaims the dominant sister, before pulling her nipple out and forcing her face back into her cleavage. She presses her breasts together with her elbows and biceps as she dominates her sister. “Lick”. It’s all Nikki needs to say as Brie runs her tongue up her sisters cleavage. She licks every inch of her breasts just as she did her ass, slowly and with care and attention.
Brie is pulled out of the large breasts as Nikki rises to her feet. Her sister remains on the floor, gasping for air like a dying fish, as the smiling woman walks over to her purse and pulls out a dog collar. “Crawl to me bitch girl!” Orders the fearless one, smirking as she watches sister submissively crawl.
As Nikki fastens the collar around her neck she continues taunting the broken woman, “you always were such a slut! Too bad I was always hotter than you! I stole your prom date, homecoming, even your first boyfriend! You had to go find someone who literally gets compared to a goat just to have the guarantee that I wouldn’t fuck your boyfriend!” Laughs Nikki cruelly, immediately followed by her stepping on the back of Brie head and pushing her to the floor. She grabs a marker out of her purse and a leash, she attaches the leash to the collar before drawing an arrow on her sister’s lower back, pointing down to her ass with, “Insert Here” written at the top of the arrow.
“You always wanted to fuck mine for payback but you were just too boring! You’re only personality trait is getting drunk and yelling Brie Mode! Well now I’m going to help you advertise! Cause I’m a good sister!” Exclaims Nikki before kicking her in the ribs, sending her down to her back. As soon as she lands Brie is motionless, she lies on her back as Nikki drops down and writes “Slut” across her chest. Nikki writes something else but Brie can’t see it. It starts at her abs and finishes on her waist line. Nikki then stands up and proudly wipes claps her hands together. Brie feels tears leak from her eyes as she looks down and sees the words “warning overused” with a small arrow pointing down to her vagina.
Brie is blinded by her tears as Nikki pulls her by the leash, walking submissively behind her as they walk through the back stage area, Brie only faintly aware of the few sympathetic glances around her, much more so of the lusty gaze of everyone else, as she and her sister are both completely naked. They step outside and go to the parking lot where Nikki’s car is parked. Brie is surprised to see all of Her and her sister’s suit cases stuffed into the trunk as she takes a glance through the window while her sister pulls her to her feet.
The driver door is opened as Nikki smirks at her sister. “Get on your knees in the car. Put your legs under the seat and rest tour head back on the car seat.” Nikki tells her calmly. Realizing what Nikki plans to do Brie is hesitant, although she tentatively gets in the car. Nikki then drops her bare ass onto her sisters face and starts the car for the drive to the hotel. She shakes her hips while driving, taking in the sensation of her twin buried in her ass with a dreamy smile, laughing each time Brie screams as they go over a bump and Nikki’s mountainous round ass crashes down on her nose. Once they pull into the hotel parking lot, Nikki gets out of the car to see her sister unconscious.
She momentarily ponders the best way to wake up her tormented sister. Nikki suddenly jumps back into the car, dropping her ass onto her sisters face before releasing a loud fart into her sisters face. The smell immediately wakes her up as she begins screaming into the bountiful ass of her sister, but every sound is swallowed by the tender pillows. “Hahahahaha Good girl!” Yells Nikki as she steps out onto the street. Brie gulps for air in between dry heaves. When she finally settles down she is pulled out onto the street. “Here’s what’s going to happen bitch! I’m going to walk to my hotel room and get a good nights sleep. While I do that you will be licking my asshole. Do you understand? You will put your hands on my hips and your face in my ass and you will hold yourself there as you lick my shit pipe! Once we get to the room, I will allow you to release yourself from my ass and you may sleep on the floor. Again, do you understand bitch?” Says Nikki, calmly mocking her sister.
Brie sticks her face in her sisters and sends a tentative lick to the woman’s rear end. She has to flex her arms in order to keep herself in her ass as Nikki walks through the hotel. Brie sends her tongue as far into her asshole as she can, tasting her dirty ass juice and old sweat, she continues to lick dutifully. Nikki lets out another fart as they walk through the door to the hotel room. Brie coughs into her ass as she pulls out roughly by her hair. “You did such a great job on my ass Brie! I think you deserve a reward. Lay down on the bed” orders Nikki. Brie does as she’s told and can’t help but let herself wonder what kind of reward she would receive.
“What better reward is there than my tight beautiful pussy?” Says Nikki as she places her thighs on her sisters shoulders and slowly lowers her snatch down to Brie’s mouth. She lets out a moan as she begins sliding her glistening folds up and down the bridge of her sisters nose. “Lick me bitch!” Orders Nikki cruelly as Brie submits herself to her sister. Licking her pussy and tasting her arousal brings Brie to a new low, as she realizes that likes it. She licks fiercely as her juices continued to flow into her mouth. “Good little lesbo slut!” Moans our Nikki as she grinds her Pussy into her sister’s mouth and nose. She comes with a loud cry, coating Brie in her cum despite her best efforts to swallow as much as she could. Nikki takes a deep breath as she rises off of her sister face and gets into bed to go to sleep. Brie takes her left hand to her face and gathers as much cum as she can and begins to passionately lick and sniff her hand with her eyes closed, as she furiously fingered herself with her right hand. She bites down on her lip to stay quiet as she cums while sniffing her sisters pussy juices. She takes one last look at her sister before rolling up on the floor and going to sleep. Her last thought before being overwhelmed by exhaustion is that maybe this month won’t be so bad.
submitted by RedditUsername3127 to WrestlingHumiliation [link] [comments]


2020.06.14 00:21 yourpalnicolas73 There's A Gay Man Living Downstairs.

This is an interesting story. I’ve told it before, in various places, and I get a pretty good reception. I figured I should share this interesting tale with you. This story is a little disjointed but altogether it should make for an interesting recounting of the events that have taken place so far. This story is a bit risqué, I should mention.
The guy downstairs is gay. He has a guy over nearly every other night. I figured that with the quarantine he might have less guys over, but it seems he has just as many guys over as ever. I dunno how many guys he has over, the number ranges between two to seven. Somewhere in that range. They usually come over late at night.
How it goes is, a guy will come in in some fancy car, blasting music, he’ll park. Oftentimes I see the headlights of these cars, they’re a familiar sight as they turn into the vine-laden driveway. They park between the two derelict brick garages- the juxtaposition of these fly trendsetters with the archaic architecture is not lost on me, rest assured- and then they’ll get out, saunter through the gate, and down his stairs. It’s a fascinating occurrence, and these nocturnal flings have become a regular activity. I don’t know exactly what the first time was that he invited a guy over. It may have been ever since he moved in. These guys are usually of a similar build as him, very muscular and good looking, in their 30s. I have no idea where he finds these guys, in clubs or dating apps or what, but the arrival of a new paramour is as inevitable as a drop of rainwater in a bucket or the ticking of a clock- the guys just keep on coming.
He went to the trouble of soundproofing his ceiling. To drown out the noises of their passionate lovemaking, he plays the loudest music he possibly can, but it’s muffled by the ceiling. He’s very considerate like that, and it isn’t a nuisance whatsoever. As Paul Simon noted, “one man’s ceiling is another man’s floor”. It seems this gay fellow has taken that adage into account. He did a great job of it. I can barely even hear the music, much less the noises of them going down on each other. I dunno if that would even be very noisy, but who knows.
I must assume that with all these goings on down there he must be some kind of celebrity in the local circles, a stylish rogue with the party apartment. I sometimes think about all the gay guys talking about what a player he is, what a good time he showed them, etc. I wonder what his reputation is in the scene. It must be pretty good. I don’t know if he goes out much. I assume he probably does, maybe goes and gets a drink, maybe a button-down shirt with the buttons open so everyone can admire his musculature. I seriously doubt he’d attract so many guys if he stayed home all the time. Keep in mind, I’m talking pre-Covid. While guys still come over, he seems depressed somewhat. I can only assume he went to visit his guys sometimes also. And perhaps there were times when more than two of them were in the same room together, all going at it. I don’t know, what I see of him is scarce, but I do believe he leaves frequently. Maybe his apartment pad is nothing special, maybe it’s a carbon-copy of every other pad out there. I think, though, that it has a kind of repertoire among the community as the ultimate place to go when you want a good time. I don’t mean to say he’s a prostitute, or anything of that sort. I genuinely think he just wants to have at it with quite a few guys. Not an unhealthy amount of guys, but enough for variety. And that he does.
He’s been kinda sulky since the quarantine began. He sits out on his steps for hours at a time, walks around, etc. he’s probably going stir crazy. He must want some guys over. It seems most of these visits happened at night. But sometimes during the day. It’s been very common for me to walk in and notice some guy with a beard or whatnot standing down near the entrance to his lair, staring off into the distance or smoking. I can only assume this is the epilogue to a wild and crazy night of hijinks. Like I said, the guy downstairs is pretty voracious. I see lots of gay couples that are less polyamorous. I assume this guy is really into having the lower apartment, which is about halfway submerged below the Earth. It feels like a real party atmosphere. If it was the upper floor, they couldn’t bump around so much, but in the lower apartment, they can get down and dirty. No pun intended, of course.
In these affairs there is something of the knave who goes around, lustful and eager, always craving more. This microbial paranoia has put a real damper on his fun. The music has died down, the sound dampers are useless, and gone are the days of the sidewalk saunter to and fro, in and out, in a wide connected web of men. It seems that today the guy downstairs leads a solitary existence down there in his party room. He renovated it just so, to his tastes. He put small potted plants outside, he curtained the windows, He added a little screen near the door to avoid prying eyes. All this effort and time spent converting what was an average lower floor to a severely enticing and tempting room of passion- and this has put a stop to his plans. I wonder what he does in his spare time now that he can’t smooch anymore. I must be like torture to know that there are hundreds of big hunky men out there, but he can’t get any.
This is another interesting thing which happened. One night I noticed two ladies go down there along with a guy, and I wondered what that was all about, since the guy downstairs is almost certainly gay, he’s not bi. Then I realized they were probably lesbians. I figured it was a Homosexual double date of sorts. One of the women had glasses on, short bobbed hair, that sort of thing. Surely they were lesbians. The way they walked in unison, stayed together. I figured this sort of thing was pretty wholesome, two guys and two gals, double the same sex couples. That was a reasonable explanation, Lance didn’t discriminate with his party room, he let the Lesbos have a lot of fun also. I knew they must have been because the guy downstairs holds absolutely no interest in women. I assume lesbos are allowed in, but not straight fellas, which makes some sense. That might put a damper on the fun, especially if the straight fellas are homophobic. I assume they all had a jolly time down there, the Lesbian chicks and the Gay fellas. Very wholesome occurrence.
The other thing which happened with this fella was, I was out watering the plants, which I do regularly, once per day. Anyway, the guy was out there sunbathing, wearing almost nothing, lying on some sort of foldable cot, and what’s more, his massive bulge was fully visible. I didn’t notice him there until I was about two feet away, and it was a real shock. I assume he was also highly disturbed. I hope he was able to go on sunbathing. The rays are good this time of year. I dunno how I didn’t notice he was there. I guess he was being very quiet, relaxing and chilling, and here I came up with my big clunky watering can and ruined his vibes. I assume he was trying to get a tan with which he could attract some more big hunky men. From the brief glimpse I got of his musculature, he works out. Lots of muscles, but not so much that he’s tense.
His soundtrack on his loud music machine ranges from vibrant rock and roll to semi-acceptable dubstep to hardcore guitar. Many of these songs are nearly inaudible, they rise from the depths like murmurs in the night and fade away just as quickly, they fade from memory and from mind. But when the music is playing, one thing is for certain: He’s having a fun time, and there’s one or two guys down there with him, and possibly some lesbians also. I often wonder what his reputation is, as I said. To the best of my knowledge he enjoys having it out indoors. There’s a local park with an incredible Homosexual population and they all go at it under the pine trees, and from time to time condoms are found. This is barely even a rumor. I found a condom once. Most fellows know that if you’re gay, the park is the place to be, for a nice night under the stars with not much light pollution and a near zero chance of anyone finding you. Recently, though, a curfew has been put on the park, saying that nobody’s allowed in the park after 10 P.M. I find this a grave injustice, as no other parks in the city have this obscene rule. It seems like blatant discrimination just because the park is surrounded by a gay population. Who’s to say straight people don’t make out in the other parks? If someone with no interest in sodomy such as myself wants to have a pleasant walk in the park at night, it’s made illegal. And for the gay fellas who just want to have a jolly romp, this act is made criminal by some very homophobic restriction. So long as the fellas do it under the pine trees in relative darkness so nobody can see them, and they remove the condoms, I dunno what’s so bad about it. The park was an icon of sorts for gay fellows, with its Grecian architecture and marble villas, it was very conducive to a fling. It gave the city some personality, some atmosphere, to know that on any given night there could be Gay fellas making out in the dirt and crisp pine needles. Now with the curfew on the park any hopes a couple might have had of partaking in this age-old tradition have been lost.
I think often about this fella. His attire is good and he clearly knows what he’s doing when it comes to forming a healthy relationship. And not only does he manage to be polyamorous, he manages to keep all these guys. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a squabble down there. They may have had some quarrels, but if they did it would be drowned out by the loud music. I think whatever they do, it must not require any talking.
I dunno much about the scene as I’m not gay, but I figure he must get mentioned a lot among his comrades as someone who really knows how to throw a fun time. A jolly romp, a cavalcade of ecstasy. He’s a real romantic. What with the sheer amount of guys who visit him and how much they seem into it, I must assume the floor below be is a mythic location amongst the local crowd. I may be wrong, but I assume it’s right. And this guy is serious about it. I have no idea how much paraphernalia he has laying around down there, but he must have a lot. There must be something alluring about him that drives hordes of men down to his passion pit.
Anyhoo, this is just an interesting story which I feel ought to be told, because if I don’t tell it, I doubt anyone would. There’s a gay guy living downstairs.
submitted by yourpalnicolas73 to ainbow [link] [comments]


2020.06.13 23:51 yourpalnicolas73 A Gay Man Lives Downstairs.

This is an interesting story. I’ve told it before, in various places, and I get a pretty good reception. I figured I should share this interesting tale with you. This story is a little disjointed but altogether it should make for an interesting recounting of the events that have taken place so far. This story is a bit risqué, I should mention.
The guy downstairs is gay. He has a guy over nearly every other night. I figured that with the quarantine he might have less guys over, but it seems he has just as many guys over as ever. I dunno how many guys he has over, the number ranges between two to seven. Somewhere in that range. They usually come over late at night.
How it goes is, a guy will come in in some fancy car, blasting music, he’ll park. Oftentimes I see the headlights of these cars, they’re a familiar sight as they turn into the vine-laden driveway. They park between the two derelict brick garages- the juxtaposition of these fly trendsetters with the archaic architecture is not lost on me, rest assured- and then they’ll get out, saunter through the gate, and down his stairs. It’s a fascinating occurrence, and these nocturnal flings have become a regular activity. I don’t know exactly what the first time was that he invited a guy over. It may have been ever since he moved in. These guys are usually of a similar build as him, very muscular and good looking, in their 30s. I have no idea where he finds these guys, in clubs or dating apps or what, but the arrival of a new paramour is as inevitable as a drop of rainwater in a bucket or the ticking of a clock- the guys just keep on coming.
He went to the trouble of soundproofing his ceiling. To drown out the noises of their passionate lovemaking, he plays the loudest music he possibly can, but it’s muffled by the ceiling. He’s very considerate like that, and it isn’t a nuisance whatsoever. As Paul Simon noted, “one man’s ceiling is another man’s floor”. It seems this gay fellow has taken that adage into account. He did a great job of it. I can barely even hear the music, much less the noises of them going down on each other. I dunno if that would even be very noisy, but who knows.
I must assume that with all these goings on down there he must be some kind of celebrity in the local circles, a stylish rogue with the party apartment. I sometimes think about all the gay guys talking about what a player he is, what a good time he showed them, etc. I wonder what his reputation is in the scene. It must be pretty good. I don’t know if he goes out much. I assume he probably does, maybe goes and gets a drink, maybe a button-down shirt with the buttons open so everyone can admire his musculature. I seriously doubt he’d attract so many guys if he stayed home all the time. Keep in mind, I’m talking pre-Covid. While guys still come over, he seems depressed somewhat. I can only assume he went to visit his guys sometimes also. And perhaps there were times when more than two of them were in the same room together, all going at it. I don’t know, what I see of him is scarce, but I do believe he leaves frequently. Maybe his apartment pad is nothing special, maybe it’s a carbon-copy of every other pad out there. I think, though, that it has a kind of repertoire among the community as the ultimate place to go when you want a good time. I don’t mean to say he’s a prostitute, or anything of that sort. I genuinely think he just wants to have at it with quite a few guys. Not an unhealthy amount of guys, but enough for variety. And that he does.
He’s been kinda sulky since the quarantine began. He sits out on his steps for hours at a time, walks around, etc. he’s probably going stir crazy. He must want some guys over. It seems most of these visits happened at night. But sometimes during the day. It’s been very common for me to walk in and notice some guy with a beard or whatnot standing down near the entrance to his lair, staring off into the distance or smoking. I can only assume this is the epilogue to a wild and crazy night of hijinks. Like I said, the guy downstairs is pretty voracious. I see lots of gay couples that are less polyamorous. I assume this guy is really into having the lower apartment, which is about halfway submerged below the Earth. It feels like a real party atmosphere. If it was the upper floor, they couldn’t bump around so much, but in the lower apartment, they can get down and dirty. No pun intended, of course.
In these affairs there is something of the knave who goes around, lustful and eager, always craving more. This microbial paranoia has put a real damper on his fun. The music has died down, the sound dampers are useless, and gone are the days of the sidewalk saunter to and fro, in and out, in a wide connected web of men. It seems that today the guy downstairs leads a solitary existence down there in his party room. He renovated it just so, to his tastes. He put small potted plants outside, he curtained the windows, He added a little screen near the door to avoid prying eyes. All this effort and time spent converting what was an average lower floor to a severely enticing and tempting room of passion- and this has put a stop to his plans. I wonder what he does in his spare time now that he can’t smooch anymore. I must be like torture to know that there are hundreds of big hunky men out there, but he can’t get any.
This is another interesting thing which happened. One night I noticed two ladies go down there along with a guy, and I wondered what that was all about, since the guy downstairs is almost certainly gay, he’s not bi. Then I realized they were probably lesbians. I figured it was a Homosexual double date of sorts. One of the women had glasses on, short bobbed hair, that sort of thing. Surely they were lesbians. The way they walked in unison, stayed together. I figured this sort of thing was pretty wholesome, two guys and two gals, double the same sex couples. That was a reasonable explanation, Lance didn’t discriminate with his party room, he let the Lesbos have a lot of fun also. I knew they must have been because the guy downstairs holds absolutely no interest in women. I assume lesbos are allowed in, but not straight fellas, which makes some sense. That might put a damper on the fun, especially if the straight fellas are homophobic. I assume they all had a jolly time down there, the Lesbian chicks and the Gay fellas. Very wholesome occurrence.
The other thing which happened with this fella was, I was out watering the plants, which I do regularly, once per day. Anyway, the guy was out there sunbathing, wearing almost nothing, lying on some sort of foldable cot, and what’s more, his massive bulge was fully visible. I didn’t notice him there until I was about two feet away, and it was a real shock. I assume he was also highly disturbed. I hope he was able to go on sunbathing. The rays are good this time of year. I dunno how I didn’t notice he was there. I guess he was being very quiet, relaxing and chilling, and here I came up with my big clunky watering can and ruined his vibes. I assume he was trying to get a tan with which he could attract some more big hunky men. From the brief glimpse I got of his musculature, he works out. Lots of muscles, but not so much that he’s tense.
His soundtrack on his loud music machine ranges from vibrant rock and roll to semi-acceptable dubstep to hardcore guitar. Many of these songs are nearly inaudible, they rise from the depths like murmurs in the night and fade away just as quickly, they fade from memory and from mind. But when the music is playing, one thing is for certain: He’s having a fun time, and there’s one or two guys down there with him, and possibly some lesbians also. I often wonder what his reputation is, as I said. To the best of my knowledge he enjoys having it out indoors. There’s a local park with an incredible Homosexual population and they all go at it under the pine trees, and from time to time condoms are found. This is barely even a rumor. I found a condom once. Most fellows know that if you’re gay, the park is the place to be, for a nice night under the stars with not much light pollution and a near zero chance of anyone finding you. Recently, though, a curfew has been put on the park, saying that nobody’s allowed in the park after 10 P.M. I find this a grave injustice, as no other parks in the city have this obscene rule. It seems like blatant discrimination just because the park is surrounded by a gay population. Who’s to say straight people don’t make out in the other parks? If someone with no interest in sodomy such as myself wants to have a pleasant walk in the park at night, it’s made illegal. And for the gay fellas who just want to have a jolly romp, this act is made criminal by some very homophobic restriction. So long as the fellas do it under the pine trees in relative darkness so nobody can see them, and they remove the condoms, I dunno what’s so bad about it. The park was an icon of sorts for gay fellows, with its Grecian architecture and marble villas, it was very conducive to a fling. It gave the city some personality, some atmosphere, to know that on any given night there could be Gay fellas making out in the dirt and crisp pine needles. Now with the curfew on the park any hopes a couple might have had of partaking in this age-old tradition have been lost.
I think often about this fella. His attire is good and he clearly knows what he’s doing when it comes to forming a healthy relationship. And not only does he manage to be polyamorous, he manages to keep all these guys. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a squabble down there. They may have had some quarrels, but if they did it would be drowned out by the loud music. I think whatever they do, it must not require any talking.
I dunno much about the scene as I’m not gay, but I figure he must get mentioned a lot among his comrades as someone who really knows how to throw a fun time. A jolly romp, a cavalcade of ecstasy. He’s a real romantic. What with the sheer amount of guys who visit him and how much they seem into it, I must assume the floor below be is a mythic location amongst the local crowd. I may be wrong, but I assume it’s right. And this guy is serious about it. I have no idea how much paraphernalia he has laying around down there, but he must have a lot. There must be something alluring about him that drives hordes of men down to his passion pit.
Anyhoo, this is just an interesting story which I feel ought to be told, because if I don’t tell it, I doubt anyone would. There’s a gay guy living downstairs.
submitted by yourpalnicolas73 to GayMen [link] [comments]


2020.05.23 15:15 lseactuary Is My Friend A Closet Straight?

Posting on behalf of my friend in order to help him out (I am clear I am gay). We spoke about this on a few calls so am summarising below, and am keen to help him, but don't know how. His background is as follows.
Childhood: No male presence in his life (no father, no brother). 1 female friend, pulled apart his parents, struggled to make new friends as 'groups' had been made and he was not good in sports (had medical issues so couldn't run etc as much as other boys). No crushes. Noticed a teachers boobs once, didn't know what to think of it. Remembers removing barbies clothes (that his cousin had when they used to go over to hang out) and sucking her tits at some point. Closer to his cousins (female) as the parents used to regularly meet.
Early Teens: Had very late puberty. Minimal friends. Generally very academic and 'unmanly' (high pitch voice, short, scrawny) but didn't have a low opinion of himself - just didn't know what was going to happen so the cluelessness helped in a way.
High School Teens: Made a few male friends. Grew apart over time / not still in touch. 0 sexual attraction to anyone in person (male or female or friends). Did not learn about masturbation till 15. Googled, came across a guy wanking from a gay website (and remained 'loyal' to the website), copied, enjoyed ever since. Porn grew but very much amateur stuff like 'his first gay sex'. Then straight porn. Tended to stick to vanilla stuff nothing fancy. He remembers sticking to a few men and what they were doing / how their body was was more interesting to him vs them actually.
College: Made a few male friends. Grew apart over time / not still in touch. 0 sexual attraction to anyone in person. Started practicing 'sex' with a vagina made from a rubber glove, rubber band and towel he found on YouTube. New issues commenced which took up a lot of his time.
University: Struggled to make friends in general (very academic institution). Main uni friend was female but was not deep. No sexual attraction to anyone. Medical situation took up a lot of time. Mobile now purchased and entered the online world more. Messaged guys online through Manhunt and Grindr but never met. Did some cam (no face) wanking while a guy watched (no really interested in watching others). Brought a fleshlight (vagina) and started using that. Gym started as he grew body conscious.
Post-university: All medical issues resolved. Full puberty completed (taller, hair, deep 'straight' voice etc). Looked for a female escort to loose virginity to but said they were expensive at that time and not replying nicely. Virginity lost to a male escort he liked the look of and was patient/replying nicely. Says he has no regrets and just wanted to get on with it given he has his life back. Brought a 'ass' fleshlight. Rarely uses it and prefers the vagina one. Says he always imagines a woman while using it but no specific face more the body.
Work - now (about 8 years): Grindr starts. A whole load of hookups with guys from various countries (he travelled for work). He says he is not interested in penis' at all. He doesn't suck. He says he tried 3 times in 8 years and didn't enjoy it and feels no urge also. He is also top only and has never bottomed or felt any urge to bottom. He says he never slept with the same guy more than twice, and about 95% never even make it there. He made one gay friend post-hookup (didn't feel sexually for him anymore, but liked him as a friend) which lasted ~4 years before that also fizzled away (from the other friends side). He says he doesn't seem to connect with the gay men beyond sex which could also be causing an issue in actually having a relationship. He says he tried other apps like Tinder and dating websites but never dated anyone.
He says a few times he has spoken to guys on muscle forums or similar about bodybuilding/fitness (which he is into) and when they talk about 'smashing birds' etc he gets interested. He says he has been tempted to go to a strip club / amsterdam red district etc but is nervous as he has never been with a woman. He says he found some websites with women more affordable (after speaking to a bisexual escort who pointed him to this) so is tempted to try. He is worried he may like it and swap over. He says he tried finding women on apps (like Tinder) but its difficult to find a 'fit woman' vs 'fit man' to hookup with (and given he is fit, he finds the body important). He says men on Grindr are much 'easier' to get and available so he just continued.
He has been to various therapists over the years - sex therapist, CBT, LGBT counsellors, physcotherapist, relationship coach etc - everyone say he is fine/normal, never diagnosed with any mental condition, so he is confused what to do.
One theory is that because his lack of straight friends, the environment sort of 'made him gay'. He thinks sometimes if he had a male influence (e.g. friends or similar) who would talk about women and show him the ropes (i.e. how to date, etc) then he probably would have gone down that path. Now he is basically starting from scratch so is scared and doesn't know where to start if he wants to be straight. He says he is more stimulated with straight porn but watches gay and straight porn. He says he is not into lesbo porn (as he says 'nothing is happening' lol) which most straight guys claim to be into so thinks he is not straight for this reason. If this theory is true he is concerned because (according to his bisexual friend) most of the 'fit' women he would consider sleeping with are escorts.
Another theory is he is deeply closeted inside as a gay. That said, when I meet him, I don't feel this - he is quite open about who he sleeps with etc and seems quite open for friendships / relationships - just seems like things are kinda not working out for him.
Any advice is welcome as I am totally confused myself what to advise him.
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2020.05.14 21:15 eros_bittersweet [The Other Woman] Part 11

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Part 11

Autumn was speechless. She stared at June as though she were immobilized. Blinking back the last of her tears, she raised her hand to her face as slowly as though she were sleepwalking, then wiped away the remaining traces of her crying.
June’s hands still rested on Autumn’s shoulders. Their weight seemed heavier the longer they stood. Perhaps Autumn’s guilt over what she’d done to the woman increased their perceived burden. But June’s blue eyes were gazing at Autumn tenderly, her dark brows knit together not in anger, but in concern.
“So what if the people at work know that I posed for some reference photos with you?” June asked, rubbing Autumn’s arm comfortingly. “Is that a crime or something?”
No, of course it wasn’t. But evidence of them hanging out together in their underwear was not exactly something Autumn should have been presenting at work, not if she wanted to appear professional. All of this should have been completely obvious, yet Autumn found she couldn’t voice what exactly she was so embarrassed about, which was the implication that something else was going on between them, a something-else for which nudity and close proximity were givens.
“Besides, if we’re keeping score or something, I still fucked you over way worse than whatever this was,” said June wryly. “I mean, the fact that you made a sexy drawing of me and showed it to people, even as a prank, almost seems like a compliment.”
“June,” Autumn protested, her face contorting in distress at the thought. “I wouldn’t ever do that to you. I wouldn’t make fun of you like that.”
“I know,” said June with a sigh. “Because I’m an asshole who thinks of the worst possible intention someone might have, and you’re literally an angel. Sweetie, of course you wouldn’t do that.”
Autumn hadn’t expected easy forgiveness and she found it almost humiliating that it was being offered. And it wounded her, that June thought Autumn might have lured her into posing semi-naked as a practical joke yet been willing to forgive her anyway. Now that she reflected on it, of course it seemed like a practical joke, and would have seemed that way to any reasonable person. How had she been so blind to what she was doing?
“I was so stupid,” Autumn said angrily. “And selfish, because I didn’t even think about how it would come across, using you like that – “
“You’re not selfish. Or stupid. And come on – you didn’t use me. Not at all.”
Autumn sighed. She started to protest that if it’d occurred to June they might be recognized by her co-workers, it certainly should have occurred to her, the woman who worked in advertising, who was supposed to be an expert on how things would be perceived by others. But somehow the distraction of June’s fingers, now gently stroking the back of her neck, circumvented her brain’s thought processes until there was no possibility of speaking left – not with that soft current of electricity running through her entire body.
“Sweetheart,” said June, flicking Autumn’s hair over her shoulder, then smoothing her hand down her back until the nape of Autumn’s neck thrilled with pleasure. “You are so tired right now. You’re not thinking straight – “
Autumn winced at that choice phrase.
“What?” said June. “You have time for a nap, right? Before you go to pick up Amber from daycare?”
“I have to be there at five sharp.”
“Then you still have time for a good power-nap,” said June, jostling her elbow playfully, at which Autumn couldn’t help but smile. “Two hours and fifteen minutes if you can get right out of bed in a hurry. Bet you’ll feel a hundred times better.”
Autumn agreed. “I’m just disappointed in myself,” she admitted. “And since I apparently can’t think through the implications anything before I do it lately, I kind of wish you’d said something to me if the thought crossed your mind.”
June made a face, avoiding eye-contact.
“I could see how it was,” she said. “You were so stressed out, and most of it was because of me being a burden on you in the past few days. If I said no to you, you would’ve been screwed for your presentation.”
“That doesn’t mean –“
“We’re talking in circles,” June interrupted, slipping her hand into Autumn’s. “Hey*.* Let’s talk after you have a nap, maybe later tonight. What do you say?”
Autumn reluctantly agreed. June beamed, then towed her by the arm through her own bedroom and into the ensuite bathroom. Autumn wasn’t certain of what she was doing, but a small flicker of excitement raced through her body that June had deemed it necessary to guide Autumn through the requisite preparations for taking an afternoon nap. She’d never been babied like this before – not by anyone. It was more than a little charming.
Once in the bathroom, June reached for a washcloth which she dampened under cool water. Then she dabbed at Autumn’s tear-stained face tenderly, as though she were a caring mother comforting a child after a nasty spill from a bicycle. Autumn couldn’t help but laugh at her over-the-top ministrations. Certainly, she could’ve managed to wash her own face before going to bed.
“June,” she said, smiling again despite her distress. She took the cloth from June’s hands and pressed it against her eyes, the damp cloth tingling against her overheated eyelids. “What are you doing?”
June wrapped an arm around Autumn’s shoulders. When Autumn lowered the washcloth to look at their reflections, June was grinning at her in the mirror.
“Making you feel better,” she said, her eyes brightening at the sight of Autumn’s smile. “At least I got a laugh out of you – “
“You’re really not mad at me,” repeated Autumn in disbelief. “Like, not even a little bit.”
June’s eyes were clear; her face free of malice.
“I’m really not,” she said. Taking the cloth from Autumn’s hands, she rinsed it again, then wrung it out and dabbed at Autumn’s forehead. She was standing so close that June could see the darker blue tinge ringing the pale shade of her irises; a few faint pockmarked scars on her forehead, a divot that appeared to have been left by a nose ring, the piercing all-but healed over now. She’d had one in her Instagram photos a few years ago, Autumn recalled, which hadn’t appeared in her photos since she’d started seeing Derek.
June blotted Autumn’s cheeks with the washcloth, then tilted her chin upwards and patted at her throat, which felt heavenly. Autumn’s skin prickled from her ears to her fingertips at the soft swipes of the cloth against her neck. “You, of all people, wouldn’t want to do something that embarrassed yourself at work. I don’t know you well, but I know that much about you.”
Autumn had to admit this was true.
“You’re so hard on yourself,” said June, lowering the cloth and caressing Autumn’s shoulder in her fingertips. “You made a mistake. I don’t even know how it was a mistake, because the presentation seems to have gone fine, no one was mad at you, I’m not mad at you, and you’re the only one who’s mad at yourself for some reason.”
Autumn shook her head.
“I just hate people talking about me, about my personal life,” she said, her voice hoarse from crying. “They were saying – “
“Saying what?” June made a silly face right next to Autumn’s head, her eyes dancing. “Lemme guess - that we’re a couple of lesbos?”
Autumn’s face flushed hot. She didn’t return June’s mirthful expression. She stared at June, eyes wide in fear, almost too afraid to breathe.
“How could they think that?” said June mockingly, arching an eyebrow. “it’s not like we took pictures of us half-naked together or anything.”
Autumn’s heart was pounding so hard it thrummed in her ears. She dropped her eyes to the ground and gripped the edge of the countertop with her fingertips.
“Sweetie,” June was saying, her voice distant against the roaring in Autumn’s head. “You know I’m just teasing you, right?”
Autumn couldn’t stand it – couldn’t stand June teasing her about this, about the thing that people were, indeed, assuming about the two of them. She gripped the edge of the cold countertop in her fingertips, exhaling slowly, trying to calm her racing pulse.
June uttered a low exclamation, reiterating that she was sorry for being such a jerk, asking if –
Autumn couldn’t even hear the words she said, so loud was the ringing in her head which drowned out everything else. She hadn’t been sure, until this very moment, whether she was more afraid that June had been joking in all this, or that she’d been serious. Knowing which direction it had gone – that her flirtation, or friendship, with Autumn, was all some kind of light-hearted joke to her –
“Say something,” June was begging her. “Please.”
But Autumn didn’t say anything. Instead she threw herself forcefully against June. Wrapping her arms around June’s neck, she planted her face, still raw from crying, against June’s soft shoulder. She was asking, wordlessly, for the one thing she needed most: the reassurance that June would still touch her affectionately even if people were assuming they were a couple of lesbians; that even though June evidently found the label to be something laughable, it wouldn’t make her stop acting the way she did around Autumn.
June let out a little “oof” of surprise. With a soft chuckle, as though nothing could have surprised her more than this reaction, she placed one hand on the back of Autumn’s head, cradling it against her own shoulder. Autumn's entire body sagged against June’s in relief; forehead pressed against the comforting material of June’s sweater, knees knocking against June’ legs, hip jutting against June’s softly rounded stomach, June’s breasts pushed against her ribcage. Autumn’s entire body seemed to melt against the voluptuousness of June’s until thought itself blurred, until she was only conscious of the soft breathing in her ear and the small movements of June’s body against hers.
“Love,” June said in a strained tone.
Autumn raised her head.
“This is really hurting my tits,” June blurted.
Autumn laughed. Reluctantly, she freed June from the prison of her arms.
***
They’d fallen asleep with an almost wordless agreement between them to not question what it was that they were doing together. Well, it would’ve been entirely wordless if June hadn’t broken the spell right before they fell asleep by raising the issue once more.
Autumn had awkwardly turned her back to June, stripped off her sweater and peeled down her jeans, then scrambled under the covers. To her surprise, June removed her own sweater and crawled in next to her, still wearing her tank-top and yoga pants.
“Is this all right?” June asked hesitantly, one hand still holding the sheets, her knee perched on the mattress. “I could go to my own room – “
“Stay,” said Autumn, lifting the covers as June settled in next to her. “I guess Jaxynn will wake you up if she needs you. Door’s open to her room so you can hear her?”
June nodded.
“She was up for most of the morning, and for way too long last night,” she said blearily. “So she’s really due for a long nap. I could use more sleep, if you don’t mind me crashing next to you.”
Autumn turned her body so it was facing June’s, settling her head on the pillow right next to the flowing strands of June’s hair.
“Can you sleep with someone lying right next to you?” Autumn asked.
“You can’t?”
Autumn frowned as she considered the question. Given past experience, it wasn’t very likely that she would sleep well; she’d never liked sharing a bed with her ex-husband, who had snored and overheated and kicked and generally disturbed her five times a night. But sleeping next to June -
“Depends on the person,” she finally said, pushing away the slight thrill that coursed through her at the thought. “If I’m comfortable around them –“
June rolled to her side and grinned, her nose inches away from Autumn’s.
“Do I qualify?”
“We’re going to find out,” said Autumn, smiling back. It made her happy, in some inexpressible way, that June had evidently decided to forget her earlier questions, to be light-hearted and playful with her again.
“Are you gonna be pissed if my feet wander over to your side you while you sleep?”
Autumn poked June’s leg with one of her toes, which made her giggle.
“I’m kind of a snuggler,” June announced. “I’m warning you right now, I will latch onto anyone I’m not actively divorcing like a goddamned barnacle. So, if you wake up with my arm over you, just give me a shove and I’ll roll back to my side of the bed. All right?’
“And what if I don’t?” said Autumn, still smiling. “What if I find out I like you where you are?”
June laughed her full-throated, slightly over-loud laugh. Her face wore an amused smirk as she wormed her hand through some nonexistent gap between Autumn’s body and the bed, threading an arm around her shoulders. Autumn settled herself down against June’s chest, in a mild state of shock that June had scooped her into an embrace like that. June wriggled her entire body a few inches closer to Autumn’s before nestling her head back down on the pillow. Autumn’s legs, stick-straight, were uncomfortably stacked next to June’s like firelogs, so she experimentally raised her knee, then slung her thigh over June’s hip. June laughed again, giving her a small, affectionate squeeze.
“Comfy?” June asked.
Autumn had never been more comfortable, nor more wrapped-up in anyone, in her entire life – not even when she’d been married. As her chin pressed against the soft flesh of June’s breasts, she timidly placed an arm underneath them, resting it against the bottom of June’s ribcage, where the soft rise and fall of her chest displaced it in a soothing rhythm. She closed her eyes and breathed in against June’s neck. There was no perfume there today, though some faint basenotes of scent wafted to her nose from June’s tank-top, its sweet, faintly floral musk seeming to emanate from the fabric itself.
“Very,” she said contentedly.
June laughed again, a note of perplexity in her voice.
“So, you’re totally cool with this?” she asked, as though she couldn’t quite believe Autumn’s words. “Me cuddling you to sleep?”
Autumn snorted. As if she hadn’t climbed almost on top of June with little prompting.
“Really,” she said with a small grin, giving June’s lower ribs a squeeze. “You have to ask?”
“I’m not pushing you into doing anything you don’t want to do, like, in everything we’ve done together, right?”
Autumn raised her head off the pillow and propped herself up on her elbow. June’s face was slightly drawn; the dark circles under her eyes seemed to have deepened.
“No,” Autumn said cautiously. “Why?”
June’s eyes flickered over Autumn’s face. “I care about you,” she said, after a long pause. “And I didn’t think you minded any of, well, – “
Autumn flinched. She closed her eyes, as if by not seeing June, she could prevent the words she knew were coming.
“No,” she said firmly. “I don’t mind any of this. Of course not.”
June sighed a sigh that was tinged with a note of something Autumn couldn’t name.
“Ok,” said June, as though she’d resigned herself to something. “I get it. If this is how it’s going to be – “
Autumn raised her head again. She looked perplexedly at June, who was gazing up at her with a strange vulnerability in her eyes.
“I would never do this for anyone else,” June said, seemingly to herself. Her face looked slightly wounded. “Only for you.”
Autumn glanced down at her own semi-clothed body entangled with June’s and couldn’t help but smile.
“I’ve never done this with anyone,” she announced. “Ever.”
June blinked up at her in surprise.
“I guess Derek’s not much of a snuggler,” she muttered. “Really, babe? You’ve never cuddled with someone in bed?
“No.”
“Not even before Derek.”
“I never dated guys who wanted to cuddle.”
“And you’ve only ever dated guys.”
Autumn nodded.
June sighed a slightly exasperated sigh. She pressed a hand to her forehead.
“I don’t know if my heart can take this,” she said. “What are you doing to me?”
Autumn didn’t quite know what she meant, and she was almost afraid to ask.
“Don’t answer that,” grumbled June. “I think if I asked what you thought we were doing right now, the answer might actually kill me. Just lie down and go to sleep, you innocent angel.”
Autumn was tired enough to unquestioningly obey her. As dizzying waves of sleep pulled her exhausted mind in and out of consciousness, she reflected that her own heart had never been happier.
***
“I need more towels,” the attendant was saying to housekeeping via phone. “For the couple in 869. Thanks so much.”
The couple? Autumn’s face was fiery-hot. She shifted Amber higher on her hip and glanced over at June, who was grinning in amusement. June held Jaxynn in one arm in the baby-carrier, a bag stacked full of takeout containers in her other hand. If they could just get this errand done, said containers would soon be spread over the coffee-table as they enjoyed the absolute feast of sushi they’d ordered. Autumn had not eaten anything since her gas-station sugar-binge in Sara’s car and was absolutely starving.
“You wouldn’t believe how you go through towels with two babies,” said June cheerfully, evidently deciding to go along with his presumption. “We really appreciate it.”
“I’ve got a couple of my own,” the man said with a grin. “So I know for a fact that you two deserve this holiday.”
“Oh, she deserves it more than I do,” June bantered back. “This angel over here had to go into work this morning and she spent most of last night working when she should’ve been on holiday. I’m gonna make it up to her tonight.”
The man tsked.
“Well, they better give you a raise,” he said with a shake of his head. “Working nights with two small kids who get you up early is no fun – I know that for a fact.”
Despite her embarrassment, Autumn couldn’t help but awkwardly smile at the man. For some strange reason she found she had no desire to correct him. June was evidently enjoying this latest public misunderstanding of the relationship between them, no doubt to laugh later over the idea of their being thought lesbians by yet another person, which stung Autumn’s heart more than a little bit. But she quite liked the way June was looking at her, still cracking jokes over her hardworking “wife“ taking the family on an impromptu holiday to spoil them all like the angel incarnate she was. The look in June’s eyes was almost proud, as though June, despite her love of a good joke, really did enjoy the idea of Autumn as her spouse. That made it almost more painful, the thought that she wasn’t actually taking any of this seriously whatsoever.
Her eyes flicked back to the attendant, who was enthusiastically talking about his babies, aged three and four. June was cooing over the pictures of his children on his cellphone; two adorably pudgy baby boys, ensconced in the arms of him and his husband, both of them grinning as handsomely as catalogue models. June held up Jaxynn’s baby-carrier so she could be admired, admiration which the infant certainly deserved. Jaxynn was bright-eyed and cooing after her nap, brown curls soft against her forehead, her dimples adorable against her pink cheeks. One would never know she had spent hours of the past night screaming for no apparent reason between hours of nursing, so well-rested and healthy did she look.
Amber, next in line for the man’s praise, was, quite understandably, not ready to be exhibit 4 in the lineup of happy, contented children raised by supposedly gay parents. After her traumatic previous night and a full day of daycare, Autumn’s daughter appeared as though she’d been through the wars. Her red curls were tangled, her eyes bleary; there was a nasty-looking and inexplicable rash on her arm, and though she was quiet right now, her dark eyes were serious. Her small throat emitted sounds of increasing distress, as though she were a bird warning the group of nearby predators. Her child’s fear of strangers was literally the only thing keeping her quiet. Autumn knew that as soon as they stepped into the elevator, Amber was going to proceed into a nuclear-level meltdown; that every minute they lingered here chitchatting, it would only be worse.
“I think she needs some quiet time right now,” Amber finally interrupted the man, who was trying to win her daughter over by making silly faces at her. She patted Amber’s back and kissed her cheek, at which Amber whimpered and rubbed her eyes. “Sorry; she’s kind of overtired. Daycare said she didn’t nap at all.”
“Of course,” said the man. “And I should get back to work. Sorry for keeping you.”
Amber was making sounds of distress because everyone was looking at her, something she hated more than anything else. She glanced between the three adult faces one by one, and then her baby mouth scrunched up in anger, displaying her dimples as she emitted an absolutely plaintive sob.
“Gosh, your daughters really do look alike,” the man marveled. ”They both have those dimples. Isn’t that something.”
“They have the same father,” June announced.
“Oh, you used the same sperm donor?”
Autumn met June’s eyes, which were so wild with hilarity that she couldn’t speak. She was laughing soundlessly, reaching out an arm to hold Autumn for support, giggling as though this was the best joke she’d ever heard in her life. A tear streaked down her cheek before she shrieked the loudest, most obnoxious, braying laugh Autumn had ever heard in her entire life, whose peals resonated around the granite surfaces of the lobby until Autumn was half-deaf with the noise.
And Autumn, despite her embarrassment, finally saw how very funny this was, how much like the truth the man’s mistaken impression had turned out to be.
“Yes,” she said to him, grinning. “Sperm donor is a more accurate way of putting it.”
The man looked slightly confounded by their reaction, but no quick explanation would have possibly sufficed. Amber, terrified half to death by June’s wild shrieking, began howling like a siren as the four of them hustled to the elevator.
NEXT (NSFW)
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2020.05.13 14:32 madoto-78 The second we saw him we all fell in love

It felt like the whole world stopped when he walked into our bookstore. All the customers turned from browsing the shelves, paying for their purchases, sipping their coffees at the Bookshop Café. The barista boggled behind the coffee machine, the cashier stared with their scanner still in hand.
“Oh my god,” Scott, my co-worker at the information desk whispered, dropping a bunch of books to the counter.
I was immediately blindsided by the person, hit with a dizzying feelings of love. I wanted to protect him, stroke his soft black hair, wrap him up in my arms. I wanted to kiss him all over his lovely face. If anyone else touched them, I might just go insane, I might just rip them to shreds with my bare hands. I didn’t want him to leave, I wanted to stay in his presence forever.
He wandered over to the colouring books. He flicked through them, with a slight smile as his fingers danced across the pages. Then he looked over at the racks full of arty postcards. He picked up a Starry Night one and gazed at it with his sleepy looking doe eyes. Everyone watched him in silence. Then he looked up, noticing the stares. Immediately, he put the book and the postcard back down and strode as fast as he could out of the store again. He’d only been there for a minute but it had felt like hours. As the door shut behind him, it felt like the whole building released the breath it was holding.
I staggered away from the counter and hid in the staff breakroom. As soon as he’d left I felt like a wave of depression hit me. I needed to see him again, right now, now, now. What was happening to me? I mean, I was pretty damn sure I was straight. I’d never had feelings for another man before. This didn’t feel like a normal crush either. This felt like I’d been injected with a hit of love potion straight into my bloodstream. I was coated in sweat and I felt almost feverish. Wrenching the freezer open, I stuck my head in, feeling the cold air cool me down.
Just relax, just relax, I told myself. So you’ve had your first man-crush. There’s no need to freak the fuck out about it.
I slowly breathed in and then out before removing my head from the freezer. I just had to get back to my work routine and I’d feel better. I checked the fridge, finding we were out of milk. That would be a good distraction. Leaving the staff room, I went through the book shelves towards the café that adjoined the shop. Most of the women I passed had dreamy looks on their faces and a lot of the men appeared just as shaken and confused as me, sitting down, staring into their hands like they were going through a personal crisis. Passing the cashier, Morgan, I saw she had the same disturbed look on her face as most of the male customers.
I entered the café. At the front table by the counter was Ray, the delivery guy who brought the books in and took orders off to customers. He spent every lunch break in the café flirting with the barista Kelly. I didn’t get along with either of them. Ray was a frat boy douche and Kelly was just as obnoxious. So in other words, they were perfect for each other.
Ray’s fists were clenched, jaw set, staring down into his cup of coffee like it had called his mother a bitch. Kelly was standing next to the toaster oven with a slightly dazed look on her face.
“Hi,” I said and they both jumped. “We’ve run out of milk, just grabbing some.”
“I was miles away,” said Kelly, as I went behind the counter. “God, did you see that guy? He’s not even my type…”
“I don’t think you’re his type either,” Ray cut in and we both looked around at him. “I mean, what guy flounces around like that, looked like he had mascara on the fuckin’ fairy.”
He crossed his arms across his chest. His eyes were simmering with a mixture of discomfort and anger.
“Wow, did we just go back in time twenty years?” I said. “Maybe we should take him to a conversion camp where he belongs huh?”
“He was just joking, Devin, chill,” Kelly snapped at once.
“Oh yes, he’s really just a fountain of wit, the biggest wit I’ve ever met,” I replied as I grabbed a carton of milk from the fridge and went to walk off.
“You shouldn’t speak to paying customers like that, I could report you!” Ray yelled after me.
As I went into the break room to put the milk away, I found Scott sitting at the table looking wide eyed and extremely agitated.
“You don’t understand, something’s wrong,” he whispered to me as I put the milk in the fridge. “Devin, I’ve never ever had romantic or sexual feelings for anyone in my life. I just spoke to Morgan and she’s really goddamned dazed and confused as well, she liked him too!”
“Morgan has a girlfriend?” I said and Scott nodded.
“Why is some stranger getting everyone, everyone no matter if they’re a straight man, gay woman, asexual person, why is he getting them all to fall in love with him? Something’s not fucking right here.”
“What, you think he’s an incubus or something?” I said, raising my eyebrow. Scott threw his hands up.
“Maybe?” he said. “I don’t care if I sound crazy, this whole situation is crazy!”
He took a deep breath, rubbing his arms like his skin was itching off his bones.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “This is just very unnatural for me. I don’t like it. I feel so goddamn uncomfortable right now.”
The phone rang at the information desk and I left Scott to himself so he could settle down. The bookshop was beginning to calm but there was a confused buzzing energy in the air, everyone exchanging looks with each other, or whispering behind their hands. It was like that for the rest of the shift.
When it was time to leave, I bought a carton of orange and poppy seed muffins from Kelly before I headed to my car. I live in a dying tourist town. Back in the good old days, we had hundreds of visitors to our national park to admire the beautiful waterfall, surrounding bushlands and wildlife. But two huge disasters had happened that had scared away all tourists. An oil spill had turned the waterfall into a disgusting black sludge, rotted the grass and trees and killed animals left and right. It had been left a disgusting wasteland for years and just recently had it slowly begun to heal again.
No-one ever owned up to causing the oil spill either. We had no idea who was responsible. There was an infamous image attached to our town, a picture from the papers of a bunch of dead deer and birds by the river that was floating with dead fish.
I drove out of the main street and up the hill past the ruins of the national park, until I reached my Aunt Noelle’s big old country house next to the school. I still lived with her even though I had money to move out. She’d been laid off from her job as a primary school teacher for bullshit reasons. The new principal had said she was ‘going dotty’ even though Aunt Noelle had always been eccentric. She couldn’t afford for me to move out and I owed it to her to stay and help out with the bills.
When I pulled into the driveway, my Aunt looked up from the kitchen window. She waved as I got out of the car.
“I brought those muffins you like,” I said as I walked in.
“Oh lordy, lordy I’m a lucky duck today,” said Aunt Noelle as she wiped her hands on the dishtowel, turning away from the sink. “I don’t have to cook at all tonight! Philippa came over with this odd little stew thingy-ma-jig called Ozza Bucka.”
“Osso Bucco,” I corrected her. Aunt Noelle was the type who thought black pepper was spicy, but she was still interested in trying all these ‘wild’ food like brie cheese and sundried tomatoes.
“Yes that’s the one, it looks very peculiar, but I’m sure we’ll enjoy it!” said Aunt Noelle. “So Phillipa’s daughter Cressida, y’know Cressida who’s with that cashier Morgan at your work, well she was right all along, I did sell a few nice dresses and scarves on the Esky store online!”
“Etsy?” I said as I sat down at the table. She busied around making me a cup of hot chocolate.
“Yes, yes that’s the one,” she said. “Cressida does all the fancy webwork and she sends them all over the world can you believe! My little ol’ dresses might be worn in Korea or Denmark or New Zealand or anywhere!”
“That’s awesome,” I said. She nodded with excitement. Although she was loving and affectionate, Aunt Noelle was incredibly self-centred never interested in anyone else’s life but her own. I didn’t mind though, I liked that she never pried into my business.
Later that night we were watching recorded tapes of 80s soap operas, that I secretly enjoyed myself when my dad rang my phone. I got up to take the call.
“Do you want me to pause it?” yelled my Aunt as I went into my room.
“No thanks, I’ve already seen it a hundred times!” I yelled back.
“Days of Our Lives?” asked Dad teasingly.
“You know it,” I replied. “How’s it going in there?”
“Oh yeah just fuckin’ great,” he said. I heard one of the guards yell, “Watch your language, Angel!”
“Sorry, darlin’,” my dad murmured back and I laughed at the old joke.
“Cheers for the father’s day gift,” he said. “I got to hide it so the boys don’t nick it.”
“Why would any inmate want one of my paintings?” I asked.
“I dunno, wipe their arse with it,” he replied. “Everyone always wants whatever you have that they don’t. I could have a toothpick and ten blokes would wanna nick it. Ridiculous.”
He laughed bitterly.
“Anyway tell me about ya day at the bookshop,” he said. “That bitchy barista give ya grief?”
“No, it was kind of a weird day actually,” I said. “This man walked in and everyone fell in love with him at once. Even Scott who’s asexual, Morgan the cashier who’s a lesbian and me and that douchebag Ray and we’re both straight. Scott thinks he was an incubus or something.”
I expected a laugh from my dad. But there was a long silence instead. I stared down at my phone for a second, thinking I might have accidentally hung up on him.
“Hello?” I said. “You still there?”
There was a cough from the other line, a nasty smoker’s cough that I’d grown up with my whole life.
“What he look like?” he said in a gruff voice.
“Uhh,” I replied, confused at his strangely serious tone. “Black hair, big hazel eyes, y’know a pretty boy, like he’d be in a picture a teenage girl would pin up on her wall or something.”
Dad was quiet again. I heard a guard yell, “time’s up, Angel, move along.”
“Gotta go,” he muttered.
“Okay,” I replied, feeling more baffled than ever.
Normally a person like Aunt Noelle would be the craziest in someone’s family, but she was nothing compared to my parents. When someone says that their parents are crazy I just have to laugh. I don’t think anyone can compete with mine.
Oscar Angel or as he was known in the media, the Angel of Death had been in jail my whole life. I remember growing up and eavesdropping on Aunt Noelle and Philippa gossiping in the lounge room over tea and biscuits. Philippa had asked in a hushed whisper if I was a conjugal baby and I’d seen through the crack of the door my Aunt nod. My mother apparently had been one of these prisoner groupies, like the ones who wrote fan-mail to Bundy and Manson. My mum ran off on me leaving me with my Aunt when I was a baby. Like her sister, my mother was incredibly self-centred but she had no redeeming qualities to make up for it.
My father was the second disaster that had destroyed all tourist interest in our town. My Dad was in jail for kidnapping four men, taking them up into the bushland, letting them loose and then hunting them all down. There’d only been one survivor who told the cops. My dad had pleaded guilty and been put in jail for life. Kids at school taunted me for having a slasher villain for a dad. There’d actually been a few crappy horror films and true crime documentaries based on him and that was what drew the trickle of tourists to us nowadays, just people wanting to see the place where it had all happened. It was like being related to a celebrity in the worst kind of way. The interviews made me a fair bit of money though. I trolled the reporters, saying the spirits of the dead men haunted my nightmares, making my hands shake and my eye twitch. Dad told me he'd piss himself laughing when they played them on the TV in the rec room.
He sent me presents for my birthday, carved rocks and woodwork in the shapes of dragons. Aunt Noelle always took me to see him and I remember him picking me up as a toddler and twirling me around in a hug. I’d tell him I’d been doing well at school or showed him a drawing I’d done and he’d beam with pride. No-one ever lied to me or tried to soften the story. I’d always grown up knowing he was in jail cause he was a bad man who killed people. Yet I still loved him.
“What did your father say?” Aunt Noelle asked, peering excitedly into the room. I knew she wanted juicy titbits to whisper about with Philippa. It was one of the reasons she took me down to the prison as a kid, so she’d have a few days’ worth of gossip with everyone in town who’d listen.
“A man had to be taken to the nursing unit today,” I said. “He got stabbed with a toothpick.”
“Oh my good goodness,” said Aunt Noelle, clutching her chest. “Wait til I tell Philippa, she’ll kneel over, I swear!”
After a shower and Aunt Noelle’s chamomile tea, I bustled myself off to bed.
In my dreams, I was strolling down the riverbank, the crash of the waterfall ahead of me. Yet it wasn’t like it was today, full of dead grass, black trees and foul smelling water. I could smell flowers in the air and my bare feet squished through the wet green grass. The water was clear, fish swimming around the mossy bottom, the waterfall spilling white foam down on the slick black rocks. Birds were chittering in the distance and the air was warm and pleasant. I felt totally at ease.
I could hear a soft singing beneath the roar of the water.
On the other side of the river, lying in a bed of yellow daisies was a figure, the sun shining off his peachy skin, reflecting in his black hair. The huge hazel eyes opened, the light throwing it into a kaleidoscope of green, brown, gold and amber.
I put my foot into the warm water of the river. I was going to join him. I took off my shirt and dropped my pants, the fabric being swept away down the stream. If only that bird in the tree would stop chirping like that. As I swam naked towards the other end of the river, I realized it wasn’t a bird. It was an alarm and I was lying in my bed.
I gasped staring at my bedroom ceiling. At first I felt annoyed at being woken before the good stuff happened. Then I felt slightly in shock with myself. I’d had naughty dreams about girls when I was in high school. I wasn’t that creative, I mainly dreamt about motor boating Mila Kunis and Angelina Jolie. I’d never had a sex dream about a man before.
As I got ready for work, the shock turned to guilt. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye as I arrived at the bookshop that morning. Maybe they’d look at my face and just know what I’d dreamed about the night before. In the break-room I tore open a muesli bar as Scott made himself his morning coffee. We still had a little while until the store opened
“I can’t believe it Devin,” Scott said to me, shaking his head. “I had my first ever wet dream over Inky…”
“Why Inky?” I asked.
“Cause he’s an incubus,” Scott replied with a shrug. “I posted about him on my twitter, you should bloody know! How dare you not follow me Judas.”
“I don’t have any of the twits and grams and books and snaps, you know that,” I replied.
“You like your social media as antisocial as possible,” he said.
“You know it,” I replied and we both laughed. He stared into my shifty eyes and then grinned.
“You had an Inky dream too!” he said. “Holy shit I bet everyone who saw him yesterday did. The laundrette’s gonna be full to the brim, everyone needs to wash their dirty sheets…”
“Classy,” I said. Kelly walked through the door, dumping her bag in one of the lockers.
“Nearly broke my finger last night thinking about Inky,” she said with a giggle.
“Thanks I didn’t want to eat anyway,” I said, putting down my muesli bar. Scott took a seat, settling in to watch us argue. He said our banter was what brought him to work every day. He never bothered even engaging with Kelly and sometimes I wished I could do the same.
“Don’t be such a prude!” she said to me as she got an apple from her bag. “You all wanked off to him as well, don’t even lie.”
Scott wrinkled up his nose at her.
“I don’t normally go for like sissy looking guys y’know, but he like did something to me, I dunno. I’d destroy him oh my god, I’d give him the fuck of his life. Where do you think he lives? Next time he’s here I should follow him home…”
“Yeah I think that’s called stalking,” I said. Scott muffled a laugh.
“Good point, don’t want to share a cell with your Dad do I?” Kelly replied.
“You don’t have to worry about that, I’m not sure if you know this but they actually have separate prisons for men and women? Unless you have a very well-kept secret of course.”
“They’re not gonna arrest me for following a guy home, that’s insane Devin, God,” Kelly snapped at once. “Like maybe if I was a creep like you, yeah but I’m a girl so…”
“Hurray for double standards,” I said.
“Fuck off,” she said. “You’re just mad that I have the balls to ask someone out or at least take them into my car and fuck their brains out. You see a pretty girl you just hide in here like you always do. I mean when’s the last time you actually went on a date?”
“Oh yes, yes we’re all just burning with jealousy over you, Kelly,” I said trying to hide the fact that her remark had actually stung a bit.
“Ignore the question then,” Kelly said, looking rather pleased with herself. She didn’t often win our verbal spats. She quickly hurried from the room before I could possibly get another word in.
“Poor form, Devin,” said Scott. “I hope you’re not losing your touch, I’ll quit if you and Kelly stop having your fights. It’s like Tyrion versus Cersei.”
“C’mon you flatter me too much, I’m no way near as cool as Tyrion,” I said.
“But Kelly’s as bad as Cersei then?” said Scott. I just shrugged and Scott laughed.
Later on I didn’t really feel like having lunch in the staff breakroom so I went outside to eat. It was good to get a bit of exercise and fresh air as I hiked up the hill towards the park. Like I said, in the past ten years the area had begun to recover slightly. Around the river and waterfall was still pretty disgusting but the bushlands that led that way had cleared, grass and flowers slowly beginning to bloom again. The tourists were still afraid to return so it was always quiet. I found it a nice place to sit by myself.
As I sat down on the bench and opened my container of left-over ozzo bucco, I felt a tingle on the back of my neck. I could hear a soft voice gently singing out a song. Turning around I saw sitting cross-legged in a flowerbed the man from yesterday. A stray cat that would always hiss and claw if you came near it, was curled up in his lap and he was scratching it behind the ears. I boggled at him and he looked up. When he caught eyes with me, I felt myself flush and my heart flutter. His shoulders went up under his ears, his body stiffened and a look of fear crossed his face. He was scared of me.
I watched as he carefully put the cat down, who meowed unhappily at him. He walked as fast as he could in the direction of the waterfall, disappearing around a corner.
People started to see him every day. He’d be staring up at the mural in the carpark behind the main street, or sitting on a bench with the stray cat in his lap, or in the park admiring the flowers. I didn’t approach him, but many others tried. He’d always get up and scarper off the second he saw someone coming near. Every time he’d run in the direction of the waterfall.
About a week after we’d first spotted Inky, I went to the mailbox in the morning to find I’d gotten a letter from my Dad. I put it in my jacket pocket and forgot about it for the rest of the day.
I went to the bar that night. The bookstore staff often caught up for drinks Fridays and Saturdays. Ray and Kelly were making a ruckus in the front room. Ray was even more annoying than usual as Kelly giggled at his every word, perched on his knee.
“Why don’t we have the fuckin’ footy playin’ c’mon this is bullshit…!” he was yelling at the bartender.
“Go to the pub if you’re so mad, man…?” the bartender tried to say.
“No, no, don’t goddamn brush me off why can’t you have it here huh? This whole place with ya fruity fuckin’ drinks and entrees, fuckin’ hire me, I’ll put in a stripper pole, topless waitresses, run this place properly.”
He groped at Kelly’s tits.
“I already got my first employee right here!”
“Oh my god, I’m not being a stripper what the fuck!” Kelly laughed as she spilled her cocktail down her front. The bartender rolled his eyes, turning away from them to serve me. The one thing me and Kelly had in common that got me a lot of mockery was our taste in booze. I ordered a cosmopolitan as Ray sneered at me.
“Take me out back and shoot me if I ever drink one of them willingly,” he said as he took a swig of his pint of beer.
“Wow willingly that’s a big word for you isn’t it, three entire syllables!” I replied, taking my drink. Ray’s eyes flashed dangerously and he tried to rise out of his seat, obviously forgetting he still had Kelly in his lap. She shrieked, throwing her arms around his neck, spilling the rest of her drink down his back. Ray swore at the top of his lungs.
"That's it, you're out of here, the pair of youse…!” the bartender snapped as I slunk towards the smoking area. It was an ugly cement area next to the bins. I wasn’t a smoker but I preferred sitting back here. It was where I found the best conversation. There was a few people gathered around and I had a quick glance to see if there were any mates about. I spotted Morgan and Cress sitting on milk crates, having a smoke. I went to them, pulling over a keg to sit on.
“Drinking your fruit juice again?” Morgan said as I sat down.
“Oi this has a mad high alcohol content compared to your watered down wheat runoff,” I said.
“Is that a scientific term, mad high?” said Morgan.
“You know it,” I said. “Your alcohol content is classified as piss poor.”
Morgan laughed. I turned to Cress who was staring up at the night sky.
“You got Aunt Noelle all in a tizzy over her Esky store,” I said and Cress blinked slowly and then laughed.
“Sorry, I had a cheeky joint before I got here I don’t know up from down,” she said, shaking her head. “I been thinking about Inky.”
“Haven’t we all,” I said as Morgan shifted uncomfortably on the spot.
“God that was bizarre,” Morgan said. “I’ve been a dead set lesbo my whole life and Inky walks in and makes me question everything. How does someone fuck with everyone’s sexuality all at once? You notice Ray trying to act as hetero as possible out front? Poor fucker’s rattled as all hell just like all of us.”
Cress waved her hand around dismissively at this.
“Naw I wasn’t no rattlesnake,” said Cress. “See, when he walked past my storefront I got the nerves at first but then I saw everyone else got hit, realized it was just a love spell and it didn’t mean nothing y’know.”
“Scott reckons he’s an incubus,” I said and Cress snorted, rolling her eyes.
“Bullshit,” she said. “Scott don’t know nothing.”
I raised an eyebrow at her.
“Listen,” said Cress clicking her fingers. “I run the spiritual shop, I know my shit. Incubus? Nah man, nah way. He can’t be an incubus, he’s not done any seducin’, he goes and scrams the minute any of us see 'im. And the dreams don’t fit the description either. If a cubi can’t seduce you in the real world, they go into your dreams, screw you silly and leave you exhausted and drained of all your energy, they steal your bread batter and put buns in ovens. I asked around, no-one’s had any dreams where he took their bread batter or took ‘em to pound town. No takin’ bread batter, no puttin’ buns in oven, no seducin’. He ain’t no incubus. Unless he stole your batter, Devin?”
I muffled laughter as she took a puff from her cigarette to recover from her rant.
“Nah he didn’t steal my bread batter, Cress,” I said as Morgan bit back a smirk.
“Anyway,” said Morgan. “I thought the whole incubus and succubus myth was just people not understanding sleep paralysis.”
“Boo,” said Cress at once, elbowing her.
“Yeah fuck your rational scientific explanation,” I piped in.
Morgan put her hands up in defeat.
“Deepest apologies,” she said. “I’m gonna get another drink, youse want anything?”
I shook my head no as Cress got up as well.
The couple walked out of the smoking area leaving me alone. It was chilly out and I tucked my hands into my jacket pocket. There was a rustle and I realized I’d forgotten to read Dad’s letter. I took out the wrinkled papers. I blinked. There were about half a dozen grey-lead pencil drawings inside, along with a scrawled letter.
I went through the pictures, feeling cold fingers of unease tickling up my spine. The first drawing was of an alleyway and bins. There was a figure crouched down with a few cats around them, tickling one under the chin. He had familiar dark, soft looking hair and sweet innocent eyes. It was Inky.
The next picture was of Inky curled up naked in the grass. His face was contorted and black liquid was dribbling from his eyes, nose and mouth. The third picture was of the figure now dressed in a baggy plaid shirt and jeans, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his face away. The fourth was nearly the same except Inky was looking up, staring from the paper with tear-filled eyes. The fifth picture was the back of a car with four figures tied up together with burlap sacks over their heads squashed up beside each other.
The final picture was of a forest scene. There was a stake in the ground and a fat, middle-aged man was skewered on it, the stake impaling him through his anus, the pointed end sticking out of his mouth. Above him in the trees was another man, younger with a shaggy beard and hair. His abdomen was torn open and he was hanging from the branches by his intestines. A third man was lying in the soil, his hands chained to a tree trunk, his body smeared with a sticky looking substance. I couldn’t make out his features as his flesh were crawling with ants and flies that were eating him alive. I could see in the far distance, the familiar figure of Inky, looking over the scene with his mouth hanging open, his miserable face dripping with black liquid.
At the bottom of each drawing was my Dad’s scrawled signature.
“What’s that you’re reading?” said Morgan as she walked back outside. “Cress’s abandoned me to dance, you’re left with my wonderful company now.”
I didn’t answer and her cheerful look changed to confusion.
“You alright mate?” she said as she sat down beside her. I gave her the pictures with shaking hands. She looked over them one by one, the colour slowly draining from her face, her eyes boggling wider and wider until they looked the size of ping-pong balls.
“You’re dad drew these?” she whispered. I nodded, my whole body feeling numb. Her eyes flicked over to the letter I was still holding.
“What’s it say?” she said and I looked down at the messy scrawl. I offered it to her so we could both read. She frowned, shaking her head.
“Sorry,” she said. “I can’t make head or tails of that.”
I’d forgotten that most people couldn’t read my dad’s chicken scratch writing and bad spelling. I started to read it for her, my voice trembling.
“Dear Devin,” I said. “They’re letting me send you these cause it ain’t new information, I already told the cops all about this when I was arrested. They didn’t believe half of it but I swear it’s fucking true. I know about that man you were talking about. I never thought I’d hear about him again. I could barely believe it when you told me. Let me tell you everything.”
“In the 60s I worked as a handyman at a hotel in town. It was a fancy art hotel, had all these paintings on the wall. I was there to fix elevators and phones and TVs and all that shit.”
“Look I’ve been in jail for bloody decades surrounded by men twenty-four seven and I ain’t never been tempted to do anything with any of them. Never had a problem with blokes who swing that way either, it just ain’t for me. I always thought I was straight as an arrow but there was one exception what made me question meself. The fella what visited the hotel every time we changed the art on the walls who’d come down and admire it for hours, who I saw feeding the strays out in the alleyway. I was bloody besotted. Frightened me it did, didn’t know what the hell was happening to me.”
“Everyone in the hotel loved him too. He never booked a room for himself and didn’t speak a word so we didn’t know his name. Everyone called him Baby. I tended to just avoid Baby if he came into the hotel, didn’t want to confront these bloody feelings y’know it wasn’t like today, you could get arrested, put in the loony bin, your reputation ruined for liking blokes.”
"Now I knew one of the concierges was dodgy, we all did. He could get a guest anything they wanted for a bit of extra cash. I didn’t stick my nose in, cause I didn’t think it was too serious. He’d just get the drugs and hookers to the guests and all that. I started hearing rumours he was getting worse. Starting to send drugged up women to rooms, children for creeps. But he kept his tracks squeaky clean and there wasn’t any evidence he’d done a thing wrong. He looked like such a little harmless punk I didn’t believe he’d get into that really evil business. I just thought naw it’s gossip is all.”
“One day I was fixing the fridge in a room belonging to these three business men when I heard whispering. I didn’t know what it meant and was too focused to really pay it much attention. All I heard was “help us get him to our room and you can join in.”’
“I wished I’d paid proper attention, enough to fuckin’ stop them. But I didn’t. All hell broke loose that night. The concierge came back from his dinner break as cool as a cucumber and then five minutes later the hotel collapsed.”
“The marble staircase cracked right down the middle. All the paintings fell off the walls, all the windows and chandeliers shattered and the ceiling caved in. I was running for the front entrance when I saw this huge river of black oil flooding down the broken staircase. It was making this awful sound, like a widow at a funeral. I’d never heard something so heartbroken in my life. It crashed out onto the street and swept off and away. We were lucky to be in an off-season so no-one died, but quite a few were injured.”
“I followed the black stain all the way through town and up into the woods. That’s where I found Baby, curled up and naked. He was absolutely traumatized, wouldn’t speak a word to me, oozing black oil from his mouth. I stayed with him. Wouldn’t go near enough to touch him cause I’d figured out what the men had done and knew he wouldn’t want another bloke to lay a finger on him. But I gave him a new set of clothes, gave him food and drink, kept guard as he slept and said comforting things when he woke up from nightmares. I took care of him.”
“He didn’t get better. The nightmares got worse, he couldn’t keep food down. He was wasting away and the woods were just rotting to bits around him. The trees trunks were full of maggots and the ground was this stinking mud and all the fish in the river floated up dead to the surface. I felt furious at these fucking mongrels who done it to him. So then well, you know what I did to them don’t ya?”
“I was fucking nuts, I thought, look what I did for you, this will make you feel better. The look on Baby’s face. He was crying, turning away to vomit up the black oil. I tried to go to him and he cowered like a kicked dog. Terrified, he was terrified of me. Baby ran into the woods and I never saw him again. But I heard him crying that widow’s wail, echoing all through the forest. I wanted to die. I wanted to throw myself into the river and drown. I’d buried the concierge alive but he managed to dig himself out and run to the cops. I didn’t resist. I let them arrest me, convict me and put me away.”
“Funnily enough the concierge is in here with me now. Years after I was convicted, the law caught up with him. In here for a fuckload of fucked up shit. They keep us separated though, obviously scared I’m gonna try to kill him again. Little weaselly scumbag.”
“But I loved my Baby with all my heart and soul. I still do. I pray he’ll forgive me. But I know he never will. I can’t forgive myself either. The only good thing that’s come out of all of this is having you, Devin. If not for you I think I would have hung meself years ago. ”
“So that’s it I guess. I couldn’t tell you this all in a visit or a phone call, you understand. Had to write it down. Love ya kiddo. From your psycho bastard Dad.”
I put the letter down and Morgan and I just stared at each other. The other people in the smoking area seemed far away, the world just focused in on just me, Morgan and the letter in my hands.
“But he’s back,” I said in a croaky voice. “Dad said it was the 60s? Baby, Inky whatever it is, still looks like he’s in his mid to late twenties? How’s that possible?”
“Obviously he’s not human,” Morgan muttered back, looking completely dazed. “I don’t know what the hell he is.”
We became aware of a lot of excited whispering among the smoker’s area. People were getting up to run off into the front room. Morgan and I exchanged looks and got up to follow the crowd. Groups of people were gathered around the windows and front door, peering out into the street.
“What’s happening?” I asked Cress, who was spinning a pen on the countertop.
“Inky sighting,” she replied with a shrug. I saw across the road, the slender shape wandering down the pavement, looking around himself with his usual slightly sleepy expression. A big sigh went through the people in the building, people smiling sappily, their clasped hands beneath the chins.
“Such an angel…” someone said.
We all watched as he turned the corner. He was heading for the mural in the carpark again. When he was out of eyesight, the admiring onlookers dispersed, going back to the bar or trickling into the smoker’s area again. Morgan and I hovered by the door. In the distance, I could hear a faint yelling.
“I saw him, I saw that little fairy, he was just here a second ago!” Ray’s voice rang out down the road. “I just wanna talk to him, I just wanna fuckin’ talk!”
Kelly, laughing with a bottle in one hand and her shoes in the other was staggering a few paces behind him.
“You’re crazy!” she kept saying, zigzagging down the pavement. “You’re crazy Ray!”
They went around the corner in the direction of the carpark.
“Cress we gotta go,” Morgan said at once.
“Why what’s going on?” Cress replied, looking up from her pen spinning.
“You explain,” I said to Morgan, shoving the letter and drawings into her hand. “I’ll go.”
I raced down into the cold, dark street, my breath heavy, my heart in my chest. I remembered the pictures of Inky curled up naked, crying with oil spilling down his face. The back seat full of the tied up, hooded men. I imagined the scream as the downfall of black oil exploded over the white marble of the hotel staircase.
The mural was lit by a golden streetlight, taking up an entire wall, depicting the waterfall back before it had been polluted. It had bright, glittering blue water, surrounded by a rainbow of flowers and wild deer pranced through the emerald green of the riverbank.
Inky had his fingertips just grazing the painting as he slowly looked it over. His face was slightly furrowed as he stroked the painted brick.
“Fuckin’ poof!” yelled Ray, staggering across the carpark. “I bet ya wanna fuckin’ suck me off don’t ya you little fuckin’…”
Then he fell over sideways into the bushes, crumpling to the ground. He struggled to get to his feet, swearing and thrashing about like an upended turtle. Then he just gave up, curling up in the fetal position in the bushes, sticking his thumb in his mouth. In five seconds he was fast asleep and snoring.
Kelly had completely forgotten about Ray as she swayed over towards Inky.
“I’m just gonna smack his arse is all,” Kelly slurred into her drink. “I wanna grab it so bad. Maybe grab his dick too. Look he’s a skinny little thing, not like he’s gonna push me off, is he? And look he’s a man, all men want it. I’m gonna make Inky’s goddamn night.”
I barged towards her, getting in her way and she instantly pushed my chest trying to get around me.
“For fuck’s sake,” I said. “Kelly have you lost your mind? Jesus.”
I grabbed her by the shoulder and for a second a dark urge stirred in my chest. I wanted to grab her by the hair and smash her stupid face into the brick wall. Smash it until the brains leaked out. Grab the bottle and break it over her head.
“Get off me, just chill, just fuckin’ chill,” she said, fighting against my grip. “You’re insane! Let me go!”
I could do it. I could pull out a chunk of her hair, gouge my fingers into her eyes until they bled, stab my keys into her ear and rupture the eardrum. I could feel my breath heavy in my chest and Kelly looked into my eyes. She stopped struggling and just went still. The bottle smashed to the ground beneath us. I saw the terror in her face, heard the tiny whimper in her throat.
There was a sound behind me. It was a low, long and agonized moan of utter misery and fear.
My hand dangled down by my side.
“Just go home alright,” I managed to say. “Just sleep it off.”
Kelly nodded, tears streaming down her face. Over at the bushes, Morgan and Cress were helping Ray to his feet as he muttered about how he wanted to be the meat in their lesbian sandwich.
“Alrighty girlie,” Cress called to Kelly. “You come with us now, we walk ya drunk mess home.”
Sending a fearful look over her shoulder at me, Kelly nearly ran towards them. Morgan sent me a stiff nod as the four of them started heading down the street together, leaving me behind. Feeling like I was underwater in an ice cold pool, I slowly turned around.
The creature was standing stock still in the middle of the carpark. His hands were shaking and his eyes were filled with black liquid. I could see an oily black trail seeping from the corner of his mouth down his chin. But he wasn’t wailing anymore.
I felt the shame twist my insides. I’d helped to terrify him into that state. My skin felt cold and I was trembling all over. Would I have really done it? If I hadn’t had heard the crying, what would I have done to Kelly?
I brushed my own tears from my eyes and turned to puke up into the nearest bush. The acid burned my throat, my body cramped and my stomach heaved as I retched endlessly. It seemed like hours had passed when I’d manage to throw everything up. I wiped my mouth on the back on my hand and staggered to my feet again. Turning around to look behind me, I saw the creature had gone.
Kelly called in sick for the next few days. No-one saw Inky either. He’d gone back into hiding it seemed. Finally around Thursday, while I was eating breakfast in the break-room, Kelly slunk through the door. I watched her out of the corner of my eye as she silently put her bag away.
“Hey,” Kelly murmured. “Thanks for the other night. I nearly did something really stupid.”
“Yeah you did,” I responded at once. I knew she was trying to extend an olive branch to me but being sarcastic to her was just second nature. Kelly cast her eyes down and didn’t answer. Then she silently nodded in agreement and hurried out of the break-room again. I went back to my bowl of muesli.
“Look Devin,” Scott said when he came in, showing me his phone. “Apparently the waterfall is cleaner then it’s been since the oil spill. Everyone’s in goddamn shock, it’s mending so fast out of absolutely nowhere.”
He smiled, shaking his head.
“And all the wild deer have come back too.”
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2020.05.13 10:12 madoto-78 The second we saw him we all fell in love

It felt like the whole world stopped when he walked into our bookstore. All the customers turned from browsing the shelves, paying for their purchases, sipping their coffees at the Bookshop Café. The barista boggled behind the coffee machine, the cashier stared with their scanner still in hand.
“Oh my god,” Scott, my co-worker at the information desk whispered, dropping a bunch of books to the counter.
I was immediately blindsided by the person, hit with a dizzying feelings of love. I wanted to protect him, stroke his soft black hair, wrap him up in my arms. I wanted to kiss him all over his lovely face. If anyone else touched them, I might just go insane, I might just rip them to shreds with my bare hands. I didn’t want him to leave, I wanted to stay in his presence forever.
He wandered over to the colouring books. He flicked through them, with a slight smile as his fingers danced across the pages. Then he looked over at the racks full of arty postcards. He picked up a Starry Night one and gazed at it with his sleepy looking doe eyes. Everyone watched him in silence. Then he looked up, noticing the stares. Immediately, he put the book and the postcard back down and strode as fast as he could out of the store again. He’d only been there for a minute but it had felt like hours. As the door shut behind him, it felt like the whole building released the breath it was holding.
I staggered away from the counter and hid in the staff breakroom. As soon as he’d left I felt like a wave of depression hit me. I needed to see him again, right now, now, now. What was happening to me? I mean, I was pretty damn sure I was straight. I’d never had feelings for another man before. This didn’t feel like a normal crush either. This felt like I’d been injected with a hit of love potion straight into my bloodstream. I was coated in sweat and I felt almost feverish. Wrenching the freezer open, I stuck my head in, feeling the cold air cool me down.
Just relax, just relax, I told myself. So you’ve had your first man-crush. There’s no need to freak the fuck out about it.
I slowly breathed in and then out before removing my head from the freezer. I just had to get back to my work routine and I’d feel better. I checked the fridge, finding we were out of milk. That would be a good distraction. Leaving the staff room, I went through the book shelves towards the café that adjoined the shop. Most of the women I passed had dreamy looks on their faces and a lot of the men appeared just as shaken and confused as me, sitting down, staring into their hands like they were going through a personal crisis. Passing the cashier, Morgan, I saw she had the same disturbed look on her face as most of the male customers.
I entered the café. At the front table by the counter was Ray, the delivery guy who brought the books in and took orders off to customers. He spent every lunch break in the café flirting with the barista Kelly. I didn’t get along with either of them. Ray was a frat boy douche and Kelly was just as obnoxious. So in other words, they were perfect for each other.
Ray’s fists were clenched, jaw set, staring down into his cup of coffee like it had called his mother a bitch. Kelly was standing next to the toaster oven with a slightly dazed look on her face.
“Hi,” I said and they both jumped. “We’ve run out of milk, just grabbing some.”
“I was miles away,” said Kelly, as I went behind the counter. “God, did you see that guy? He’s not even my type…”
“I don’t think you’re his type either,” Ray cut in and we both looked around at him. “I mean, what guy flounces around like that, looked like he had mascara on the fuckin’ fairy.”
He crossed his arms across his chest. His eyes were simmering with a mixture of discomfort and anger.
“Wow, did we just go back in time twenty years?” I said. “Maybe we should take him to a conversion camp where he belongs huh?”
“He was just joking, Devin, chill,” Kelly snapped at once.
“Oh yes, he’s really just a fountain of wit, the biggest wit I’ve ever met,” I replied as I grabbed a carton of milk from the fridge and went to walk off.
“You shouldn’t speak to paying customers like that, I could report you!” Ray yelled after me.
As I went into the break room to put the milk away, I found Scott sitting at the table looking wide eyed and extremely agitated.
“You don’t understand, something’s wrong,” he whispered to me as I put the milk in the fridge. “Devin, I’ve never ever had romantic or sexual feelings for anyone in my life. I just spoke to Morgan and she’s really goddamned dazed and confused as well, she liked him too!”
“Morgan has a girlfriend?” I said and Scott nodded.
“Why is some stranger getting everyone, everyone no matter if they’re a straight man, gay woman, asexual person, why is he getting them all to fall in love with him? Something’s not fucking right here.”
“What, you think he’s an incubus or something?” I said, raising my eyebrow. Scott threw his hands up.
“Maybe?” he said. “I don’t care if I sound crazy, this whole situation is crazy!”
He took a deep breath, rubbing his arms like his skin was itching off his bones.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “This is just very unnatural for me. I don’t like it. I feel so goddamn uncomfortable right now.”
The phone rang at the information desk and I left Scott to himself so he could settle down. The bookshop was beginning to calm but there was a confused buzzing energy in the air, everyone exchanging looks with each other, or whispering behind their hands. It was like that for the rest of the shift.
When it was time to leave, I bought a carton of orange and poppy seed muffins from Kelly before I headed to my car. I live in a dying tourist town. Back in the good old days, we had hundreds of visitors to our national park to admire the beautiful waterfall, surrounding bushlands and wildlife. But two huge disasters had happened that had scared away all tourists. An oil spill had turned the waterfall into a disgusting black sludge, rotted the grass and trees and killed animals left and right. It had been left a disgusting wasteland for years and just recently had it slowly begun to heal again.
No-one ever owned up to causing the oil spill either. We had no idea who was responsible. There was an infamous image attached to our town, a picture from the papers of a bunch of dead deer and birds by the river that was floating with dead fish.
I drove out of the main street and up the hill past the ruins of the national park, until I reached my Aunt Noelle’s big old country house next to the school. I still lived with her even though I had money to move out. She’d been laid off from her job as a primary school teacher for bullshit reasons. The new principal had said she was ‘going dotty’ even though Aunt Noelle had always been eccentric. She couldn’t afford for me to move out and I owed it to her to stay and help out with the bills.
When I pulled into the driveway, my Aunt looked up from the kitchen window. She waved as I got out of the car.
“I brought those muffins you like,” I said as I walked in.
“Oh lordy, lordy I’m a lucky duck today,” said Aunt Noelle as she wiped her hands on the dishtowel, turning away from the sink. “I don’t have to cook at all tonight! Philippa came over with this odd little stew thingy-ma-jig called Ozza Bucka.”
“Osso Bucco,” I corrected her. Aunt Noelle was the type who thought black pepper was spicy, but she was still interested in trying all these ‘wild’ food like brie cheese and sundried tomatoes.
“Yes that’s the one, it looks very peculiar, but I’m sure we’ll enjoy it!” said Aunt Noelle. “So Phillipa’s daughter Cressida, y’know Cressida who’s with that cashier Morgan at your work, well she was right all along, I did sell a few nice dresses and scarves on the Esky store online!”
“Etsy?” I said as I sat down at the table. She busied around making me a cup of hot chocolate.
“Yes, yes that’s the one,” she said. “Cressida does all the fancy webwork and she sends them all over the world can you believe! My little ol’ dresses might be worn in Korea or Denmark or New Zealand or anywhere!”
“That’s awesome,” I said. She nodded with excitement. Although she was loving and affectionate, Aunt Noelle was incredibly self-centred never interested in anyone else’s life but her own. I didn’t mind though, I liked that she never pried into my business.
Later that night we were watching recorded tapes of 80s soap operas, that I secretly enjoyed myself when my dad rang my phone. I got up to take the call.
“Do you want me to pause it?” yelled my Aunt as I went into my room.
“No thanks, I’ve already seen it a hundred times!” I yelled back.
“Days of Our Lives?” asked Dad teasingly.
“You know it,” I replied. “How’s it going in there?”
“Oh yeah just fuckin’ great,” he said. I heard one of the guards yell, “Watch your language, Angel!”
“Sorry, darlin’,” my dad murmured back and I laughed at the old joke.
“Cheers for the father’s day gift,” he said. “I got to hide it so the boys don’t nick it.”
“Why would any inmate want one of my paintings?” I asked.
“I dunno, wipe their arse with it,” he replied. “Everyone always wants whatever you have that they don’t. I could have a toothpick and ten blokes would wanna nick it. Ridiculous.”
He laughed bitterly.
“Anyway tell me about ya day at the bookshop,” he said. “That bitchy barista give ya grief?”
“No, it was kind of a weird day actually,” I said. “This man walked in and everyone fell in love with him at once. Even Scott who’s asexual, Morgan the cashier who’s a lesbian and me and that douchebag Ray and we’re both straight. Scott thinks he was an incubus or something.”
I expected a laugh from my dad. But there was a long silence instead. I stared down at my phone for a second, thinking I might have accidentally hung up on him.
“Hello?” I said. “You still there?”
There was a cough from the other line, a nasty smoker’s cough that I’d grown up with my whole life.
“What he look like?” he said in a gruff voice.
“Uhh,” I replied, confused at his strangely serious tone. “Black hair, big hazel eyes, y’know a pretty boy, like he’d be in a picture a teenage girl would pin up on her wall or something.”
Dad was quiet again. I heard a guard yell, “time’s up, Angel, move along.”
“Gotta go,” he muttered.
“Okay,” I replied, feeling more baffled than ever.
Normally a person like Aunt Noelle would be the craziest in someone’s family, but she was nothing compared to my parents. When someone says that their parents are crazy I just have to laugh. I don’t think anyone can compete with mine.
Oscar Angel or as he was known in the media, the Angel of Death had been in jail my whole life. I remember growing up and eavesdropping on Aunt Noelle and Philippa gossiping in the lounge room over tea and biscuits. Philippa had asked in a hushed whisper if I was a conjugal baby and I’d seen through the crack of the door my Aunt nod. My mother apparently had been one of these prisoner groupies, like the ones who wrote fan-mail to Bundy and Manson. My mum ran off on me leaving me with my Aunt when I was a baby. Like her sister, my mother was incredibly self-centred but she had no redeeming qualities to make up for it.
My father was the second disaster that had destroyed all tourist interest in our town. My Dad was in jail for kidnapping four men, taking them up into the bushland, letting them loose and then hunting them all down. There’d only been one survivor who told the cops. My dad had pleaded guilty and been put in jail for life. Kids at school taunted me for having a slasher villain for a dad. There’d actually been a few crappy horror films and true crime documentaries based on him and that was what drew the trickle of tourists to us nowadays, just people wanting to see the place where it had all happened. It was like being related to a celebrity in the worst kind of way. The interviews made me a fair bit of money though. I trolled the reporters, saying the spirits of the dead men haunted my nightmares, making my hands shake and my eye twitch. Dad told me he'd piss himself laughing when they played them on the TV in the rec room.
He sent me presents for my birthday, carved rocks and woodwork in the shapes of dragons. Aunt Noelle always took me to see him and I remember him picking me up as a toddler and twirling me around in a hug. I’d tell him I’d been doing well at school or showed him a drawing I’d done and he’d beam with pride. No-one ever lied to me or tried to soften the story. I’d always grown up knowing he was in jail cause he was a bad man who killed people. Yet I still loved him.
“What did your father say?” Aunt Noelle asked, peering excitedly into the room. I knew she wanted juicy titbits to whisper about with Philippa. It was one of the reasons she took me down to the prison as a kid, so she’d have a few days’ worth of gossip with everyone in town who’d listen.
“A man had to be taken to the nursing unit today,” I said. “He got stabbed with a toothpick.”
“Oh my good goodness,” said Aunt Noelle, clutching her chest. “Wait til I tell Philippa, she’ll kneel over, I swear!”
After a shower and Aunt Noelle’s chamomile tea, I bustled myself off to bed.
In my dreams, I was strolling down the riverbank, the crash of the waterfall ahead of me. Yet it wasn’t like it was today, full of dead grass, black trees and foul smelling water. I could smell flowers in the air and my bare feet squished through the wet green grass. The water was clear, fish swimming around the mossy bottom, the waterfall spilling white foam down on the slick black rocks. Birds were chittering in the distance and the air was warm and pleasant. I felt totally at ease.
I could hear a soft singing beneath the roar of the water.
On the other side of the river, lying in a bed of yellow daisies was a figure, the sun shining off his peachy skin, reflecting in his black hair. The huge hazel eyes opened, the light throwing it into a kaleidoscope of green, brown, gold and amber.
I put my foot into the warm water of the river. I was going to join him. I took off my shirt and dropped my pants, the fabric being swept away down the stream. If only that bird in the tree would stop chirping like that. As I swam naked towards the other end of the river, I realized it wasn’t a bird. It was an alarm and I was lying in my bed.
I gasped staring at my bedroom ceiling. At first I felt annoyed at being woken before the good stuff happened. Then I felt slightly in shock with myself. I’d had naughty dreams about girls when I was in high school. I wasn’t that creative, I mainly dreamt about motor boating Mila Kunis and Angelina Jolie. I’d never had a sex dream about a man before.
As I got ready for work, the shock turned to guilt. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye as I arrived at the bookshop that morning. Maybe they’d look at my face and just know what I’d dreamed about the night before. In the break-room I tore open a muesli bar as Scott made himself his morning coffee. We still had a little while until the store opened
“I can’t believe it Devin,” Scott said to me, shaking his head. “I had my first ever wet dream over Inky…”
“Why Inky?” I asked.
“Cause he’s an incubus,” Scott replied with a shrug. “I posted about him on my twitter, you should bloody know! How dare you not follow me Judas.”
“I don’t have any of the twits and grams and books and snaps, you know that,” I replied.
“You like your social media as antisocial as possible,” he said.
“You know it,” I replied and we both laughed. He stared into my shifty eyes and then grinned.
“You had an Inky dream too!” he said. “Holy shit I bet everyone who saw him yesterday did. The laundrette’s gonna be full to the brim, everyone needs to wash their dirty sheets…”
“Classy,” I said. Kelly walked through the door, dumping her bag in one of the lockers.
“Nearly broke my finger last night thinking about Inky,” she said with a giggle.
“Thanks I didn’t want to eat anyway,” I said, putting down my muesli bar. Scott took a seat, settling in to watch us argue. He said our banter was what brought him to work every day. He never bothered even engaging with Kelly and sometimes I wished I could do the same.
“Don’t be such a prude!” she said to me as she got an apple from her bag. “You all wanked off to him as well, don’t even lie.”
Scott wrinkled up his nose at her.
“I don’t normally go for like sissy looking guys y’know, but he like did something to me, I dunno. I’d destroy him oh my god, I’d give him the fuck of his life. Where do you think he lives? Next time he’s here I should follow him home…”
“Yeah I think that’s called stalking,” I said. Scott muffled a laugh.
“Good point, don’t want to share a cell with your Dad do I?” Kelly replied.
“You don’t have to worry about that, I’m not sure if you know this but they actually have separate prisons for men and women? Unless you have a very well-kept secret of course.”
“They’re not gonna arrest me for following a guy home, that’s insane Devin, God,” Kelly snapped at once. “Like maybe if I was a creep like you, yeah but I’m a girl so…”
“Hurray for double standards,” I said.
“Fuck off,” she said. “You’re just mad that I have the balls to ask someone out or at least take them into my car and fuck their brains out. You see a pretty girl you just hide in here like you always do. I mean when’s the last time you actually went on a date?”
“Oh yes, yes we’re all just burning with jealousy over you, Kelly,” I said trying to hide the fact that her remark had actually stung a bit.
“Ignore the question then,” Kelly said, looking rather pleased with herself. She didn’t often win our verbal spats. She quickly hurried from the room before I could possibly get another word in.
“Poor form, Devin,” said Scott. “I hope you’re not losing your touch, I’ll quit if you and Kelly stop having your fights. It’s like Tyrion versus Cersei.”
“C’mon you flatter me too much, I’m no way near as cool as Tyrion,” I said.
“But Kelly’s as bad as Cersei then?” said Scott. I just shrugged and Scott laughed.
Later on I didn’t really feel like having lunch in the staff breakroom so I went outside to eat. It was good to get a bit of exercise and fresh air as I hiked up the hill towards the park. Like I said, in the past ten years the area had begun to recover slightly. Around the river and waterfall was still pretty disgusting but the bushlands that led that way had cleared, grass and flowers slowly beginning to bloom again. The tourists were still afraid to return so it was always quiet. I found it a nice place to sit by myself.
As I sat down on the bench and opened my container of left-over ozzo bucco, I felt a tingle on the back of my neck. I could hear a soft voice gently singing out a song. Turning around I saw sitting cross-legged in a flowerbed the man from yesterday. A stray cat that would always hiss and claw if you came near it, was curled up in his lap and he was scratching it behind the ears. I boggled at him and he looked up. When he caught eyes with me, I felt myself flush and my heart flutter. His shoulders went up under his ears, his body stiffened and a look of fear crossed his face. He was scared of me.
I watched as he carefully put the cat down, who meowed unhappily at him. He walked as fast as he could in the direction of the waterfall, disappearing around a corner.
People started to see him every day. He’d be staring up at the mural in the carpark behind the main street, or sitting on a bench with the stray cat in his lap, or in the park admiring the flowers. I didn’t approach him, but many others tried. He’d always get up and scarper off the second he saw someone coming near. Every time he’d run in the direction of the waterfall.
About a week after we’d first spotted Inky, I went to the mailbox in the morning to find I’d gotten a letter from my Dad. I put it in my jacket pocket and forgot about it for the rest of the day.
I went to the bar that night. The bookstore staff often caught up for drinks Fridays and Saturdays. Ray and Kelly were making a ruckus in the front room. Ray was even more annoying than usual as Kelly giggled at his every word, perched on his knee.
“Why don’t we have the fuckin’ footy playin’ c’mon this is bullshit…!” he was yelling at the bartender.
“Go to the pub if you’re so mad, man…?” the bartender tried to say.
“No, no, don’t goddamn brush me off why can’t you have it here huh? This whole place with ya fruity fuckin’ drinks and entrees, fuckin’ hire me, I’ll put in a stripper pole, topless waitresses, run this place properly.”
He groped at Kelly’s tits.
“I already got my first employee right here!”
“Oh my god, I’m not being a stripper what the fuck!” Kelly laughed as she spilled her cocktail down her front. The bartender rolled his eyes, turning away from them to serve me. The one thing me and Kelly had in common that got me a lot of mockery was our taste in booze. I ordered a cosmopolitan as Ray sneered at me.
“Take me out back and shoot me if I ever drink one of them willingly,” he said as he took a swig of his pint of beer.
“Wow willingly that’s a big word for you isn’t it, three entire syllables!” I replied, taking my drink. Ray’s eyes flashed dangerously and he tried to rise out of his seat, obviously forgetting he still had Kelly in his lap. She shrieked, throwing her arms around his neck, spilling the rest of her drink down his back. Ray swore at the top of his lungs.
"That's it, you're out of here, the pair of youse…!” the bartender snapped as I slunk towards the smoking area. It was an ugly cement area next to the bins. I wasn’t a smoker but I preferred sitting back here. It was where I found the best conversation. There was a few people gathered around and I had a quick glance to see if there were any mates about. I spotted Morgan and Cress sitting on milk crates, having a smoke. I went to them, pulling over a keg to sit on.
“Drinking your fruit juice again?” Morgan said as I sat down.
“Oi this has a mad high alcohol content compared to your watered down wheat runoff,” I said.
“Is that a scientific term, mad high?” said Morgan.
“You know it,” I said. “Your alcohol content is classified as piss poor.”
Morgan laughed. I turned to Cress who was staring up at the night sky.
“You got Aunt Noelle all in a tizzy over her Esky store,” I said and Cress blinked slowly and then laughed.
“Sorry, I had a cheeky joint before I got here I don’t know up from down,” she said, shaking her head. “I been thinking about Inky.”
“Haven’t we all,” I said as Morgan shifted uncomfortably on the spot.
“God that was bizarre,” Morgan said. “I’ve been a dead set lesbo my whole life and Inky walks in and makes me question everything. How does someone fuck with everyone’s sexuality all at once? You notice Ray trying to act as hetero as possible out front? Poor fucker’s rattled as all hell just like all of us.”
Cress waved her hand around dismissively at this.
“Naw I wasn’t no rattlesnake,” said Cress. “See, when he walked past my storefront I got the nerves at first but then I saw everyone else got hit, realized it was just a love spell and it didn’t mean nothing y’know.”
“Scott reckons he’s an incubus,” I said and Cress snorted, rolling her eyes.
“Bullshit,” she said. “Scott don’t know nothing.”
I raised an eyebrow at her.
“Listen,” said Cress clicking her fingers. “I run the spiritual shop, I know my shit. Incubus? Nah man, nah way. He can’t be an incubus, he’s not done any seducin’, he goes and scrams the minute any of us see 'im. And the dreams don’t fit the description either. If a cubi can’t seduce you in the real world, they go into your dreams, screw you silly and leave you exhausted and drained of all your energy, they steal your bread batter and put buns in ovens. I asked around, no-one’s had any dreams where he took their bread batter or took ‘em to pound town. No takin’ bread batter, no puttin’ buns in oven, no seducin’. He ain’t no incubus. Unless he stole your batter, Devin?”
I muffled laughter as she took a puff from her cigarette to recover from her rant.
“Nah he didn’t steal my bread batter, Cress,” I said as Morgan bit back a smirk.
“Anyway,” said Morgan. “I thought the whole incubus and succubus myth was just people not understanding sleep paralysis.”
“Boo,” said Cress at once, elbowing her.
“Yeah fuck your rational scientific explanation,” I piped in.
Morgan put her hands up in defeat.
“Deepest apologies,” she said. “I’m gonna get another drink, youse want anything?”
I shook my head no as Cress got up as well.
The couple walked out of the smoking area leaving me alone. It was chilly out and I tucked my hands into my jacket pocket. There was a rustle and I realized I’d forgotten to read Dad’s letter. I took out the wrinkled papers. I blinked. There were about half a dozen grey-lead pencil drawings inside, along with a scrawled letter.
I went through the pictures, feeling cold fingers of unease tickling up my spine. The first drawing was of an alleyway and bins. There was a figure crouched down with a few cats around them, tickling one under the chin. He had familiar dark, soft looking hair and sweet innocent eyes. It was Inky.
The next picture was of Inky curled up naked in the grass. His face was contorted and black liquid was dribbling from his eyes, nose and mouth. The third picture was of the figure now dressed in a baggy plaid shirt and jeans, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his face away. The fourth was nearly the same except Inky was looking up, staring from the paper with tear-filled eyes. The fifth picture was the back of a car with four figures tied up together with burlap sacks over their heads squashed up beside each other.
The final picture was of a forest scene. There was a stake in the ground and a fat, middle-aged man was skewered on it, the stake impaling him through his anus, the pointed end sticking out of his mouth. Above him in the trees was another man, younger with a shaggy beard and hair. His abdomen was torn open and he was hanging from the branches by his intestines. A third man was lying in the soil, his hands chained to a tree trunk, his body smeared with a sticky looking substance. I couldn’t make out his features as his flesh were crawling with ants and flies that were eating him alive. I could see in the far distance, the familiar figure of Inky, looking over the scene with his mouth hanging open, his miserable face dripping with black liquid.
At the bottom of each drawing was my Dad’s scrawled signature.
“What’s that you’re reading?” said Morgan as she walked back outside. “Cress’s abandoned me to dance, you’re left with my wonderful company now.”
I didn’t answer and her cheerful look changed to confusion.
“You alright mate?” she said as she sat down beside her. I gave her the pictures with shaking hands. She looked over them one by one, the colour slowly draining from her face, her eyes boggling wider and wider until they looked the size of ping-pong balls.
“You’re dad drew these?” she whispered. I nodded, my whole body feeling numb. Her eyes flicked over to the letter I was still holding.
“What’s it say?” she said and I looked down at the messy scrawl. I offered it to her so we could both read. She frowned, shaking her head.
“Sorry,” she said. “I can’t make head or tails of that.”
I’d forgotten that most people couldn’t read my dad’s chicken scratch writing and bad spelling. I started to read it for her, my voice trembling.
“Dear Devin,” I said. “They’re letting me send you these cause it ain’t new information, I already told the cops all about this when I was arrested. They didn’t believe half of it but I swear it’s fucking true. I know about that man you were talking about. I never thought I’d hear about him again. I could barely believe it when you told me. Let me tell you everything.”
“In the 60s I worked as a handyman at a hotel in town. It was a fancy art hotel, had all these paintings on the wall. I was there to fix elevators and phones and TVs and all that shit.”
“Look I’ve been in jail for bloody decades surrounded by men twenty-four seven and I ain’t never been tempted to do anything with any of them. Never had a problem with blokes who swing that way either, it just ain’t for me. I always thought I was straight as an arrow but there was one exception what made me question meself. The fella what visited the hotel every time we changed the art on the walls who’d come down and admire it for hours, who I saw feeding the strays out in the alleyway. I was bloody besotted. Frightened me it did, didn’t know what the hell was happening to me.”
“Everyone in the hotel loved him too. He never booked a room for himself and didn’t speak a word so we didn’t know his name. Everyone called him Baby. I tended to just avoid Baby if he came into the hotel, didn’t want to confront these bloody feelings y’know it wasn’t like today, you could get arrested, put in the loony bin, your reputation ruined for liking blokes.”
"Now I knew one of the concierges was dodgy, we all did. He could get a guest anything they wanted for a bit of extra cash. I didn’t stick my nose in, cause I didn’t think it was too serious. He’d just get the drugs and hookers to the guests and all that. I started hearing rumours he was getting worse. Starting to send drugged up women to rooms, children for creeps. But he kept his tracks squeaky clean and there wasn’t any evidence he’d done a thing wrong. He looked like such a little harmless punk I didn’t believe he’d get into that really evil business. I just thought naw it’s gossip is all.”
“One day I was fixing the fridge in a room belonging to these three business men when I heard whispering. I didn’t know what it meant and was too focused to really pay it much attention. All I heard was “help us get him to our room and you can join in.”’
“I wished I’d paid proper attention, enough to fuckin’ stop them. But I didn’t. All hell broke loose that night. The concierge came back from his dinner break as cool as a cucumber and then five minutes later the hotel collapsed.”
“The marble staircase cracked right down the middle. All the paintings fell off the walls, all the windows and chandeliers shattered and the ceiling caved in. I was running for the front entrance when I saw this huge river of black oil flooding down the broken staircase. It was making this awful sound, like a widow at a funeral. I’d never heard something so heartbroken in my life. It crashed out onto the street and swept off and away. We were lucky to be in an off-season so no-one died, but quite a few were injured.”
“I followed the black stain all the way through town and up into the woods. That’s where I found Baby, curled up and naked. He was absolutely traumatized, wouldn’t speak a word to me, oozing black oil from his mouth. I stayed with him. Wouldn’t go near enough to touch him cause I’d figured out what the men had done and knew he wouldn’t want another bloke to lay a finger on him. But I gave him a new set of clothes, gave him food and drink, kept guard as he slept and said comforting things when he woke up from nightmares. I took care of him.”
“He didn’t get better. The nightmares got worse, he couldn’t keep food down. He was wasting away and the woods were just rotting to bits around him. The trees trunks were full of maggots and the ground was this stinking mud and all the fish in the river floated up dead to the surface. I felt furious at these fucking mongrels who done it to him. So then well, you know what I did to them don’t ya?”
“I was fucking nuts, I thought, look what I did for you, this will make you feel better. The look on Baby’s face. He was crying, turning away to vomit up the black oil. I tried to go to him and he cowered like a kicked dog. Terrified, he was terrified of me. Baby ran into the woods and I never saw him again. But I heard him crying that widow’s wail, echoing all through the forest. I wanted to die. I wanted to throw myself into the river and drown. I’d buried the concierge alive but he managed to dig himself out and run to the cops. I didn’t resist. I let them arrest me, convict me and put me away.”
“Funnily enough the concierge is in here with me now. Years after I was convicted, the law caught up with him. In here for a fuckload of fucked up shit. They keep us separated though, obviously scared I’m gonna try to kill him again. Little weaselly scumbag.”
“But I loved my Baby with all my heart and soul. I still do. I pray he’ll forgive me. But I know he never will. I can’t forgive myself either. The only good thing that’s come out of all of this is having you, Devin. If not for you I think I would have hung meself years ago. ”
“So that’s it I guess. I couldn’t tell you this all in a visit or a phone call, you understand. Had to write it down. Love ya kiddo. From your psycho bastard Dad.”
I put the letter down and Morgan and I just stared at each other. The other people in the smoking area seemed far away, the world just focused in on just me, Morgan and the letter in my hands.
“But he’s back,” I said in a croaky voice. “Dad said it was the 60s? Baby, Inky whatever it is, still looks like he’s in his mid to late twenties? How’s that possible?”
“Obviously he’s not human,” Morgan muttered back, looking completely dazed. “I don’t know what the hell he is.”
We became aware of a lot of excited whispering among the smoker’s area. People were getting up to run off into the front room. Morgan and I exchanged looks and got up to follow the crowd. Groups of people were gathered around the windows and front door, peering out into the street.
“What’s happening?” I asked Cress, who was spinning a pen on the countertop.
“Inky sighting,” she replied with a shrug. I saw across the road, the slender shape wandering down the pavement, looking around himself with his usual slightly sleepy expression. A big sigh went through the people in the building, people smiling sappily, their clasped hands beneath the chins.
“Such an angel…” someone said.
We all watched as he turned the corner. He was heading for the mural in the carpark again. When he was out of eyesight, the admiring onlookers dispersed, going back to the bar or trickling into the smoker’s area again. Morgan and I hovered by the door. In the distance, I could hear a faint yelling.
“I saw him, I saw that little fairy, he was just here a second ago!” Ray’s voice rang out down the road. “I just wanna talk to him, I just wanna fuckin’ talk!”
Kelly, laughing with a bottle in one hand and her shoes in the other was staggering a few paces behind him.
“You’re crazy!” she kept saying, zigzagging down the pavement. “You’re crazy Ray!”
They went around the corner in the direction of the carpark.
“Cress we gotta go,” Morgan said at once.
“Why what’s going on?” Cress replied, looking up from her pen spinning.
“You explain,” I said to Morgan, shoving the letter and drawings into her hand. “I’ll go.”
I raced down into the cold, dark street, my breath heavy, my heart in my chest. I remembered the pictures of Inky curled up naked, crying with oil spilling down his face. The back seat full of the tied up, hooded men. I imagined the scream as the downfall of black oil exploded over the white marble of the hotel staircase.
The mural was lit by a golden streetlight, taking up an entire wall, depicting the waterfall back before it had been polluted. It had bright, glittering blue water, surrounded by a rainbow of flowers and wild deer pranced through the emerald green of the riverbank.
Inky had his fingertips just grazing the painting as he slowly looked it over. His face was slightly furrowed as he stroked the painted brick.
“Fuckin’ poof!” yelled Ray, staggering across the carpark. “I bet ya wanna fuckin’ suck me off don’t ya you little fuckin’…”
Then he fell over sideways into the bushes, crumpling to the ground. He struggled to get to his feet, swearing and thrashing about like an upended turtle. Then he just gave up, curling up in the fetal position in the bushes, sticking his thumb in his mouth. In five seconds he was fast asleep and snoring.
Kelly had completely forgotten about Ray as she swayed over towards Inky.
“I’m just gonna smack his arse is all,” Kelly slurred into her drink. “I wanna grab it so bad. Maybe grab his dick too. Look he’s a skinny little thing, not like he’s gonna push me off, is he? And look he’s a man, all men want it. I’m gonna make Inky’s goddamn night.”
I barged towards her, getting in her way and she instantly pushed my chest trying to get around me.
“For fuck’s sake,” I said. “Kelly have you lost your mind? Jesus.”
I grabbed her by the shoulder and for a second a dark urge stirred in my chest. I wanted to grab her by the hair and smash her stupid face into the brick wall. Smash it until the brains leaked out. Grab the bottle and break it over her head.
“Get off me, just chill, just fuckin’ chill,” she said, fighting against my grip. “You’re insane! Let me go!”
I could do it. I could pull out a chunk of her hair, gouge my fingers into her eyes until they bled, stab my keys into her ear and rupture the eardrum. I could feel my breath heavy in my chest and Kelly looked into my eyes. She stopped struggling and just went still. The bottle smashed to the ground beneath us. I saw the terror in her face, heard the tiny whimper in her throat.
There was a sound behind me. It was a low, long and agonized moan of utter misery and fear.
My hand dangled down by my side.
“Just go home alright,” I managed to say. “Just sleep it off.”
Kelly nodded, tears streaming down her face. Over at the bushes, Morgan and Cress were helping Ray to his feet as he muttered about how he wanted to be the meat in their lesbian sandwich.
“Alrighty girlie,” Cress called to Kelly. “You come with us now, we walk ya drunk mess home.”
Sending a fearful look over her shoulder at me, Kelly nearly ran towards them. Morgan sent me a stiff nod as the four of them started heading down the street together, leaving me behind. Feeling like I was underwater in an ice cold pool, I slowly turned around.
The creature was standing stock still in the middle of the carpark. His hands were shaking and his eyes were filled with black liquid. I could see an oily black trail seeping from the corner of his mouth down his chin. But he wasn’t wailing anymore.
I felt the shame twist my insides. I’d helped to terrify him into that state. My skin felt cold and I was trembling all over. Would I have really done it? If I hadn’t had heard the crying, what would I have done to Kelly?
I brushed my own tears from my eyes and turned to puke up into the nearest bush. The acid burned my throat, my body cramped and my stomach heaved as I retched endlessly. It seemed like hours had passed when I’d manage to throw everything up. I wiped my mouth on the back on my hand and staggered to my feet again. Turning around to look behind me, I saw the creature had gone.
Kelly called in sick for the next few days. No-one saw Inky either. He’d gone back into hiding it seemed. Finally around Thursday, while I was eating breakfast in the break-room, Kelly slunk through the door. I watched her out of the corner of my eye as she silently put her bag away.
“Hey,” Kelly murmured. “Thanks for the other night. I nearly did something really stupid.”
“Yeah you did,” I responded at once. I knew she was trying to extend an olive branch to me but being sarcastic to her was just second nature. Kelly cast her eyes down and didn’t answer. Then she silently nodded in agreement and hurried out of the break-room again. I went back to my bowl of muesli.
“Look Devin,” Scott said when he came in, showing me his phone. “Apparently the waterfall is cleaner then it’s been since the oil spill. Everyone’s in goddamn shock, it’s mending so fast out of absolutely nowhere.”
He smiled, shaking his head.
“And all the wild deer have come back too.”
submitted by madoto-78 to Odd_directions [link] [comments]


2020.03.10 11:45 Fwoggie2 Covid-19 update Tuesday March 10th

Good morning from the UK.

Virus statistics

Region Today Yesterday % Change
Global 113,672 101,923 +11.5%
China 80,924 80,565 +0.4%
Italy 9,172 7,375 +24.4%
South Korea 7,513 7,382 +1.8%
Iran 7,161 6,566 +9.1%
France 1,412 1,116 +26.5%
Germany 1,139 902 +26.3%
USA 755 547 +38.0%
Spain 1,024 589 +73.9%
Japan 514 488 +5.3%
Switzerland 332 332 No change
UK 323 277 +16.6%
Netherlands 321 265 +21.1%

Countries with under 250 identified infections not listed. Total countries infected worldwide = 110, an increase from yesterday of 6. Source: The WHO dashboard (Link), except for USA where I'm using the John Hopkins University dashboard (Link). Given Italy had 647 cases only 11 days ago and now has over 1,000% that number (archive.is source), it's reasonable to expect quarantines to one degree or another to come into place in a week or two for any country currently over 250.
Reminder, these are identified case counts and medical experts are reporting this virus has a long incubation period with people being infections despite displaying no symptoms; the true infection figures are likely to be much higher.

Virus reaction

Italy quarantines itself - As many will already know, the Italian Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte ordered the shutdown of the whole of Italy (Guardian: Link) late yesterday (Monday). “There is no more time. I will take responsibility for these measures. Our future is in our hands,” he told reporters. In Italy under the decree, all public events will be banned, cinemas, theatres, gyms, discos and pubs closed, and funerals, weddings and sporting events cancelled – including Serie A matches (the highest football/soccer league in the country). All schools and universities will remain closed until 3 April. Under the new decree, people will only be able to travel between cities for emergency reasons and can face fines and up to three months in jail for breaking quarantine rules. Checkpoints on motorways, toll booths, train stations and airports are expected to be introduced on Tuesday. Those who have to leave their region or their cities out of serious necessity can do so only if they have self-certification stating that they must cross the borders for compelling business reasons, health reasons, or because they have to return home. The Guardian points out in its live blog (Link) that the quarantine measures do appear to be working; infection rates are dropping in the eleven towns that were already quarantined more than two weeks ago. (Personal note: I checked FedEx, DHL and UPS service alerts for Italy; FedEx and DHL still aren't delivering to the 11 quarantined towns but say nothing for the rest of Italy, UPS says it's operating in Italy as normal).

Social media thoughts on Italy's battle with the virus - two threads have gone viral in the past 24 hours (neither can be corroborated but they seem reasonably believable to me). The first from an epidemiologist repeats the thoughts of a doctor working in a badly affected Italian hospital - the ER is becoming overwhelmed, everyone is being admitted for the same reason, all beds are full and staff are badly fatigued. You can read it here, she provided a follow up link at the bottom. The other is reporting on what his friend in Italy's medical system says and it's much the same thing - there is not enough equipment to meet the surge in demand, staff are becoming overwhelmed and those over 65 are not even being assessed and nobody is available to help them if they arrest (that link is here) - I assume they mean they are being forced to let the patient die because they are overwhelmed with other patients who are better placed to survive.

Is this a pandemic or not - Vox has written an interesting article on why the WHO still hasn't called it a Pandemic despite senior politicians in several countries doing just that. The reason - it's political (link).

Family of Missouri's first coronavirus patient broke self-quarantine, attended school dance - Fox News reports that the father of the first patient disobeyed self-quarantine rules and went to a school dance with his other daughter. Villa Duchesne and Oak Hill School will close on Monday; Villa is an all-girls school that serves grades seven through 12, while Oak Hill is a coed school that teaches preschool through grade six.

UAE bans all cruise ship visits until further notice - Splash247 reports that the Federal Transport Authority of the United Arab Emirates has decided to suspend all cruise operations at the country’s ports as part of precautionary measures to prevent the spreading of coronavirus. Ferry services to Iran were already suspended last month.

Other virus reactions in brief - Sources Guardian live blog (linked above) and Al-Jazeera live blog (link)
- The president of the European parliament announced he will self isolate for the next two weeks and work from home after visiting Italy over last weekend
- Poland has cancelled all mass public gatherings
- Pope Francis has urged priests to have the courage to go out and visit the sick and elderly
- Greek MPs are warning the health system on the island of Lesbos (which is host to 27,000 migrants and refugees is becoming overwhelmed and needs urgent help)
- Moldova is banning entrants via air from any country recording infections. Separately, Morocco has cancelled all flights to Italy as has the major European airline Norwegian airlines. Australian airline Qantas has grounded eight of its 10 A380 planes and is rerouting flights as it grapples with a sharp drop in demand; it's suspending 25% of its flights worldwide.
- The French culture minister has contracted the virus and is self isolating
- The UK's deputy chief medial officer has being doing the media tour this morning; she told Sky News that many thousands will become infected in the UK with mortality rates initially rising before falling again
- The Grand Princess cruise ship has finally docked in San Francisco with 21 cases onboard. Canada and the UK have said they will fly their citizens home; US citizens will be taken to military bases for 2 weeks quarantine.
- For the 3rd day in a row no local transmissions of the virus have been recorded in China outside of Hubei province
- China's President Xi has visited Wuhan for the first time since the outbreak started in a move widely seen as authorities feeling that the tide is turning in the fight against the virus.
- In Singapore non residents will now have to pay for healthcare if they are admitted to hospital with the Coronavirus (previously it was free). The government added that testing of foreign visitors will remain free.
- The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, Wellcome and Mastercard pledged $125m to support the development of treatments for the coronavirus.
- Mongolia has quarantined all of its major cities after it discovered its first case.
- US forces in South Korea and Japan have been confined to their bases (source: NPR.org, link)

Economics

What are people panic buying - Strategyonline.ca reports has the answer (link), at least for Canadian consumers. Apart from the obvious sanitisers and masks, other products include cough and herbal remedies, baby products, dried food and deodorant with demand for oat milk nearly having tripled.

Virus Makes Lobsters So Cheap That Sellers Face a Fatal Blow - Supplychainbrain reports (link) that U.S. lobster prices have plummeted to the lowest in at least four years after the spread of the virus halted charter flights to Asia at a time when sales usually boom for Chinese New Year celebrations. The fallout has left thousands of pounds of unsold lobster flooding North American markets and squeezing U.S. businesses that were already hurting from lost sales due to China’s tariffs from its trade war with Washington. “This is like a fatal blow,” said Stephanie Nadeau, owner of Arundel, Maine-based The Lobster Co., which saw orders to Hong Kong shrivel from about 1,000 boxes a week to a total of 120 boxes -- each carrying 33 pounds -- since late January. “I’m about to lay off most of my employees.” The article goes on to discuss similar impacts hitting Canada, Australia and New Zealand lobster fisheries.

Supply chain

COVID-19 swallows $400 million revenue of African airlines - logupdateafrica.com says (link) the major African airlines have to date suffered $400m USD of revenue losses due to a collapse in demand. Several African airlines such as South African Airways, Royal Air Maroc, Air Tanzania, Air Mauritius, EgyptAir, RwandAir and Kenya Airways have suspended flights to and from China. Meanwhile, Ethiopian Airlines is still operating flights to and from five cities in China. Losses are expected to rise further.

Carriers eye empty passenger services to keep intra-Asia air cargo moving - The Loadstar says that Cathay Pacific (the major HK based airline) is thinking of using some passenger aircraft for cargo only flights to keep cargo moving around Asia. “Although we expect our passenger belly cargo operations to be impacted, we are evaluating how to continue serving our cargo customers to and from Japan,” Cathay said. “This includes the retention of certain passenger services for cargo carriage only.” The article goes on to quote a CEO of a large logistics firm: “We suggest customers consider ocean freight, rail freight, sea-air freight and even road freight, such as China-ASEAN cross-border trucks to diversify the risk. It is anticipated that surging demand of rail freight will also drive rate increases. In the meantime, more and more charter flight services will be launched in the market to soften demand”.

U.S. Exempts Face Masks, Medical Products From China Tariffs - Supplychainbrain.com reports that the US administration has lifted tariffs on face masks and medical products. One manufacturer is quoted as saying that the global production of the product is significantly limited to China, and changing to U.S. or third-country manufacturers “is not practical or competitive." "Additional duties on such products would cause major financial harm and increase costs to healthcare providers and their customers in the United States,” the company added.

iPhone 11 shortages in the US - the German tech website heise.de is reporting (link, in German) that in parts of the USA stocks of iPhone 11 models have run out and there is no sign of a resupply. It notes that the manufacturer FoxConn is struggling with its factories at an estimated 50% operational capacity. For the time being, availability in Germany remains good.

Israel: Courtesy of the Coronavirus, That Order From Amazon Could Take a Month to Reach Your Front Door - the major newspaper Haaretz has warned that if flights inbound from the US stop, it may take up to a month for Amazon orders to arrive - already AliExpress orders have plummeted in Israel as suppliers have struggled to ship out of Israel. Some e-commerce firms are countering by using connecting flights if direct ones have been cancelled. “In the worst case, and we’re closed to the U.S., they’ll be a real pogrom for the delivery sector. It means that deliveries won’t go out at all and there will be real shortages of merchandise,” one courier manager said. “The logistics universe comprises of lots of intermediate stops, The expectation now is that every link will be affected. If people are in lockdown, it means warehouse workers, delivery people and customs inspectors – everyone who comes into contact with the package, and that’s scores of hands until it reaches the customer.” He said he expected that to happen in weeks, maybe days, as the coronavirus, spreads to countries that are relevant to the supply chain that serve Israel such as Britain, Germany and the U.S.

Major UK supermarket chains now rationing sales for some products due to heavy demand - the BBC reports that Tesco and some other supermarket chains are now rationing sales of certain products both online and in store including antibacterial gels, wipes and sprays, dry pasta, UHT milk and some tinned vegetables. According to a survey from Retail Economics, as many as one in 10 UK consumers is stockpiling, based on a sample of 2,000 shoppers.

Good news section

Major UK automotive company Jaguar Land Rover says its supply chain is holding up - having hit the headlines a few weeks ago for flying in suitcases of key fobs, logisticsmanager.com reports that the automotive firm is saying its supply chain is holding up with most of its suppliers back online. JLR said it has visibility of availability of most parts out two weeks or more and had managed to avoid potential parts shortages by working closely with its suppliers and with some increased use of air freight. In the event of specific parts shortages, it warned, JLR would ordinarily be able to still build cars and retrofit missing parts when available, however, it said it could not rule out the risk that a shortage of a critical component could impact production at some point.
EDIT: Table formatting
EDIT 2: Lesbos isn't in Italy
submitted by Fwoggie2 to supplychain [link] [comments]


2020.03.10 02:15 hayate666 History of the changes in Sinfest part 5: Fuchsia and Criminy

Previous threads on the History of the changes in Sinfest:

Introduction
This has been a subject I've been wanting to write about for a while now. It's one of the most positive things from the history of Sinfest, but unfortunately you'll also see that it was touched by Tats's radical feminist hands.
What is notable though is that he seems to have avoided REALLY bringing in the feminism for this storyline. Tats seems to have attempted it at some point, but seemed to turn away from it every time.
I got motivated to finally write this by this question:
Asked by Tru_bearshark in this topic
Ok so what got me into Sinfest originally was finding an imgur post compiling the moments between Fuscia and Criminy. And I kept reading for a while in hope of seeing more of them, but then the switch happened and I lost interest in the comic as a whole. The last thing I recall with the two was Fuscia getting jealous that Crimniy was in the reality zone with another human girl, and Vainglorious kind of going after Fuscia.
I'm sure it could be made into it's own post, but I'll limit the scope. Did that even amount to anything, and have they even shown up in the series in any capacity? Cause I never really see them in any of the pettyfest things, or any of the write ups of the series.
So let's start. Who are Fuchsia and Criminy?

A nerd and his succubus or a succubus and her nerd!
Criminy is one of the oldest characters to appear in Sinfest. He showed up all the way back on January 23, 2000 as Slick's nerdy friend. At first he was characterized as someone who would fail the "being cool enough to be a man" test, but his character quickly evolved to a kind, innocent, socially awkward bookworm who was pretty oblivious to women and relationships in general.
This was perfectly emphasized in a series of comics from 2002 where he hit it off with a sexy lady called Amber without even trying and went on an awkward date where he missed all the obvious signals she was into him. Thinking of kissing was too dirty for him. Merely the thought of holding hands was too exciting for him. This is who Criminy is.
You'd think this final one off joke was the last we'd see of Amber. You'd be wrong, as you'll later see!
Fuchsia on the other hand was a very sexual character. She was originally one of Satan's closest henchmen and was constantly trying to lure other characters over to the dark side by wanton acts of sexual depravity, often together with her close friend / sex partner in crime Blue, like shown in this "day in the life" comic from 2008.
It's hard to pinpoint the very first comic where they showed up. The oldest one I could find was this one from September 10, 2007 , where Tats referred to Blue/Fuchsia only as "lesbo / devil dykes" in the archive search.
Then something beautiful happened. It became probably THE most fondly remembered storyline in Sinfest history and a very good illustration of why people enjoyed Sinfest when Tats let the quirks of his characters bounce of each other.
Tats decided to have the completely innocent, sexless Criminy interact with sex demons Fuchsia and Blue by having the succubi try to seduce Criminy. Criminy turned out to be completely immune to her sexual advances and responded to her like she was a normal person.
Fuchsia fell in love with Criminy. Hard. Very hard. This caused a big change in Fuchsia. She started wanting to become something else than a torturer and a seductress and started acting less evil, even actively rejecting attempts from Blue and Satan to make her more evil again.
This storyline went on for a couple of years. The love between them grew slowly with sweet comics. Satan in the end intervened and locked Fuchsia in Hell.
Correction by DDzwiedziu : She locked herself on a guilt trip: https://www.sinfest.net/view.php?date=2010-09-19. Thanks Seymour!
What did Criminy do? He dug straight into Hell with a shovel while thinking about her, not even with a plan for escape but just to be with her.
Things went on for a bit, with Fuchsia becoming increasingly unhappy with her role as an evil character and wanting to change. Blue would have nothing of that, but she loved Fuchsia so tried to be as accommodating as possible.
Tensions came to a head on October 2, 2011 where Fuchsia was confronted by Blue about her dalliances with Criminy. Blue wasn't going to tolerate Fuchsia's shit any more. She had to choose. Stay or leave.
Then Xanthe suddenly gets involved into this beautiful story by butting into a storyline she's not supposed to be in and should have no knowledge about. I choose to believe that in the end Xanthe has nothing to do with Fuchsia deciding to leave since she takes Criminy's book with her and her interaction with Fuchsia can be forgotten about without changing the story.
The story kind of went from there with Fuchsia trying to adjust to life after working in Hell for years and Criminy mostly just staying his good, innocent self. Blue tracked them down, but decided to leave them alone. This is where Tats's attempt to shove radical feminism into the story comes up.

Indictment in radfem court
You see, there was something strange happening when Tats got more and more into radical feminism. There were lots of... uncomfortable things creeping into the story over the years showing that he hated males. He made it look like males were unable to keep themselves from hurting women through porn, prostitution and "male" behaviour.
Note: This could be a topic by itself to write about, but I'll keep it short here!
One of those things was that Tats was decrying male characters by having their souls evaluated by Satan's second in command, the succubus named Blue, and showing what they had done to hurt women.
This started around the time Xanthe was first introduced and became a running thing for a while. I think Tats was trying to make the point that all men are guilty of harming women.
There is a problem though. We have Criminy, a male character who clearly couldn't have done anything to harm women. He was clearly the most asexual character of them all and had treated people with nothing but kindness. Tats dug really deep to come up with something though!

Amber enters the picture
Remember Amber? That one off joke character who was last seen in September 2002 and never seen or heard from again? This was suddenly Criminy's fault and a horrible crime against womankind. She became his indictment in radfem court. He even started having nightmares about her crawling up from Hell and hurting him.
Tats shied away from doing anything with this though. This was the last thing that was seen from Amber for about two years. Then on October 31, 2014 a horribly off-model Amber showed up from nowhere. Criminy instantly recognized her, despite not having an interaction with her for OVER TWELVE YEARS.
They went on a walk together and seemed to hit it off. Fuchsia missed Criminy and had a minor breakdown over it. Then she saw them walking together in a place where she couldn't follow, namely the Reality Zone. (there it is again!) The continuation of the story seemed obvious. Criminy and Fuchsia would split over some kind of insane jealousy from her end.
Tats never had Criminy stray though. It would have been completely out of character for him to do so, but I think he was also scared of driving off his remaining fans. He did set up the pieces together for a breakup by having Fuchsia interact with another new Mary Sue named Vainglorious who is a TOTALLY KEWL tortured artist who can ignore the effects of the Reality Zone on devils by using his magic to do so. In a place where magic shouldn't work. Figure that one out! He returned her missing sketchbook.
Fuchsia and Criminy reunited. They talked about Amber and (predictably) Fuchsia was jealous. Very jealous. And that was it really. The story died as abruptly as it begun and it was never brought up again, until FOUR YEARS and EIGHT MONTHS later.
Meanwhile Fuchsia and Vainglorious had some random conversations about art, like her visiting his gallery or some trolling and talked about using devil powers, but that never really went anywhere.
In 2019 Fuchsia and Amber interacted directly for the first time. Fuchsia was still jealous. Amber offered her a special on TV and that was it really.

Conclusion
So to answer the original question posted:
Did that (Fuchsia/Criminy/AmbeVainglorious) even amount to anything, and have they even shown up in the series in any capacity?
I think the answer is twofold. Tats established a very beloved storyline and a very beloved character pairing. He obviously tried to set up the pieces to mess with that dynamic and I think he chickened out of it out of fear of driving his remaining fans away.
As always, discuss below! What did you think of the Fuchsia/Criminy storyline? What are your favourite positive memories from Sinfest, both old and new? What topic would you like to see researched next?
submitted by hayate666 to sinfest [link] [comments]


2020.02.21 05:59 lizziewhorden A journey from self-hate to self-love, lesbian edition

I apologize for length. I’m verbose and prone to run-on sentences. It’s my style both in writing and in person.
This has been stewing in me for a while, and I really need to get it out there to people who may relate to it in some way. I’m lacking a community of people who actually understand where I’m coming from — people who inherently know that coming out in your 30s (or older) doesn’t mean you “used to like boys and just wanted something different.” If someone hasn’t experienced this insane suppression of internalized homophobia, their ability to connect on that specific level is difficult. So, here it goes. Again, this is long and I am so sorry for that. I have so much to say.
I’d like to start out by saying, I never could’ve imagined my life would turn out as it is at this moment. I’d love to hug my young-teen self and tell that fragile, beautiful girl that it’ll work out. I want to tell her that they only target you because they can. They’re weak, weaker than even you believe you are. You’re a fighter. A gosh darn diamond in the rough.
During my most important adolescent milestones, I was bullied. Hard. I fell into a huge depression, though I didn’t identify it as such.I was only 13 when it began. My brother had a terminal illness, and my emotional needs were ignored in lieu of his very visible problems. I was told by my mother, often, that my problems were “nothing compared to his. And look how positive he stays! What is wrong with you? You can control this, you just choose not to!” Etc. I took every feeling of worthlessness to heart, wearing it like a suit of armor.
One term that was thrown at me often from my 10th grade bully like vile was “lesbian.” I didn’t like boys, had no crushes, hadn’t had a boyfriend, whatever. I even started convincing myself certain boys were cute, that I had crushes on them, but I know different now.
At this time in my young-teen life, this term of “lesbian” (or “lesbo,” as this one bitch likes to say) held so much shame and fear that I fought it tooth-and-nail. My interest in women (oh boy, was I interested) was nothing more than admiration, I told myself. Because the term “lesbian” held a negative connotation — internalized homophobia, it seems, set into motion by the cruel intentions my bully had when scratching “lesbo” into my math notebook.
My negativity surrounding homosexuality was only attached to me. I never thought twice about other same-sex couples. Or if I did, it was anything but negative.
I remember when I was about 10 and we had a picnic at our house. This was before the hardcore bullying began. Before I truly hated myself. Before I truly lost myself. A family friend — a girl about 19 — showed up with who my mom labeled “a friend.” I saw them holding hands, sharing kisses, intimate whispers. I thought, “wow, that’s really something I’d be allowed to do?” I was in awe. This was a pivotal moment, but got put on the back burner for about 20 years.
I wish I’d held on to that childhood hope and knowledge that I don’t have to live the life I thought others expected of me.
But, it’s a journey or whatev.
Instead, I took the easiest path. My brain had been beaten into submission by a combination of home life (mom mostly) and having my feelings beaten to the ground by complete bumble-fucks until high school graduation.
Then a culmination of suppressing my true desires and fear of literally everything lead me to a college life of alcoholism and promiscuity. I managed to make it to graduation with good grades, a completed novella, and a BA in English. But one thing I still didn’t have was any sense of self.
I see now that the reason I got legit white-girl wasted before a date or sex was because I wasn’t attracted to men. The reason every relationship with a guy resulted in a downward self-destructive spiral of alcohol and depression and self-harm was because I didn’t want any of it and I didn’t know how to process that. I couldn’t possibly think outside what I believed to be truth.
But goddamn, my exes and I always managed to blame it on my worthlessness and neediness. I wasn’t worth the hassle of dealing with me.
The neediness stemmed from the worthlessness, of course. It was my ego and feelings begging for validation. “Please love me so I know I’m worth something,” my insides cried. But that’s another story for another time.
This cycle continued for about 10 years. The alcoholism was a major source of my depression, but not the sole cause. I didn’t realize this at the time, which was a catalyst to continued relapses and self-destruction.
The main reason I returned to the bottle each time was because I’d be sober for a few months or a year, and nothing was better. I had a “solid” relationship, living with the guy, and thought it must be what I wanted. Had a good job at a school. Great tv to watch. I had everything I was supposed to want — everything I’d convinced myself I wanted — but I still felt so completely empty and I couldn’t figure out why.
Right before my last heterosexual relationship ended (3 and a half years ago, in catastrophic self-destruction), I mentioned that I “may be bisexual.” Had a massive crush on actress Sarah Paulson, still do, and it was much more than admiration. Utilized this as a way to say, “maybe I’m bisexual. Like, 15% into girls.” It was a start, but I still hadn’t quite gotten it.
And then the self-destruction happened again. I wasn’t happy and I was still so empty and the only thing that gave me relief was alcohol. Lost my job. Caught a few DUIs. Not consecutively — years apart — but was on probation still when I got my second. I am so incredibly ashamed of these actions. The thought still hits me deep in my gut.
I spent about 10 months in prison for my actions.
And then I did the one thing you shouldn’t ever do in prison — I fell in love. This girl warmed my heart and sang to my soul, both figuratively and literally (she had a beautiful voice). I tried to write it off as needing companionship in a dark time. We were locked up most of the day, every day. She was in a cell a few doors down. It started with notes. Then jokes and anecdotes. And then it went deeper. It was a love I’d never felt before and it gave me something to look forward to. She claimed to reciprocate and I think she truly believed it at the time.
But then I got out and received a letter from her. She couldn’t imagine actually being with a girl and wasn’t interested in me that way.
It shattered me, but when the pieces came back together they were stronger than ever. Must’ve used super glue.
It awakened something in me. It awakened a lot in me. I’d spent so much time chasing a life that I had no interest in: husband, kids, 9-5 job, maybe a knitting club or gluten-free book club? But no. I unconsciously wanted and needed something so different, but I was too afraid to even imagine I was worth more than what others expected of me. I was too afraid to try things, enjoy life, really desire things in life. (Because they’re always fleeting, I believed.)
There’s obviously nothing wrong with the life I was trying to “live,” of course, except that every fiber of my being screamed that it was wrong for me.
Well, I’m truly awake now. I mean, I’m still scared shitless. Terrified. But with that comes this drumming excitement and desire. I realize that I have a shot at happiness, or contentment, or something more than the numbness of merely existing.
Slowly, I started telling people I was bisexual. Every time I said it, I felt a bit more confident. I haven’t told family any of this for reasons. However, my friends have been overwhelming supportive and loving.
But something still felt wrong.
With this new awakening, I talked with my therapist, wrote, truly explored and got to know myself. Then, it hit me. Pretty hard. I realized something huge (that I’m sure you all saw coming): I am not attracted to men! At all. Never was. Like, that was a true M Night Shyamalan twist for me. I’d deceived everyone, especially myself.
I recently (a year and a half ago) allowed my brain to open up to the fact that I am so very incredibly overwhelmingly attracted to women. Like, it still shocks me that I managed to suppress this for so long. I’d kept such a beautiful and hopeful and precious part of myself locked up instead of letting it thrive and be.
This leads me to now. I’ve come out as a lesbian to a select few. It’s still new and honestly, I’d rather do it a more subtle way. I’ll bring my future partner home and introduce her as my girlfriend. (Holy heck the idea of a girlfriend is exhilarating and I feel like everyone told my I should’ve felt in 9th grade when that “cute boy” liked me and I felt nothing.)
It is still a bit jarring that I was unaware of such an innate quality about myself. It scares me how easily and unconsciously my environment shaped my thoughts and beliefs into something so incredibly wrong. This has resulted in my current creative writing endeavor. It’s horror combined with lesbian excitement. I’m so excited about it.
I’m turning 35 in June. I reached my 2 year sobriety mark in January, I’m safe at home, going to therapy, seeing friends, excited about writing, excited about living, excited for my future, excited for the endless possibilities!
If you’ve made it through that, I thank you. Finding this subreddit has made me even more excited and hopeful. I’ve been lurking for over a year, admiring all of your strength, beauty, tenacity, and love. Thank you all for existing. You can’t imagine the impact y’all have had on me.
Coming out to myself is the literal best thing I have ever done for me. It was the biggest act of love and self-care, and I’m so very here for it.
submitted by lizziewhorden to latebloomerlesbians [link] [comments]


2020.02.13 02:04 joeydeath538 My Favorite RWBY Ships

Nothing major here. I just figured this would be a fun experiment since I'm honestly not sure of a good story to write for the holiday.
I guess there's no point delaying it any longer. Let's get 'er done!
Arkos (Jaune/Pyrrha)
Starting off pretty basic here, but I think it's safe to say that Arkos was many a RWBY fan's first Ship, and for pretty good reasons. Namely the fact that it had the most development early on. But tragically cut short by the end of Volume 3 with Pyrrha's death.
And yet, that didn't stop Arkos fans, due to how much the FNDM loves Pyrrha. She was one of the strongest fighters in the series, and we hardly knew her. And yet we still treasure her for what she brought to the table. Which brings up an old phrase by Dr. Seuss: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
Which is why the ship from what I've seen is still going pretty strong even with her no longer being with us, since she was so central to Jaune's character development. In which he started out timid, clumsy, and kind of a mediocre fighter to become one of the most popular characters in RWBY. I suppose that's also why I have yet to actually write anything Arkos-related, since it's more that I admire it rather than feel I gotta make something out of it due to how treasured it is.
Don't get me wrong, it's nice to see stories where Pyrrha is still alive and in the relationship with Jaune we all wanted. And yet, I feel that since I haven't read enough fan content of the ship that whatever I could put into a Word doc might not do it justice. Would I like to write a story of Jaune/Pyrrha some day? Sure.
It's just that I feel too ingrained with the ships I've written so far to feel like I could write something worthy of this particular ship just yet. But I'll give it a shot eventually.
Black Sun (Sun/Blake)
I've always liked Sun ever since I first started watching this show, but I'll admit it: I never looked much into Black Sun until Volume 4.
Sure. Blake's treatment of him in V4 was...Questionable. And it sparked plenty of debate onto how the show has portrayed abusive relationships, but let's not poke that Beowolf since it's become a pretty touchy subject.
Anyway! Onto talking about Black Sun.
I suppose we can start this part with how loyal Sun has been to Blake, even when she was at her lowest point, at her most aggressive. As much as she was gonna push everyone away in an attempt to wage a one-woman war against the White Fang, Sun was there to pull her out of the act and remember her friends. Her family.
And even when in love with her, Sun never pursued her for the sake of a fling. But to make sure she was okay. That she would be there for her just like how morning follows night, as the song goes. Now, sure, he shouldn't have been so covert and made it look like he was stalking her, but I still think there's a lot of potential for Black Sun in either fanon/canon.
These two have had some ups/downs. But even among all the faults in how it was written in the show, I still find a lot of great mileage out of Black Sun. There's more depth than some people would give it credit for, I'd say. Underneath all the angst I still enjoy it due to how much of a positive goof Sun is. And how he helped Blake come out of her shell and recognize her flaws making her stronger as a result.
I'm okay if it doesn't become canon, though, since I feel like Blake isn't the type to pursue a relationship given her history of having many suitors and her previous abusive relationship with Adam.
Even if Black Sun was made canon, I still feel that there'd be some serious emotional baggage getting in the way of it. But I know that my man, Sun would understand and wouldn't fault Blake for it in the slightest given her reasoning.
Still a favorite of mine. And I'm not gonna lie when I say that some Black Sun fanworks have made me a little emotional, but inspired me to carry on with my writing when I'm at my lowest. Which is why Sun is one of my favorite RWBY characters, due to just how much he brightens things up for some folks. Be they his fans, or co-stars in the character roster.
Speaking of favorites...
Iceberg (Weiss/Neptune)
Lemme just start out by saying for the context of the last line that Weiss is my top favorite character in this show. But Neptune...Well...Let's just say that I wasn't his biggest fan at first.
I mean, sure, I was in the vocal majority for a while that Neptune really was a sleaze who tried to hit on anything with a skirt. And yes. I even took the Team NDGO scene a little too seriously. I honestly thought: "What idiot would like Neptune after how he treated Weiss this way?"
But upon further review, and speaking to some acquaintances in the FNDM who actually stan Neptune and don't see him as the asshole that so many fans have made him out to be, I began to see him for who he really is: A minor character who has received too much flak for one scene, and one alone. Crazy, right?
That's not the only thing that helped me cool my jets about the guy. But it was my own writing. My Bloodlines AU features next generation kids as the main protagonists, among them, my Iceberg offspring Dominick. Who I originally wrote as being the child of Weiss/Nep divorced, but still on good terms. But I've had friends disagree with this initial direction and state that it would've just been overkill, futher making Nep look like the bad guy.
In a way, with Dominick as a character of my own creation, I've managed to warm up -- pun intended -- to Iceberg over time. And recognize that Neptune is a nice enough guy underneath that wannabe ladykiller demanor. And that he never tried to make any girl he flirted with uncomfortable. That he had every reason to leave Weiss behind at the dance arc, but stuck with her.
Here's the thing, folks: If Neptune is such a minor character, then is all the hatred towards him really justified?
Sure. How he flirted with Team NDGO at Vytal was questionable since he and Weiss had an okay thing going for a while, but the two of them never took it further beyond that. They were still figuring stuff out among studying, training, preparing for the Vytal Festival that there really wasn't enough time for them to committ and make themselves a thing.
I'm not denying that everyone has their reasons for disliking a character. What's making me sound somewhat critical and straying off-topic here is the fact that Neptune is a minor character. An extra. But all that aside is how I feel these two would make a cute couple due to how much they could connect early on at Beacon. How he helped Weiss lighten up. How she could find someone to turn to and relate to just being a teenager in between defending mankind from Grimm.
Would I like to see Iceberg acknowledged again in canon? Hell yeah I would. But would I picture it as an endgame ship? Eh...Not quite.
Yes, it would be nice but is it really necessary? I know I'm beating a dead horse with saying this. But Neptune is such a minor character that does it really matter in the long run? I'm not saying I'd be crushed if Iceberg wasn't canon. But I still think it works better in fanworks if these two agree to just be friends.
Now that I'm done with that little mini-rant, onto the next pairing.
Crosshares (Coco/Velvet)
I'm hyperdrive, overdrive, hit the gas at fifty-five, Breakneck, trainwreck, in my presence genuflect, Track-roundin', speed-a-soundin', 'lectrifyin', pulse-poundin', Heart-pumpin', brain-thumpin', watch me get the party jumpin'.
Caffeine, I'm caffeine. Caffeine, I'm caffeine.
Sorry, had to share it. I just think Team CFVY is badass. Then again so do a lot of fans. Anyway!
I know it seems trite to ship Coco with Velvet ever since the After The Fall novel came out, and Coco was confirmed to be gay. I acknowledge that. If she's been shipped with some of the women (and some guys) with so long, it's definietly understandable that some feel that this last-minute confirmation with the book's release was a way to earn brownie points.
That being said, I still think there's a lot to gain from this ship. Namely with how much these two counter each other and their personalities.
I am a fan of "opposites attract" relationships because I feel that both partners can gain something from their contrasting tastes and all that. You might see this pop up often whenever I talk about shipping, but I feel that Coco's assertiveness is a great foil for Velvet's more reserved nature.
Even beyond all the teasing and lust aspects of Crosshares, I feel that these two would just have a very tight relationship due to how much they watch each other's backs, and how they always seem to teach one another for anything that comes up. And how much they enjoy each other's company which is just a few of the reasons I love this ship so much.
I just think it's cute. Not really much else to add here, I feel.
Oh. And I like how their shades of brown contrast with each other. Something I really enjoy in a ship when colors can blend in.
Next!
Nuts & Dolts (Ruby/Penny)
Ahh, Penny. Another moe character packing heat in this show. Nuts & Dolts is adorable, man. Even the folks I've spoken to about RWBY who don't ship it agree that this is a really cute ship.
I love Nuts & Dolts because there's so much common ground between these two. With both being sweet, innocent, goofy and caring young women with a sense of duty and courage, it just really always brightens me up due to how similar Ruby and Penny are.
Ruby definietly isn't one of my favorites in the show, but I do see why people like her so much. Even if she does come off as a slightly generic anime protagonist. And Penny, well, she's Penny. A character loved by so many. Then again, it's understandable if she's too similar to Ruby in that instance.
But I'm not upset about it. I just love Nuts & Dolts. Simple.
Dragonslayer (Yang/Jaune)
Blondes need to stick together!
Jokes aside, Dragonslayer is another top favorite of mine here.
Another "opposites-attract" ship that I adore. Which is honestly what I prefer to see in a relationship because the dynamic is more interesting to me, when compared to ships that have "common ground" stuff. Ergo, Nuts & Dolts as I shared above. This honestly makes the most sense to me here, because Yang and Jaune are clearly two different people, yet share so much in common.
Yang is cocky, flirty, and enjoys a good time in between her lust for adventure and battle. Jaune is timid, dense, and social awkward who knows how to lift people's spirits. And yet that just makes them perfect for each other with how loyal and brave they both are to their respective teams. Their friends, and their families.
The other obvious one is that they've both lost so much after Beacon fell. Jaune with Pyrrha, Yang with Blake at the time. Which is why they'd both be perfect shoulders to cry on for each other here. Jaune with helping Yang cope with her trauma, and Yang for his own issues with abandonment having lost Pyrrha to Cinder. In a "you-teach-me-and-I'll-teach-you" kind of way.
Even if it didn't evolve into full romance, I still believe that they'd show a great platonic love for one another. And honestly, who wouldn't among the cast? RWBYJNR is practically like family now. And I feel another great point of Yang and Jaune's relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, is their bond with Ruby. I'm not really a Lancaster (Ruby/Jaune) shipper because I feel it's a bit cliche to make two opposite gender leads fall for each other. But if that's your thing, cool. Enjoy it, guys!
What I mean by this is how much Jaune looked out for Ruby when Beacon fell and the team was seperated. Most notably with Yang in her depression, and how she could barely get out of bed after being amputated. How she was so apathetic to her sister's new goal to reach Haven that she couldn't even say she loved her back.
Meanwhile, you have Jaune who was with Ruby every step of the way. And held no ill will towards her for being too late to save Pyrrha. Always looking up to her, while they both had to inspire everyone around them. Now that's loyalty at it's finest. During Yang's funk, Ruby was without her big sister for a while. But she had a big brother figure in Jaune to turn to at the time. Which is honestly what I feel would help strengthen Jaune's friendship with either of the two sisters.
Dragonslayer is so much fun. I know it's not for everyone, then again most of the ships on my list are all my opinion. But I love it.
And before we get to my One True Pairing in RWBY, here are a few honorable mentions...
Ladybug (Ruby/Blake) - Reminds me of Black Sun where Blake meets a super-positive figure to always turn to in her life. Plus, I wanna see them interact more in the show.
Ironwitch (Glynda/Ironwood) - Regardless of how General Ironwood has been written this previous volume, I like the idea of how much Glynda could be there for him to bring him down to Earth...Er, Remnant. Plus I think the image of a military officer getting corrected/reasoned with by someone like Glynda is amusing.
Lava Lamp (Yang/Ilia) - Shared experiences with abandonment and loss, both close friends of Blake, and could amend fences with her over a relationship being there for her often.
Cool Jazz (Flynt/Weiss) - Both of them having backgrounds in Dust trade. Much as I like Iceberg, this honestly makes sense to me as well due to how similar they are, and how much their respect for each other can develop. Plus, I think it'd be awesome to see Jacques pop a blood vessel at seeing his daughter date a commoner.
Sailor's Fable (Sage/Scarlet) - Okay, they're minor characters. But I think they're cute in a romantic sense, without actually compromising the brotherhood aspect of Team SSSN.
Gemstone (Ruby/Emerald) - I'm not a big foe yay shipper, but much of the content of these two has featured Emerald in, you know, an actually healthy relationship unlike her being Cinder's puppet. Plus, minor thing, I like seeing Emerald happy in fanworks.
Topaz (Jaune/Emerald) - Same reason as Gemstone. Lot of cute and soft Topaz content out there, and I think that Jaune could really bring a reason to live and be happy without Cinder controlling her. I also relate to Emerald in terms of having abusive mentors. Which is why I'm fine with either Jaune or Ruby bringing her out of her shell. Both work for me, honestly.
Mint Chocolate (Neopolitan/Emerald) - Something I view as more of an office romance kinda deal, but I do think Neo and Emerald can respect each other in a business sense. They may get on each other's nerves but at the end of the day they got a job to do together. Honestly, I can ship this one in a romantic or sexual light. This one is pretty flexible for me.
Silent Knight (Jaune/Neopolitan) - "Good-girl-meets-bad-boy" is a perfectly fine trope and I have no problem with it. But seeing a gender role reversal for it is more appealing to me, because I feel that if she wasn't a villian, Neo could really bring out Jaune's wild side. And help him not be so afraid of being so noble all the time. Another minor thing, but I really like height differences in romance. I just think it can make for some really cute scenes. And Neo is a favorite of mine.
Lesbos (Saphron/Terra) - Dude. Jaune's sister and her wife were adorable in Volume 6! It was a strong portrayal of a happy marriage, highlighted just how much Saphron cared for Jaune and supported him and his friends, and it was a nice change of pace from some of V6's more intense moments for some domestic fluff in a break between the action. Also, baby Adrian makes me laugh.
And my One True Pairing for RWBY is...
...
...
...
...
...
Enabler (Ruby/Yang)
Just kidding! I can't stand incestuous ships.
Alright, alright, my real OTP is Renora.
Renora (Ren/Nora)
What can I say? Not only is it a ship that a majority of the FNDM agrees on, but it's one that, to me and some others, has felt the most natural.
Sure. Childhood friend romances have been done to death, but the way Renora has been setup just feels very appropriate to me. Boy sees girl. Girl is street urchin. Hometown is fucking obliterated. Boy and girl survive. Boy and girl grow up together as the best of friends. It's not the most original childhood friends to lovers story, sure, but it can be a refreshing take due to the way RWBY's world has been set up.
If you grew up in a world with monsters that feed off of negativity, I'd imagine that you'd want to have close friends like these two with how much they've been through up to this very point. Because they're always there for one another, even amidst their group's darkest hours. Which is why everyone can agree how pure Renora is.
Not to mention that it's another "opposites attract" ship that I love to death. Because I feel that Nora's goofy and bombastic nature is a contrast to Ren's quiet and more conservative personality, which can be a good setup for anything. With any tone, really. It can be light, it can be dark. Renora is just so flexible, man. Which is why I feel it's a perfect ship for so many.
Looking back on all the reasons I love Renora so much, I suppose it makes more sense that I made one of my rwbabies from this ship, Elsa, the central protagonist of my Bloodlines AU. Elsa has really helped me get a better connection with Renora, not that my connection with the ship hasn't been strong before. And I think the way I wrote her along with her brother, Cha Hua, has helped me reflect on how Ren and Nora are as a married couple. Which I wouldn't mind at the end of the series.
There's just so much to gain from writing Renora. And although I write is as a side-ship in many of my fanfics, boy would I love to write a solo story with them, maybe with their rwbabies I created some day. It's no big deal, though, because I'm glad to have this as my OTP. Renora for life!
There you have it. My favorite RWBY ships and why I like 'em. I hope you enjoyed reading this list much as I enjoyed writing it.
Oh, and as a little bonus, here's my first Valentine's special relating to RWBY. A fanfic I wrote featuring the group hanging out for dinner in Argus on the very holiday I wrote both of these for: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18061961
Happy Love-Will-Repel-All-Grimm week, folks.
submitted by joeydeath538 to RWBY [link] [comments]


2020.01.30 04:06 sd832 a long ass rant of the struggle lol

background: so i had always felt like a guy from the age of 3 and always dressed like a guy, and came out as trans in like 4th grade, i dont even know how i knew what that shit was, but i figured it out after just thinking i was a tomboy or whatever. my parents were super supportive and like already knew some shit was up whatever blah blah blah, i got help and saw a therapist, god bless linda, and then got on hormone blockers by the age of like 11 or 12. then by the time i was like 14 i think, i started testosterone. in 9th grade i got top surgery. ive been stealth for like 4ish years now.
the dilema: in 6th grade i was just brutally bullied every day and was constantly called a lesbo n just shit like that, there were very rough times, but i got a girlfriend i met from like hot or not, whatever it was called, just 2014 things lol. anyway she was the only one of my partners that actually knew what transgender was and like the only person to actually like.. ya know. do stuff to me. but after we broke up, she ended up saying i never counted as her boyfriend because i was a girl, and basically got a bunch of people to harass me and bully me for being trans and it was just a whole mess. since that point on, i stopped telling my partners, which i know is wrong and fucked up and thats kind of why im posting this. but anyway, i went through a few other relationships without telling them for a while and then telling them a half truth that ya know like i am actually trans but ive had bottom surgery, its just complicated and now when i look back on it, its just so frustrating. but now im dating this girl right now, who knows and understands what being transgender is and its nice and im able to talk to her about certain things, but again ive told her i had bottom surgery, but in reality i just have a really good prothstetic. it makes me feel horrible to lie to her about that and im in too deep to turn back and it just kills me. like i know that theres certain people that ive been with that if they ever knew the truth, they never would have been with me and it sucks, but i 100% get it and its okay and fair. i just kind of feel stuck where im at right know. straight girls like guys, and lesbians like girls. i dont know, i think ive just been stealth for so long that like its hard for me to even recognize that i am trans, like even just admitting that makes me want to cringe. i had just been bullied for so long, and dont honestly feel like i can identify with the lgbt+isjhoasuhe communtiy. i just think i would feel so vulnerable if i were to come forth with a partner about who i really am. its kind of too late to with the girl im already with and thats okay im just worried about future relationships.
im scared that if i cant even except it for myself, how can i tell a partner? and be completely honest. how can i just come clean about my past? im scared to tell a partner in fear that they might spread shit about me. and like the past year ive really been trying to accept myself more and face the fact that it is apart of me regardless if i actually identify with the community or not and to just not give a shit if it gets brought up because it shouldnt matter. i dont know. i could keep going on. i havent struggled with this in a very long time but im just freaking out becuase of college n shit. like ill never be able to just have a simple hook up with anyone, and obviously thats not alllll i want but it would just be nice to not have to sit down with someone and be like "so basically im a man wit a coochie"
if yall have gotten to this point, god please give me some advice. im sorry if anything above was insensitive or whatever to anyone.
submitted by sd832 to asktransgender [link] [comments]


2020.01.06 16:48 MarkdownShadowBot Removed comments/submissions for /u/garamsamose

Hi garamsamose, you're not shadowbanned, but 30 of your most recent 166 comments/submissions were removed (either automatically or by human moderators).

Comments:

fclbstg in iamatotalpieceofshit on 30 Dec 19 (1pts):
Muslims. Goddamn!!
fclaz09 in vegan on 30 Dec 19 (1pts):
Two minutes into his video and one would quickly realize that this person is completely bereft of any moral superiority or narcissism. I'm also not against vegan culture nor do I hate LGBTQ but when...
fb7joit in toptalent on 17 Dec 19 (1pts):
you must be a nigger
fb4h32d in Eyebleach on 16 Dec 19 (1pts):
I'm assuming you're the one who has downvoted the comment so I guess you know your answer and can shove the subtle sarcasm far up ... you know where
f9n7f5j in worldnews on 04 Dec 19 (1pts):
nah, it just Islam. wherever Islam is in control you'll see these things happening.
f92zqjx in Eyebleach on 29 Nov 19 (-20pts):
shhhh........
f92zc79 in Eyebleach on 29 Nov 19 (-10pts):
विनाश काले विपरीत बुद्धि
f8huje6 in PeopleBeingJerks on 24 Nov 19 (5pts):
This is her I guess https://www.facebook.com/socorro.jones.9
f8hsvz7 in PeopleBeingJerks on 24 Nov 19 (1pts):
That "can I talk to the manager" hairstyle speaks more about here character than that shamless hi-five.
I think this is her...
f800d2v in natureismetal on 18 Nov 19 (1pts):
Of course. Look at all that trash in the background. It’s probably a somewhat populated area. India, and I mean no offense, is a really dirty country.
It ain't offensive or racist if it's true....
f5oqh1u in insanepeoplefacebook on 29 Oct 19 (1pts):
You're a lesbo and I guess OP is talking about normal women. So I don't see how your opinion is valid here ?

Submissions:

ejxm1k in bakchodi on 04 Jan 20 (1pts):
Drop a missed to 8866288662 to extend support to CAA immediately. Cross post it to the other sister sub because I'm banned there for using the term Nigger.
e0jjb7 in ImGoingToHellForThis on 23 Nov 19 (1pts):
Got banned from dankmemes for posting this.
dg33z8 in bakchodi on 10 Oct 19 (17pts):
What they say: Inshallah.
dfdg42 in VideoEditing on 09 Oct 19 (1pts):
[Help] specifications required to run Adobe premiere software for video editing.
dbe52y in unpopularopinion on 30 Sep 19 (1pts):
Most UNPOPULAR opinions posted here, at least the ones which make it to top, are actually POPULAR just NOT on reddit
d882no in unpopularopinion on 23 Sep 19 (1pts):
Most Unpopular opinions posted here, at least the ones which make it to top, are actually popular just NOT on reddit
cuwkc2 in books on 24 Aug 19 (1pts):
Has anyone here read the great replacement ? How'd feel about the other perspective or if can relate to it ?
crpocl in unpopularopinion on 17 Aug 19 (1pts):
Most Unpopular opinions posted here, at least the once which make it to top, are actually popular just NOT on reddit
crpfix in unpopularopinion on 17 Aug 19 (1pts):
Most Unpopular opinions posted here, at least the once which make it to top, are actually popular just NOT on reddit.
cjw8bk in AskReddit on 30 Jul 19 (1pts):
What makes black people more susceptible to violence and anarchist behavior?
ca9v84 in IncelTears on 07 Jul 19 (1pts):
"Incels blame women, their genes, attractive men, and society at large for their inability to get dates or sex"
c2y0m5 in tipofmytongue on 20 Jun 19 (1pts):
[TOMT] Powerpuff girl's movie/commercial where the girls can be seen in some action (playing tag or something) and the song on background plays to the tune of Rihanna's shut up and drive.
c2r978 in AskReddit on 20 Jun 19 (1pts):
What do you think is worse, N-word or the cracker ?
c26d3g in ShittyLifeProTips on 18 Jun 19 (2pts):
SLT always be an asshole towards your family so that they won't feels sad when you die.
c1bx2p in IndiaSpeaks on 16 Jun 19 (0pts):
132/5. Now I get it why they call India rape capital.
c18020 in ShittyLifeProTips on 16 Jun 19 (1pts):
Always be an asshole towards so that they won't feel sad when you die.
bwfiz2 in Showerthoughts on 03 Jun 19 (2pts):
Fart is basically a sublime state of feces.
bq5sgx in india on 18 May 19 (1pts):
We have people in India who bears the same name as that genocidal maniac Joseph Stalin and champions his murderous ideology of communism yet they call Godse, the assassin, a terrorist.
bpi5el in india on 16 May 19 (0pts):
Just gonna leave this right here.
I'm a bot. My home is at /CommentRemovalChecker - check if your posts have been removed! (How to use)
Help us expose and stand up to social media bias and censorship!
submitted by MarkdownShadowBot to CommentRemovalChecker [link] [comments]


2020.01.04 21:35 MarkdownShadowBot Removed comments/submissions for /u/garamsamose

Hi garamsamose, you're not shadowbanned, but 32 of your most recent 165 comments/submissions were removed (either automatically or by human moderators).

Comments:

fclbstg in iamatotalpieceofshit on 30 Dec 19 (1pts):
Muslims. Goddamn!!
fclaz09 in vegan on 30 Dec 19 (1pts):
Two minutes into his video and one would quickly realize that this person is completely bereft of any moral superiority or narcissism. I'm also not against vegan culture nor do I hate LGBTQ but when...
fb7joit in toptalent on 17 Dec 19 (1pts):
you must be a nigger
fb4h32d in Eyebleach on 16 Dec 19 (1pts):
I'm assuming you're the one who has downvoted the comment so I guess you know your answer and can shove the subtle sarcasm far up ... you know where
f9n7f5j in worldnews on 04 Dec 19 (1pts):
nah, it just Islam. wherever Islam is in control you'll see these things happening.
f92zqjx in Eyebleach on 29 Nov 19 (-19pts):
shhhh........
f92zc79 in Eyebleach on 29 Nov 19 (-11pts):
विनाश काले विपरीत बुद्धि
f8huje6 in PeopleBeingJerks on 24 Nov 19 (5pts):
This is her I guess https://www.facebook.com/socorro.jones.9
f8hsvz7 in PeopleBeingJerks on 24 Nov 19 (1pts):
That "can I talk to the manager" hairstyle speaks more about here character than that shamless hi-five.
I think this is her...
f800d2v in natureismetal on 18 Nov 19 (1pts):
Of course. Look at all that trash in the background. It’s probably a somewhat populated area. India, and I mean no offense, is a really dirty country.
It ain't offensive or racist if it's true....
f5oqh1u in insanepeoplefacebook on 29 Oct 19 (1pts):
You're a lesbo and I guess OP is talking about normal women. So I don't see how your opinion is valid here ?
f3jibil in worldnews on 13 Oct 19 (-3pts):
preventing the terrorism, institutional rape and murder that was ISIS is Islam.
ISIS does not make up its own rules they simply follow what has been sanctioned in that 1400 year old book....
f3j88xc in aww on 13 Oct 19 (39pts):
kaun madarchod sickular issey downvote kar rha hai ? haste Khetle bachhe pasand nahi ?

Submissions:

ejxm1k in bakchodi on 04 Jan 20 (1pts):
Drop a missed to 8866288662 to extend support to CAA immediately. Cross post it to the other sister sub because I'm banned there for using the term Nigger.
e0jjb7 in ImGoingToHellForThis on 23 Nov 19 (1pts):
Got banned from dankmemes for posting this.
dg33z8 in bakchodi on 10 Oct 19 (17pts):
What they say: Inshallah.
dfdg42 in VideoEditing on 09 Oct 19 (1pts):
[Help] specifications required to run Adobe premiere software for video editing.
dbe52y in unpopularopinion on 30 Sep 19 (1pts):
Most UNPOPULAR opinions posted here, at least the ones which make it to top, are actually POPULAR just NOT on reddit
d882no in unpopularopinion on 23 Sep 19 (1pts):
Most Unpopular opinions posted here, at least the ones which make it to top, are actually popular just NOT on reddit
cuwkc2 in books on 24 Aug 19 (1pts):
Has anyone here read the great replacement ? How'd feel about the other perspective or if can relate to it ?
crpocl in unpopularopinion on 17 Aug 19 (1pts):
Most Unpopular opinions posted here, at least the once which make it to top, are actually popular just NOT on reddit
crpfix in unpopularopinion on 17 Aug 19 (1pts):
Most Unpopular opinions posted here, at least the once which make it to top, are actually popular just NOT on reddit.
cjw8bk in AskReddit on 30 Jul 19 (1pts):
What makes black people more susceptible to violence and anarchist behavior?
ca9v84 in IncelTears on 07 Jul 19 (1pts):
"Incels blame women, their genes, attractive men, and society at large for their inability to get dates or sex"
c2y0m5 in tipofmytongue on 20 Jun 19 (1pts):
[TOMT] Powerpuff girl's movie/commercial where the girls can be seen in some action (playing tag or something) and the song on background plays to the tune of Rihanna's shut up and drive.
c2r978 in AskReddit on 20 Jun 19 (1pts):
What do you think is worse, N-word or the cracker ?
c26d3g in ShittyLifeProTips on 18 Jun 19 (2pts):
SLT always be an asshole towards your family so that they won't feels sad when you die.
c1bx2p in IndiaSpeaks on 16 Jun 19 (0pts):
132/5. Now I get it why they call India rape capital.
c18020 in ShittyLifeProTips on 16 Jun 19 (1pts):
Always be an asshole towards so that they won't feel sad when you die.
bwfiz2 in Showerthoughts on 03 Jun 19 (2pts):
Fart is basically a sublime state of feces.
bq5sgx in india on 18 May 19 (1pts):
We have people in India who bears the same name as that genocidal maniac Joseph Stalin and champions his murderous ideology of communism yet they call Godse, the assassin, a terrorist.
bpi5el in india on 16 May 19 (0pts):
Just gonna leave this right here.
I'm a bot. My home is at /CommentRemovalChecker - check if your posts have been removed! (How to use)
Help us expose and stand up to social media bias and censorship!
submitted by MarkdownShadowBot to CommentRemovalChecker [link] [comments]


2019.12.29 08:30 niceguyputin Uncle Vasya’s Guide to Threesomes

Uncle Vasya’s Guide to Threesomes
And now, the quest begins, to nab the Holy Grail of manhood
I'd love, to score hot twins, like any hokey porno fan would
Although, that would be swell, they just don't sell, that stuff on e-bay
And yet, still hope I'll get, to have a three-way
-“Threeway” parody of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way”
So you want a threesome.1 Well, you think you do – like the song says, they are basically the Holy Grail for heterosexual men from the time we become sexually aware – but the reality may be different than you think. Or not. Oh, and the worst part about threesomes is, after the sex is over, you now have TWO girls in the room asking "So....what are you thinking about?"
Intrepid readers, please continue.
1 For purposes of this discussion, I mean the “Love Sammich” (FFM) threesomes; a “Devil’s Threeway” (MMF) is otherwise called a “train” in my world. Because really, fuck that noise. There will be cries of “No fair!” That usually comes from girls who aren’t that down, or who want to extract something. I’ve never had a girl who legit wanted a 3way demand “reciprocity”. They will almost universally specify a female partner. Also biologically, FFM couplings make more sense – they give women access to higher status men and they give higher status men more opportunity to propagate their genetic legacy.
The Typical Situation
The typical situation that arises that arises for men is, they have a girlfriend, maybe the girlfriend has hinted that she might be willing to do a Love Sammich, maybe she hasn’t. How to find out? As I often recommend, get girls talking, and you will find out all sorts of useful information.
I get girls comfortable, and I ask them about what their deepest, most secret, greasiest little fantasy is. There is the usual flowery bullshit that they put up as a smoke screen about wanting to “make love” on a beach at sunset2 or on a bed covered with rose petals, and then there are two that recur:
A. “Tie me up!”
B. “I wanna have sex with another girl!”
So here’s the thing: if your girl, at bottom, isn’t bi-curious of doesn’t want to have a threeway, then that’s how it is. Don’t nag, cajole, pester or beg. Make a decision as to whether you’re going to end the relationship or not. OTOH, if you a spinning plates, then, well, you don’t have that problem, do you?
Whether you are looking for the second girl or starting from scratch (with a willing gf) the next question that arises is, where to find the 2nd girl? Recently I was asked in askTRP where to meet bi-girls. Well, first, there isn’t typically a “bi-girl hangout joint” that you can google. OTOH, you meet bi and bi-curious women everywhere. You just have to gather information, and make the sale.
The good news: unlike men, who are basically "AC" or "DC", many/most women are at least "bi-curious".
The bad news: bi-girls tend to be flaky as fuck. As in “have the stability of the high-numbered stuff on the Periodic Table.”
2 Nobody actually wants to do this. If they do, they don’t want to do it again. Two Words: “sand” and “crevices”. You can work out the rest.
The Hierarchy
I think it’s actually better to find two girls at the same time, or approximately the same time, before the relationship (if there is or will be one) with one girl is more formalized. Why? Because once a girl is invested in you, she has something to lose. The “girlfriend” is very often going to want to impose a bunch of stupid rules – do NOT let her do this because they are often designed to fuck you over, like not letting you screw the other girl. Don’t let her ruin your fun. One way to avoid this is to put Girl2 on her back have the girlfriend lower her pussy on to the other girls mouth facing away from you, who will be mounting Girl2. Or lay on the bed, have the girlfriend in reverse cowgirl and have Girl2 sit on your face. Or have the girlfriend sit on your face, and have Girl2 blow you.
The girlfriend is pulling this “hierarchy” shit because girls are very often insecure. That’s why she wants ….
A Girl who Looks Like Me
My girlfriend's girlfriend, she looks like you
My girlfriend's girlfriend, she's my girl too
-“My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend”, Type O Negative
If you are in an established relationship with a girl who is exploring her bi-ness for the first time, don’t be surprised when she says that she wants to lose her lesbo-virginity with a girl who “looks like me”. Girls who look like her will be less threatening. You’re not going to dump her for a girl who looks like her, because you already have a girl who looks like her. On the other hand, if she’s a brunette and you partner up with a hot blonde, you (‘her’ man) may suddenly discover that you like blondes better, and dump her by the side of the road. For men, the big fear, in terms of biology, is being cucked; for women it is loss of resources, which in the Bad Old Days of the Saber Tooth Tiger, could mean death for her and her offspring.
The Mechanics
So you get them to own up to their lezzy desires, and then you get two of them together. Also, don't do anything like go on a "date" or some other dumb shit to "set the mood". They will want to do that. Do not. Get them together, have anyone who needs a shot do one, and then get busy. You’re dealing with two Hamsters. Elongating the time frame gives one or the other hamster time to hamster way and blow up your perfectly good 3way.
Get down to business, before shit slips away from you.
You Have the Right to Remain Silent
“When a girl wants to fuck you, shut up and let it happen.” - Chris Rock
So I coached a buddy of mine through his first 3-way last fall. He had a FWB relationship with a girl who was sort of into the 3way idea, but was also pitching it as “Hey, Ima do this for you, and then we’re going to be exclusive, m’kay?” covert contract. He didn’t make any promises, but went ahead anyway.
Now, said FWB had a thing about the other girl – she was a plate, and she was doing other people also – staying over, i.e. she very much did NOT want that to happen. Hierarchy and all that. Logistics dictated otherwise. He asks me if he should tell the first girl that that 2nd girl is likely going to stay over. Me: “Only do that if you have decided that you definitely DO NOT WANT the 3way to happen.” So a good time was had by all, but guess who left in a huff after when it was discovered that Girl2 was sleeping over? Exactly. Tell her that before? No 3way. Why that mattered, I don’t know, but it did. Girls are retarded. He texted me after:
Him: “You were right about everything.”
Me: “That happens a lot. Like all the time. It can be a curse, really.”
Your Job is to Have a Cock
For a lot of bi-curious women, they want the comfort of a man's cock in the room so they didn't have to think, "But…but…but what if I'm a Giant Lesbo?!" Once things get rockin’, she may forget about that bit and be more into the other chick. Don’t worry about it. Encourage her, and then reap the rewards of being a chill guy later.
You Are the Director of Your Own ‘Porn Film’
In our meat triangle, all tangled. Wow.
-“My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend”, Type O Negative
So very often what happens with first timers is, the girlfriend turns out to be way into it and the guy starts feeling left out. So put yourself back in the game. Direct traffic, decide who is doing what to whom and when. And after they’ve had a shot at each other, get your double-team blowjob (see below). Never assume that the girls are going to know what you want. You’re the leader of the pack, so lead them.
Fun Stuff
So the point of having a 3way is to do stuff that you can’t do with just one woman.
You know what’s better than getting a blowjob from one woman? Getting a blowjob from two women.
Have one work your dick while the other one gargles your nutsack or rims you. Just trusting me on the rimming part.
You are The Sherriff
As I have alluded to before, I like tying girls up. Always have, always will. I have also known from my childhood that I am crazy strong and I can hurt people even when I don’t mean to. Lots of people turn into sadistic motherfuckers when they have control over another person – google the “Stanford Prison Experiment”. There is (supposedly) a lot of violence in lesbian relationships and you have to be careful to not let shit get out of hand if you are using BDSM in your threeway, which is a distinct possibility because some girls will want to be tied up so they can hamster away the part where they are lezzing out isn’t “their fault”.
If you are using BDSM, the same rules apply as always: you have to understand the sub’s limits and you can’t let the other girl beat the shit out of the sub, or at least exceed the sub’s limits. One way to handle this is to tell the girl who isn’t going to be tied up that you are going to tie her up later and give the sub a crack at her. That often keeps girls in the right frame of mind.
The “Household of Three”
Throw away your dad’s morality, your mom’s conventionality it’s not for me
If it were me and you and you and her and her and me, we’d be so happy together
-You & Me & Her, -Itis
That’s what ménage à trois actually means: Household of Three. While we typically think of them as one-offs, you may find that you like the lifestyle, which is fine as long as everyone is on board. Previously, I was in a couple of separate relationships that were "households of three" as it were. In the first case, an ex-gf circled back around because she really wanted to have sex with her roommate - I could hardly blame her; the girl was hot. The ex also knew that the roommate was not going to be DTF unless there was a cock in the room. To the ex, I was a "known quantity" (i.e., if she fucks me again, she's still at "N+0") and she knew I'd be able to close the deal, which I was. So she basically set me up with the roommate, knowing full well that (a) I would seduce her, and (b) I would happily share, and once the girl got comfortable, she'd open up a bit. Anyway, that lasted about a year and a half and was Big Fun all the way around.
In the other case, I was meeting a girl I was dating at a club and I ran into her "genetic twin" – they could have been sisters. So, knowing the girl I was dating would be DTF her, I established that Girl2 was down, and then the first girl showed up and soon enough we were in a relationship together. The two girls wound up becoming roommates later on, which made it convenient for me – I would refer to our sessions as “roommating”. While I don’t make a habit of it, I do throw in the occasional “dad” joke.
So you do have to be able to manage jealousy issues, both inside and outside of the relationship. Especially at the beginning they will be conscious of being treated "equally" or sometimes the girl who you knew first wants some advantage, but you have to squelch that nonsense early on.
Anyway, time moves on, and things change. The roommate from the first story got married and has a kid, now. She seems happy, so good for her. The ex from that tale sort of went off the deep end. She posed in Playboy (so I can cross that off my bucket list) and moved to Europe where she's presently being used as a cum dumpster by her "sponsor' and has a well-developed drug habit.
Of the two girls in the other threesome, one became a chef, and the other one (that was the one I mistook for the first one) is a teacher now. She is still useful as a 'corner square' in 'girl-girl-Vasya' tic-tac-toe. It’s useful to have a deep bench.
Of my two LTRs, the first is more “NO WAY!” than “3Way!” which is fine; that’s her nature and her choice. OLTR2 has recently expressed an interest and, luckily, I know some bi-girls who would LOVE a crack at her – all of which will be carefully stage-managed by me, if and when it happens – this stuff is tricky, after all.
Managing Relationships Between the Girls
She could help you cook & clean and she'd know just what you mean, (someone who listens)”
And as I snore away the night, she could always hold you tight, (it's what we're missin')
-You & Me & Her, -Itis
The Ex and Roommate negotiated a rather complex treaty about managing things when I wasn't around (they were both young (early 20s) and had things like "parents", so there was some discussion about whose 'boyfriend' I was going to be at whose house, etc., if and when it came up.) It was kind of funny, because I pointed out to my ex, that, when I wasn't around, she "was the boyfriend" - the other girl was a bit more of a girly-girl than she was.
The teacher and the chef were more independent – no pesky family nearby. The chef was more of the “boyfriend” in that situation, but it was less pronounced.
I also have a bit of an odd situation going on with a couple of plates – one is a dancer who is only down for threeways…BUT, she’s in love with one of my plates. The plate is in love with me. The dancer is terrified that I will “take [my plate] away” from her.” It creates an interesting power dynamic, but luckily for all concerned I’m a benevolent dictator. As time goes on, the dancer will either acclimate and accept things as they are, or she will not.
Relationships With The Outside World
Her and me and her and she and me
An uncrowded couple; are we three
Hey we don't care what people say
When walking hand in hand down Kings Highway
Two for one today
-“My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend”, Type O Negative
This can be complicated. You run into problems with judgy bluepills, especially “ladies of a certain age” spinsters who feel “entitled”, and Bitter, Butthurt BetasTM who are miffed at the perceived misallocation of pussy-related resources. I prefer to opt for an “unapologetic” stance. “Which one are you with?” – “Both of them” – “But there are two girls” – “Yes, I know. It’s nice.”
There will be the occasional double-takes, although I find that when I’m in Continental Europe it’s less of a big deal. Once I have arranged a hotel suite for me and one of the pairs at a place where I sometimes stay on business in Europe. So in making the reservation by phone - I had to in order to get a suite (required because 3 people) - the (American) CSR couldn't get past that I had 3 people, but wanted a king bed and kept turning down her suggestion of a cot for the room. So finally, I was like "Look. I have a 'Vicky-Cristina-Barcelona' thing going on. One king bed. No cot." When I showed up at the hotel, the Europeans understood right away. Very amusing.
Similarly, I was checking in to a hotel on the Côte d'Azur – the school teacher speaks fluent French – so I’m being checked-in – it was in a separate, seating area with the GM handling it – and the two girls excused themselves to the Ladies. The GM looked after them as they left, turned back to me, said, “I offer you my congratulations” and then went right back to business without missing a beat.
Final Points
-Bi-girls can be fun, but they are typically flaky.
-You will get push back from “normies”. Fuck that shit, live how you want.
-If you engage in longer-term relationships, be ready to manage both women, as well as handle any outside interference and bullshit.
-Threesome ‘relationships’ tend to be transient in nature – of course so do most of your friendships and romantic relationships – so relax and enjoy them in the moment.
submitted by niceguyputin to u/niceguyputin [link] [comments]


2019.12.01 08:20 FoolsGold45 Guide to the Monarch's Journey: Konstantinos II of Samos (DLC and No-DLC Friendly)

As always for these challenges, you should first focus on the challenge that is exclusive to the starting ruler's lifetime: the other two challenges can be completed for as long as your dynasty remains active (or until 1453), but once the original ruler kicks the bucket this one will be impossible to complete and will require restarting. Fortunately, Konstantinos has one of the easier challenges of this type:

Kon Once, Kon Twice...: Have 3/7/10 children alive simultaneously while playing as Konstantinos II. They must be of your dynasty.
To be "of your dynasty" just means that Konstantinos' children need to be publicly known as his, and need to have his dynastic crest on their character page. This means that any acknowledged bastards count toward this challenge as well, even if you don't legitimize them!

The Plan: Konstantinos is a young and virile man at 22 in this challenge's start date. He is also Lustful and a Fortune Builder, granting him a cumulative +30% fertility right off the bat. To make matters even better, he is Attractive and Groomed, which don't help his fertility any, but give him a +45 opinion bonus with every heterosexual woman. He has a lot of factors in his favor for bedding, impregnating, and maintaining a positive relationship with many ladies at once, and he's going to need it.
Before unpausing the game, go to the character finder and search for unlanded, unmarried adult women under the age of 45 who are willing to join your court. Lustful women, as well as those with a two-star or higher education trait for Diplomacy or Stewardship, are of particular value for their increased fertility and, in the case of Lustful, their increased receptiveness to seduction. But really, you can't go wrong inviting as many of them as possible if there's even a chance that you could get them pregnant. Seducing single ladies is a far superior tactic for this challenge than married ones, both for avoiding making enemies with jealous cuckolds and because it puts you in complete control of whether the child is considered legitimized, a bastard, or denounced.
With the Way of Life DLC, taking the Seduction focus gives even more bonuses to fertility and sex appeal, and allows you to "target seduce" one woman at a time to speed up the process of bedding her. If you're going for this, use the following guide for the "kitchen meeting" event:
Confess Love: Works best against women who are under 25, Kind, Honest, Zealous, Shy, and Trusting
Lewd Suggestion: Works best against women who are 25 or older, Hedonists, Lustful, Gregarious, and Deceitful.
Love Poetry: Usually only works on women who are Poets, Scholars, Mystics, or who have a high-tier Learning education and/or high Learning stat. If none of these apply, either of the above are a better option.
If you make it to Master Seducer and still need more kids, the "Sexy Whisper" option you unlock for this event works very well.
One thing to note: target Seducing is much more difficult to do if your character is off leading troops or performing a job as a councilor on his liege's court. Konstantinos always starts as a commander - consider resigning from the role by right-clicking the Emperor's portrait until you've satisfied your seduction. More likely than not, your liege will offer you a commander role later on, followed by a council position, which you can gladly take back up.
Without Way of Life, you'll simply have to wait for random events to tumble with your definitely-not-a-harem of young single ladies. It'll take a little longer, but it'll certainly be doable with how long Konstantinos is likely to live.
Every time one of your mistresses has a child, decide whether you want to acknowledge it (make it a bastard of your Dynasty) or legitimize it (making it a full-blooded child with the Legitimized Bastard trait). My recommendation is to acknowledge all children at birth: it makes your wife less upset (and less likely to murder them) and you can decide if you'd like to legitimize them if they grow up to be good. Having too many legitimate children is just asking for a succession crisis somewhere down the line.
Speaking of your wife, if you have some legitimate kids with her that's cool too, I guess.

Moving on to the other two challenges, which are limited only by your dynasty's continued existence:
Lovely Rule!: Achieve a game score of 5k/10k/15k points.
The Plan: This isn't really something you need to consciously strive for. If you didn't already know, your game score is updated every time the character you are playing dies: on the day of their death, all of their prestige and piety is added to your game score. Ergo, to get this achievement try to make sure each member of the Angelos dynasty dies with as much of both of those resources as possible. Having a large realm and simply living for a long time is really the best way of passively generating game score. I accomplished this within three characters' lifetimes without particularly paying attention to it.

Moving Up: Have members of your dynasty holding 2/3/4 kingdom titles simultaneously.
This is probably the "trickiest" challenge of this Monarch's Journey. Members of your dynasty (with your crest on their page) have to be holding 4 king-tier titles at the same time. One member holding multiple kingdoms DOES count: two double-kings, a king and a triple-king, or a single character holding four kingdoms all work for the gold challenge.
The Plan: The Byzantine Empire is actually an amazing place for this challenge, for two reasons: first, despite its massive size, there are no king-tier titles already created at the challenge's start date. Second, with the Charlemagne DLC, any kingdoms created by the Byzantine Emperor (who is usually the only person with control of enough land to do so) can be handed out as viceroyalties to vassals, meaning they'll return to the ownership of the Emperor after the viceroy dies. By far the easiest way to achieve this is to get your dynasty on the Byzantine throne, one way or another. Once you're there, you'll likely already have the opportunity to create at least some of the kingdoms of Thrace, Greece, Epirus, Bulgaria, Trebizond, Anatolia, or more depending on which have been created by the Byzantine Emperors and vassals already, how much land the Empire is holding when you ascend the throne, and how much gold and piety you have to spend on the creation of the titles themselves.

Getting on the Byzantine Throne is easier said than done, otherwise everybody would be doing it. There are two possible routes you can take here:
1) Marry into the Komnenos dynasty to give your children a claim, then create a strong enough Faction to push it.
The Byzantines are no stranger to succession crises, so use that to your advantage. Historically, Konstantinos II rose to prominence by marrying Emperor Alexios' daughter Theodora. At Day 1 of the challenge, Alexios doesn't like you enough to marry his daughters right away, so if you're planning to go this route, you'll need to get a good Chancellor to butter him up a little (or Sway him yourself if you have the Holy Fury DLC).
After you've secured your claim, you'll still need to be strong enough to push it: having a lot of personal strength and making friends with the other most powerful vassals in the realm is necessary, since demanding the Emperor step down for your dynasty is a tall order and not one that will be appreciated.
The Angelos dynasty has a pretty rough time of expansion at first: many of their neighboring lands are held by the Emperor himself, and in my experience he was very unwilling to hand any of these titles out even when he was above his demesne and duchy limits. Use one or more of these options to expand your realm:
EASY ALLIES: Konstantinos is unmarried, and has three brothers he can marry off for non-aggression pacts and, with good enough opinion, alliances. Keep an eye on your war targets to see if they've made pacts with your own allies before you declare, though. It's always best to set these up before unpausing so the bachelorettes don't get snapped up.
Roger of Sicily. A very strong child Duke with two sisters in their mid-late 20s he's willing to marry off.
Michael of Moesia. Has a 31-year old daughter and a 43-year old sister that are marriageable, and an alliance with him effectively doubles your military strength. His brother is Ioannes of Krete, meaning that this single marriage could get you two alliances.
Roger of Apulia. Discount Sicily, with multiple unwed sisters ranging from 50 to 38.
Theodoros of Kaliopolis. 24-year old single sister, 1.1k troops. Decide whether you want the help he'll provide, or would prefer to wait and conquer this weak count later.
FABRICATE CLAIMS: Obviously, recruit the highest-Diplo Chancellor you can from the Character Finder for this.
Thomas of Abydos. Directly north of Samos. The duke starts with slightly more levies than Konstantinos, but his lands are separated across the Aegean Sea and take time to join forces together when you declare war. This separation, plus a single decently-strong ally, make it easy to take one of his counties. I took the County of Abydos and when Strategos Thomas died a few years later, the Emperor gave the Theme of Abydos to me instead of Thomas' heir, giving me a de jure claim on Lesbos.
Nikephoros of Cibyrrhaeot. Holds lands to the east and islands to the south of Samos, separated from your original counties by the Emperor's holdings. Will put up less of a fight than Abydos.
Theodoros of Kaliopolis. A single-holding count north of Abydos who can barely defend himself. Low risk, low reward.
Once you've got a powerbase and a claim on your kids and have started your faction (remember you can't do this is you have a non-aggression pact with the Emperor, or if you're a member of an empowered and content Council with the Conclave DLC!), you can see other vassals who are interested in joining of their own volition. Generally, claimant factions see more success when the claimant is more likable than the current Emperor. Try to groom your children into having high diplomacy, virtuous traits that would make them a good liege, and if possible, traits that are the same as the most powerful vassals'.
With Conclave, if you happen to be rolling in cash, you can go the extra mile by buying favors from strong vassals (just make sure they aren't councillors or have a non-aggression pact with the Emperor first) and using it to strong-arm them into your faction.
Watch your faction's power carefully - due to how much titles shift in Byzantium, you want to make sure you fire your faction once you get over 100% strength, before somebody dies and you lose a large part of your power base. The Emperor MAY step down peacefully to avoid civil war, but never count on it. When the war itself happens, I don't recommend trying to capture Constantinople itself - the Theodosian walls make it a pain in the ass and give the Emperor far too much time to consolidate his forces.

2) Be Elected Emperor
This is the approach I took in my game. By becoming prestigious and popular enough and avoiding mutilation, you can swing the Imperial electors in your favor and get yourself or your heir elected Byzantine Emperor legitimately. Competing with the Emperor's relatives and children who are born in the purple can be tough, but being a respected member of the military, having high diplomacy, and sabotaging opinions of the other candidates by getting the Ecumenical Patriarch to excommunicate them can help. And if you can somehow get the Emperor himself to vote for you, you're golden. If all else fails and you have Conclave, check to see if electors with high voting power (the numbers next to their portraits in the "electors" section of the inheritance menu for the Empire) will be willing to buy a favor from you, which you can then call in as Succession Support to force them to vote for the same candidate as you for the next couple decades.
Holding the Byzantine Empire together is a whole other beast, but really once you have the Imperial Throne you should only have to retain it for long enough to create 4 kingdom titles. Hold them all yourself or hand them out to members of your dynasty for one challenge, then simply keep your game going long enough to achieve 15,000 score.

Hopefully this guide helped out some people. If you liked it let me know, I might make these for future MJ's (or even past ones, if people still need help with them).
EDIT: I just realized that you shouldn't be pushing duchy claims for people at the start. Since you're a Duke too, this will cause them to be independent rather than staying as your vassal. I've deleted that section now. Sorry about that!
EDIT 2: Added an addendum that the viceroyalty system is only active if you have the Charlemagne DLC.
submitted by FoolsGold45 to CrusaderKings [link] [comments]


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